I'm considering asking him to leave but I don't know how...help

Devoted02 · 05-01-2012, 03:53 PM

I snapped this weekend and told him I wanted him to leave (long long backstory - a small sample in my other posts)...in a nutshell he is verbally abusive, lazy, chauvinistic, lack of interest in anything other than video games, food, sex and sleep and in complete denial. We haven't spoken since Saturday and I want to ask him to go but I'm fearful of his reaction. He has never hit me or threatened to hurt me but he has a short fuse and after seeing him this weekend I can't imagine it will go well. I would prefer counseling but he doesn't like to be told what to do or what he is thinking. He thinks counselers are a joke. I have been walking on eggshells for most of our relationship, 14 years and 13 1/2 months on egg shells. I always chalked the beginning up to being naive and young, we were 19 and 23. Now in our 30's, I'm grown and I feel like he is still stuck in his teen years and wants no responsibility.

This is me · 05-01-2012, 04:03 PM

Have you told him that you are serious about marriage counseling because you are considering leaving? You are going to have to leave so be prepared, you can't force him to leave.

Be mature and suggest we pick a MC we can both agree upon or we do not stay with that MC. If he is against MC than ask him flat out, what else can we do to save the marriage.

Be prepared to leave.

Devoted02 · 05-01-2012, 04:09 PM

I have told him that I considered leaving before but never have given him an ultimatum. He has said in the past that no one will ever give him an ultimatum. I suggested us picking one and even agreed to a male counseler (I know a female wouldn't fly). We have and 8 and 5 year old so that is the reason why I would ask him to go. I'm the sole provider, caretaker etc. However, if he refuses, I am capable and willing to pack up our kids and move elsewhere.

SlowlyGettingWiser · 05-01-2012, 05:25 PM

Tell him flat out:

We either choose MC beginning this month, or I am through with this marriage and want a divorce. The choice is yours. You may even choose whichever MC you wish. However, if you are UNWILLING to do this...NOW, then we're done. I can't do it myself.

I am NOT willing to live like this anymore.

If he says 'MC,' tell him HE must set up the appointment for sometime within the next 2 weeks so that it is the MC of his choosing and that will show you that he is committed to the idea of MC.

If he says 'divorce,' ask him who is moving out of the house in June...him or you and the kids. You need to know so you can start splitting things up.

Then DO IT.

This is me · 05-01-2012, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Devoted02

I have told him that I considered leaving before but never have given him an ultimatum. He has said in the past that no one will ever give him an ultimatum. I suggested us picking one and even agreed to a male counseler (I know a female wouldn't fly). We have and 8 and 5 year old so that is the reason why I would ask him to go. I'm the sole provider, caretaker etc. However, if he refuses, I am capable and willing to pack up our kids and move elsewhere.

I agree. With the additional information it sounds like you should give himtwo choices. Caution: When he said no one will ever give him an ultimatum, what does this mean to you? Any concern for protection?

It sounds like he needs to be shocked into his marriage or moved on from.

I will pray for you and wish you well.

mompres · 05-01-2012, 07:00 PM

I've asked my husband to leave several times but he won't go period! So be prepared for that. He may say no to everything and then where will you be? Be prepared and have a plan for how you want to proceed with or without his cooperation. Good luck.

Devoted02 · 05-01-2012, 10:38 PM

Well it didn't go as I had hoped. He flat out refused counseling and opted

d for the separation

. I'm sad about his decision but I expected it. I asked who should leave and he said he would. I feel like I have failed miserably.
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MiriRose · 05-02-2012, 03:57 PM

Devoted02 - I'm so sorry things didn't go as you had hoped. It sounds like things are really tough for you right now -- I'm praying for you! You might want to check out Focus on the Family's website. I work for Focus, and they offer a lot of great info for marriages that are facing a crisis. They also offer free counseling over the phone. I hope things improve for you soon. God bless you!

soconfused1984 · 05-02-2012, 04:28 PM

been there!! if you read my post: waited too long, no longer in love...I was trying to find a way to tell my husband i no longer wanted to be with him, he also has a short fuse and although he is not agressive and has never hit me, i was scared! but i finally did it...so it is possible, if you still love him you need to give him an ultimatum!!! you cant be like that forever! good luck =)

SlowlyGettingWiser · 05-02-2012, 05:03 PM

Quote:

I'm sad about his decision but I expected it.

And you will be on an emotional roller-coaster for a while. Plenty of people here are.

Quote:

I feel like I have failed miserably.

But you HAVEN'T. YOU have made an adult decision to lead by example for your children and yourself.

Start by accepting responsibility for YOUR actions only. Your husband is responsible for his actions. You are making the necessary changes for your family to move forward in a loving, co-operative FAMILY environment.

If after living on his own for a while, your husband decides he would RATHER be in an adult marriage with you, he may make that decision. And you BOTH will have to have that discussion to see whether it is a viable option (including expectations, boundaries, etc.) If your husband decides he would rather remain on his own, then that is his choice. Perhaps he WOULD rather be a teen (in which case he needs a Mom), but you would rather be an adult (in which case you need a partner/spouse.)

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. If that is your attitude, you will be better prepared for the vagaries life throws your way.

CH · 05-02-2012, 05:56 PM

Pack his stuff and put it at the front door.

Leave a note.

Fix yourself and make something of yourself and we can talk. Until then, don't bother me, I have a life to live and our 2 children to take care of, I can't afford a 3rd child.

Or you pack your stuff and leave the note at your current place and move out.

timeforpain · 05-04-2012, 12:03 AM

I was quite nervous reading the OP: short fuse combined with telling H to leave!

I'm glad it worked out Devoted2. I mean "worked out" in the sense that H agreed to leave without becoming violent.

Don't lose faith: even though this guy sounds like the ultimate stubborn man, there is a chance he will become lonely over time and the separation will sink in. He may ask to come back. If this happens you MUST stay strong and require real and substantial change before letting him back into your life and your kids' lives.

Anyhow, much love and strength to you and your family through the interwebs... it's going to be really hard for a while, but it sounds like you did the good right thing.