Hello everyone, (long post - sorry...)
Dunno really where to begin, so I'll just start from the beginning.
My wife and I met on a blind date - I was 18 she was 16 - we were born 2 years, 360 days apart. Both of us are Scorpios. Due to the news we were expecting a child, we ended up getting married while she was still in high school - yes, very young. She finished school, though and gave birth to our first daughter in June of '89.
Twenty months later she had our second daughter - the same day I got out of USN boot camp. We were a Navy family for five years. I first noticed something odd in her behavior in April of '93. I was going in for surgery to have my spleen removed due to an illness I contracted. The morning she took me to the hospital, before she left, she handed me a note. Once I read it I was stunned - it was hate filled and completely hit me out of the blue. One of the nurses saw the expression on my face and asked if I was okay. I couldn't say anything - just handed her the note, and she was flabbergasted by it.
Once I got home from the hospital, she acted as if nothing ever happened, saying she was just scared and venting. Like every other couple, we had arguments about kids, money, life, etc...
One constant fight we almost always had was about cleaning up around the house. I would help if asked, but, it never really occurred to me to initiate cleaning up around the house. I've never demanded a clean house, a meal on the table, etc... from her. For most of our marriage, she was a stay at home mom - which was by her choice. I encouraged her to get a job at the BX on numerous occasions, just to get out of the house.
I ended up getting out of the Navy on disability in 1995, went back to my old job and we bought our first house. She got a job working nights at Wendy's. She would sometimes cook dinner before she left for work. After dinner was done, I had the kids clean up and got them ready for bed.
And this is where the dumb, young guy came out in me - I didn't really check the clean up job they did. My wife usually had to do some clean up when she got home - which I only found out recently when it was thrown up in my face during an 'I'm not happy' talk we had back in February.
In 1998, my wife opened up a pizza place with her brother, who left it six months later. I took out a loan to actually buy the building and business.
The business was 45 minutes from the house. The kids were still young, and asked to see their mom every night since the only time she got to see them was right before school, so I started taking them down there so they could visit with her during the slow periods. Since I was down there, I usually ended up helping where I could.
There were occasional moments throughout our marriage where she would just explode without reason. Almost always caught me and the kids by surprise as it was never predictable.
But we still had family time, and we still fun. We also still had the occasional fights about the house. By this time though, I had started to clean things without being asked. The problem? It was never good enough or I didn't do it the way she would've done it - end results didn't matter. And it was the same with the kids as well. After a while I just reverted back to helping her when asked, since doing things on my own volition never seemed to work...
In 1999, she gave birth to our third daughter. We also found out she was diabetic, and learned her fluctuating blood sugar could've caused the mood swings.
After 9/11, her business dropped way down and I lost my job - three times in a year - due to the economic down turn. She had to close the business in 2002 and we had to file for bankruptcy. At the time, we lived in Ohio, and the entire state was hit hard by the downturn. This is when I feel I made the biggest mistake of my life: I force a move to Florida in 2003.
It was logical, the economy was still thriving, we had enough money to make the move and live off of until we found jobs. The thing was, she didn't want to move. I told her I was going with or without her - something I should never have done... The kids didn't like it at first. While it worked out in the long run (even the kids agree), handling it the way I did was the wrong way to go about it. But, we eventually got back to being a family.
There were times when my wife would go out with our oldest daughter and some of her friends (all teens still), while I stayed at home with the other two. She was the cool mom.
The main problems during this time were: animals. She brought home a dog, that was supposed to belong to my daughter's boyfriend. Without mentioning a word to me. Fine, I let that go.
In 2007, we bought a house again. During this time, she allowed my daughter's boyfriend to move in... Something I was NOT happy about, but, was told too bad since the boy had an abusive home life - so she was told. Also, our animal collection ballooned from three dogs to seven dogs, two birds and a ferret. Only the birds were discussed.
During this time, the kids stopped helping around the house unless I I got involved or their mom blew a cork - yes, we lost control of our house. Further, the pet dander drove my allergies into over-drive, to the point where my sinuses were bleeding. This is where I reverted to an old habit - residing in my bedroom. In the evenings when the kids went to bed, I'd either go watch TV or mess with my computers, away from the things that aggravated me - pets, daughter's boyfriend, etc... I hid from the things I had no control over.
It got to the point where it was over bearing and I asked my doctor to put me on an antidepressant to help me cope. While that helped in certain ways, it made things worse. She would start cleaning something in another room; if nobody got up to help, she would come into the room and blow a chip at me about it, then I would go help. I would also say something to the kids about not helping their mom.
This was a vicious cycle until February of 2009. The morning after the Super Bowl, I was rear ended while sitting at a traffic light. I was left with permanent neck and back injuries, and fought traumatic brain injury. From 2009 until late 2011, I went thru numerous physical therapy and chiropractic sessions, and even started acupuncture. I also became addicted to pain killers and muscle relaxers. I was also on a fairly strong antidepressant, due partly to the TBI.
After the car accident, I changed. During the first 6 - 8 months after the accident, my wife really wouldn't let me do anything physical. Hell, even throughout 2010 when she opened a small cafe, she wouldn't let me help with the remodeling. In mid 2011, she got rid of her business partner and took over sole ownership of her cafe. Now, she's never really been a morning person. Her cafe was supposed to open at 6:30am.
Seeing as how she could never get there on time, I decided I would go in and open for her, and she could come in between 7 and 7:15 so I could go to work. This is when I began to see how far gone I was, and started making changes. I was 287 pounds, and could barely sweep the floor without getting dripping wet. I also noticed she was unhappy - that's wrong. I noticed quite a while earlier she was unhappy, but, could never get her to talk about it, so I figured it was my imagination.
Between June and November I had lost 40 pounds. I also tested the waters for a new job - in Texas. One that I would never have taken if she didn't want to move - learned that lesson already. Never even got to an interview stage. My wife used that as an excuse to go completely off the deep end.
During Thanksgiving weekend, we had the mother of all fights where she finally told me she wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. She also told me a friend of hers - a retired fire fighter - brought her a business proposal to open up a new, larger restaurant. Which was really news to me. Then I flashed back to a point in October when money was tight, she told me he brought her $500 to help get her thru the month, and alarms went off.
During this time, our oldest daughter was working for my wife, and she was very vocal about not approving of how my wife and her new business partner acted around each other - much more touchy-feely than two married but not to each other people should. Because of her 'lack of loyalty' so to speak, the wife gave our daughter the cold shoulder for almost a month. And I've heard a number of comments about their behavior from customers as well.
Add into that, since November she's had her cell phone locked and also been very secretive about who she talks to and who she sends messages to.
During January, my grandmother passed away. Our two youngest daughters and I were going to Ohio for the funeral. The wife refused to have dinner with our two daughters the night before we left, saying she didn't have the time. Yet the night before, she spent two hours with her business partner having dinner.
In Feb, we did talk for a few minutes. I got to hear how she's been unhappy for 24 years, the complete laundry list of my failures, I've been a poor father and how she's not sure if she wants to work to save the marriage. I realize I've made mistakes, but, even our kids do not understand what their mother is doing or where she is coming from.
At this point, due to the lack of honesty, I'm not sure I could even reconcile with her if she chose to. The trust issue has been broken down completely - I don't trust her. Recent text messages of hers I have seen point to an affair. She's told me she has no sex drive, but, messages to her friends are just the opposite. The last time we had sex was Thanksgiving morning, right before the big fight that evening. If she was so unhappy, etc.. what was that about - she initiated it...
From August to now, I have lost 70 pounds and am no longer on any meds. I did this for myself, as I realized the AD med made me not care about anything, which is not normal. That's a realization I wish my wife would come to - she's been on 10mg of Lexapro for about two years, and her doctor upped the dose to 20mg in December to help her get thru the stress of opening a new business. He asked her about dropping it back down this week - she refused.
I had started reading Mort Fertel's emails this week, and thinking about buying his program. Now I'm not sure it'd be worth the time, money or effort...
Dunno really where to begin, so I'll just start from the beginning.
My wife and I met on a blind date - I was 18 she was 16 - we were born 2 years, 360 days apart. Both of us are Scorpios. Due to the news we were expecting a child, we ended up getting married while she was still in high school - yes, very young. She finished school, though and gave birth to our first daughter in June of '89.
Twenty months later she had our second daughter - the same day I got out of USN boot camp. We were a Navy family for five years. I first noticed something odd in her behavior in April of '93. I was going in for surgery to have my spleen removed due to an illness I contracted. The morning she took me to the hospital, before she left, she handed me a note. Once I read it I was stunned - it was hate filled and completely hit me out of the blue. One of the nurses saw the expression on my face and asked if I was okay. I couldn't say anything - just handed her the note, and she was flabbergasted by it.
Once I got home from the hospital, she acted as if nothing ever happened, saying she was just scared and venting. Like every other couple, we had arguments about kids, money, life, etc...
One constant fight we almost always had was about cleaning up around the house. I would help if asked, but, it never really occurred to me to initiate cleaning up around the house. I've never demanded a clean house, a meal on the table, etc... from her. For most of our marriage, she was a stay at home mom - which was by her choice. I encouraged her to get a job at the BX on numerous occasions, just to get out of the house.
I ended up getting out of the Navy on disability in 1995, went back to my old job and we bought our first house. She got a job working nights at Wendy's. She would sometimes cook dinner before she left for work. After dinner was done, I had the kids clean up and got them ready for bed.
And this is where the dumb, young guy came out in me - I didn't really check the clean up job they did. My wife usually had to do some clean up when she got home - which I only found out recently when it was thrown up in my face during an 'I'm not happy' talk we had back in February.
In 1998, my wife opened up a pizza place with her brother, who left it six months later. I took out a loan to actually buy the building and business.
The business was 45 minutes from the house. The kids were still young, and asked to see their mom every night since the only time she got to see them was right before school, so I started taking them down there so they could visit with her during the slow periods. Since I was down there, I usually ended up helping where I could.
There were occasional moments throughout our marriage where she would just explode without reason. Almost always caught me and the kids by surprise as it was never predictable.
But we still had family time, and we still fun. We also still had the occasional fights about the house. By this time though, I had started to clean things without being asked. The problem? It was never good enough or I didn't do it the way she would've done it - end results didn't matter. And it was the same with the kids as well. After a while I just reverted back to helping her when asked, since doing things on my own volition never seemed to work...
In 1999, she gave birth to our third daughter. We also found out she was diabetic, and learned her fluctuating blood sugar could've caused the mood swings.
After 9/11, her business dropped way down and I lost my job - three times in a year - due to the economic down turn. She had to close the business in 2002 and we had to file for bankruptcy. At the time, we lived in Ohio, and the entire state was hit hard by the downturn. This is when I feel I made the biggest mistake of my life: I force a move to Florida in 2003.
It was logical, the economy was still thriving, we had enough money to make the move and live off of until we found jobs. The thing was, she didn't want to move. I told her I was going with or without her - something I should never have done... The kids didn't like it at first. While it worked out in the long run (even the kids agree), handling it the way I did was the wrong way to go about it. But, we eventually got back to being a family.
There were times when my wife would go out with our oldest daughter and some of her friends (all teens still), while I stayed at home with the other two. She was the cool mom.
The main problems during this time were: animals. She brought home a dog, that was supposed to belong to my daughter's boyfriend. Without mentioning a word to me. Fine, I let that go.
In 2007, we bought a house again. During this time, she allowed my daughter's boyfriend to move in... Something I was NOT happy about, but, was told too bad since the boy had an abusive home life - so she was told. Also, our animal collection ballooned from three dogs to seven dogs, two birds and a ferret. Only the birds were discussed.
During this time, the kids stopped helping around the house unless I I got involved or their mom blew a cork - yes, we lost control of our house. Further, the pet dander drove my allergies into over-drive, to the point where my sinuses were bleeding. This is where I reverted to an old habit - residing in my bedroom. In the evenings when the kids went to bed, I'd either go watch TV or mess with my computers, away from the things that aggravated me - pets, daughter's boyfriend, etc... I hid from the things I had no control over.
It got to the point where it was over bearing and I asked my doctor to put me on an antidepressant to help me cope. While that helped in certain ways, it made things worse. She would start cleaning something in another room; if nobody got up to help, she would come into the room and blow a chip at me about it, then I would go help. I would also say something to the kids about not helping their mom.
This was a vicious cycle until February of 2009. The morning after the Super Bowl, I was rear ended while sitting at a traffic light. I was left with permanent neck and back injuries, and fought traumatic brain injury. From 2009 until late 2011, I went thru numerous physical therapy and chiropractic sessions, and even started acupuncture. I also became addicted to pain killers and muscle relaxers. I was also on a fairly strong antidepressant, due partly to the TBI.
After the car accident, I changed. During the first 6 - 8 months after the accident, my wife really wouldn't let me do anything physical. Hell, even throughout 2010 when she opened a small cafe, she wouldn't let me help with the remodeling. In mid 2011, she got rid of her business partner and took over sole ownership of her cafe. Now, she's never really been a morning person. Her cafe was supposed to open at 6:30am.
Seeing as how she could never get there on time, I decided I would go in and open for her, and she could come in between 7 and 7:15 so I could go to work. This is when I began to see how far gone I was, and started making changes. I was 287 pounds, and could barely sweep the floor without getting dripping wet. I also noticed she was unhappy - that's wrong. I noticed quite a while earlier she was unhappy, but, could never get her to talk about it, so I figured it was my imagination.
Between June and November I had lost 40 pounds. I also tested the waters for a new job - in Texas. One that I would never have taken if she didn't want to move - learned that lesson already. Never even got to an interview stage. My wife used that as an excuse to go completely off the deep end.
During Thanksgiving weekend, we had the mother of all fights where she finally told me she wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. She also told me a friend of hers - a retired fire fighter - brought her a business proposal to open up a new, larger restaurant. Which was really news to me. Then I flashed back to a point in October when money was tight, she told me he brought her $500 to help get her thru the month, and alarms went off.
During this time, our oldest daughter was working for my wife, and she was very vocal about not approving of how my wife and her new business partner acted around each other - much more touchy-feely than two married but not to each other people should. Because of her 'lack of loyalty' so to speak, the wife gave our daughter the cold shoulder for almost a month. And I've heard a number of comments about their behavior from customers as well.
Add into that, since November she's had her cell phone locked and also been very secretive about who she talks to and who she sends messages to.
During January, my grandmother passed away. Our two youngest daughters and I were going to Ohio for the funeral. The wife refused to have dinner with our two daughters the night before we left, saying she didn't have the time. Yet the night before, she spent two hours with her business partner having dinner.
In Feb, we did talk for a few minutes. I got to hear how she's been unhappy for 24 years, the complete laundry list of my failures, I've been a poor father and how she's not sure if she wants to work to save the marriage. I realize I've made mistakes, but, even our kids do not understand what their mother is doing or where she is coming from.
At this point, due to the lack of honesty, I'm not sure I could even reconcile with her if she chose to. The trust issue has been broken down completely - I don't trust her. Recent text messages of hers I have seen point to an affair. She's told me she has no sex drive, but, messages to her friends are just the opposite. The last time we had sex was Thanksgiving morning, right before the big fight that evening. If she was so unhappy, etc.. what was that about - she initiated it...
From August to now, I have lost 70 pounds and am no longer on any meds. I did this for myself, as I realized the AD med made me not care about anything, which is not normal. That's a realization I wish my wife would come to - she's been on 10mg of Lexapro for about two years, and her doctor upped the dose to 20mg in December to help her get thru the stress of opening a new business. He asked her about dropping it back down this week - she refused.
I had started reading Mort Fertel's emails this week, and thinking about buying his program. Now I'm not sure it'd be worth the time, money or effort...