What if you hate the person you're supposed to love?
Just to begin...I started off head over heals in love with my husband. I wanted to be his wife, his #1 supporter, his friend and his companion. I did anything and everything for him. He asked me to jump I jumped. He couldnt get enough of me sexually either and we had the best intimate relationship. When we got married though it's like a switch went off and he would leave me at home while he went out and did him. He would go out with friends, then he would come home and literally take his phone with him into the bathroom and lock the door. Come to find out he cheated. It broke my heart, i cried for days and nights trying to find out what I did wrong. I understand we were both new to being married but my understanding was that marriage was sacred. It meant looking to each other for everything even when you feel there is something wrong. Well anyway of course becase I loved him I forgave him (more than once) and we kept trying. However we would never have consistant good days. We would argue over everything, there was no trust. We went to counseling and she helped us a lot and we did good for a while. Then after we had our son the arguments would start up again, the phone would get taken into the bathroom, he would tell me things like he is just going to worry about him since I could never be happy. He would always find a way to blame everything on me. For instance if I said i was unhappy because i felt he wasnt paying attention to me he would say oh im sorry i didnt realize i was caring for a baby. Or his solution was fine well come sit here and watch what im watching. Never any effort. Then I slipped up and I was getting attention and everything I thought I needed from another man. That quickly ended and we went back to counseling because my husband would throw it in my face about what I had done but in ways where he was acting like a hypocrite. He would say things like how could you do this to me, i will never look at you the same. And he would ask me why I willingly hurt him and he would just make me feel lower than dirt but it would upset me so much because he would act like the shoe was never on the other foot. Anyway we went to counseling and agreed we would have a fresh start. Shortly after the military moved us to a new place unfamiliar to both of us. We were doing okay at first up until 2 months ago. We argue all the time and when we argue it's not normal we say unbelievably hurtful things to one another. He knows my weaknesses and he uses them against me. He purposely says things to me that make me lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I love this man so much and I have done everything to make him happy. I give him everything he wants, I never say no out of fear of getting him upset, I cook, clean, work, care for our son but he never seems to take me into consideration. He doesnt ask me if I'm okay or how I feel. He doesnt care, he gets home and goes to the room and watches TV all night. When I bring something up to him he says all I ever do is complain and if I am so unhappy then there is the door and I can leave. Recently he told me he doesnt understand why I care so much at work because no one at my job gives a crap about me anyway. We have been married going on 6 years now and I cant remember one happy Valentines Day, birthday or for the past 2 years Mother's Day. The first Mother's day my son was only 2 months old and we separated for a month so I was alone with family crying my eyes out all day, the second we forcefully went out to eat only because he told me if he didnt take me out I would never shut up. I didnt even get something as small as a card, I cried throughout our entire dinner at Johnny Carinos. I can remember it very well. I dont know if its because Mother's Day is approaching and feelings are coming up again or if it just all built up inside finally but I cant help but feel like I hate him. I have this anger toward him that makes me shake. He's NEVER said "I'm sorry I'm wrong" out of pride I guess. I always brush things off my shoulder just to avoid us not speaking to each other anymore but I cant anymore. I want to feel like he cares. I want a husband who wants to be happy with me. I want a family that loves each other and supports and respects each other. I dont feel like I have that with him. But I fear that if I give up now I will have wasted 6 years of my life. Is this scenario normal??? Do other people face these same situations? Help!
Re: What if you hate the person you're supposed to love?
One last thing.......the sad part of all this is that I truly feel that if he at least admitted that he was wrong for hurting me, for saing things that made me feel like dirt I would forgive him. I really would. In marriages we make mistakes and I know this but it's when we admit thos mistakes and own up to them that make it work I believe. I may be wrong and this may sound like too easy of an out but in my heart I truly love him I just cant get past the fact that he doesnt treat me like his wife. To me a true "I'm sorry" would change everything for me. It would show me he cared and that he wants to make our marriage work. But how long am I supposed to wait for that?
Re: What if you hate the person you're supposed to love?
If you hate your husband I would say you are pretty normal. Don't let the logic of it get the best of you. It is okay to hate someone when they are abusive to you. The answer to that is to unhusband yourself. Trust me on that one. I stayed married 4 or 5 months longer than I needed to. He is taking advantage of your dedication to your morals, your ideals, and your dreams. That is a moral crime. Clearly you are mismatched. You are a true believer, and you deserve to be married to a true believer, someone you can safely love. Let your husband get married to someone who doesn't care and who can treat him just as he treats her. You aren't that person. It is really okay to get a divorce. Nobody will think you are a bad person for bailing on a marriage. It's not a marriage. It is legally a marriage, but it is not really a marriage. He probably never intended it to be.
Re: What if you hate the person you're supposed to love?
I'm guessing the two of you are quite young, and that is the problem. You have emotional needs as a young woman. He has no emotional needs (but will one day) and has no idea how to be a woman. He also doesn't understand women, and that makes him a very, very, VERY normal man. It's just that hope is some men, and your husband, will grow up one of these days. You just cannot and should not wait around for that. Why? Because you will be waiting for the rest of your life if you think you can wait for him to change or grow up. It's already too late for the two of you. He does not respect you. He considers you a nag and underserving of his love and attention. You will always be that to him. It makes no sense to be miserable and know your future holds nothing but more misery.
It also makes no sense to decided an apology would fix anything, much less everything. Why do you not recognize the rollercoaster ride you have been on all these years? Why would you ask for more of that just for the sake of an apology? "Give me one apology, and I pledge the rest of my life to your inconsideration and abuse." That's what you sound like.
Have you accepted yet that he will not change? I hope so. You have to examine your marriage/relationship for what it is, not for what you wish it could be.
I will tell you though, you have one - JUST ONE - last chance to see if your marriage could work and see if he could change. But, you have to be willing to do what is necessary. You have to be willing to leave. You have to be willing to walk out the door right now. I know you don't want to and I know it is very hard, but you have to because leaving is the only thing that represents any possible chance of your marriage working. Leaving is the only thing that represents any possible chance of him changing. I guarantee you, if you leave he will be begging in 1-3 days for you to return. He has only been mistreating you because you are the underdog and the one who always does the begging and backing down. He only disrespects you because you tolerate his disrespect. He hurts you because you gave him all your power. Leaving will be a great big wakeup call for him because leaving will turn the tables and take back all that power you have given him. Leaving will make desperately want you to return.
Leaving never fails to turn the tide. Normally, the man cries, he begs, tells her how much he loves her, and he makes a million promises to change. Then, the wife goes back home believing him and thinking she can rely on his ardent sincerity. But it never lasts. NEVER! Not for more than a month or two, usually only for a week or two. Just like I said your situation is very, very, VERY normal? This is normal too. The wife always goes back too soon, too quickly. He does all this begging and promising because he REALLY IS sincere for that moment but only as long as takes to get the words out of his mouth and to her ears. He KNOWS that is what she wants to hear. He KNOWS hearing his words and tears and promises will get her to come back and try again. Just like you have tried over and over for nothing to change, when the woman goes back it is just for the cycle to begin all over again.
This always happens and why will this happen to you? It will happen because you are just like all other women in your same situation (which is most women). You want him to love you. You want to be special to him. You want your marriage work. You have your definition of what marriage is supposed to mean. Women ALWAYS go back (if they have sense enough to leave), but they ALWAYS go back only for things to turn into the same debilitating and miserable situation that it always was.
So, if you try this, you cannot go back too soon. You HAVE to be determined not to go back just because he asked you to, just because he begged, and just because he made a million promises. If you want your marriage to have any chance at all, you HAVE to stay strong through this difficult time and stay away. I know it will be difficult because you will want so badly to go back. You didn't want to leave in the first place.
What will happen while you are gone is you will build up strength. You will see that you can make it on your own in life without him, and being without him is not so terrible as you feared it would be. You will have grown and had time to think clearly. Soon enough, you won't feel so desperate like you can't live without him. You might even begin to feel you don't want to go back because you will have utilized your time wisely by thinking of the situation and seeing it for what it truly was, and that will make you angry. You'll get angry that he humiliated and disrespected you and showed you so little concern. You will be angry at yourself for tolerating his abuse and actually wanting more of it. That is how well you can see when the skies are clear. Right now, you live with your abuser and desperately want his love. Right now, your life and thought patterns are clouded by the daily climate and atmosphere in your household. You need to give yourself time away to clear your head. You need to give your self a chance at a happy life.
When the time comes that you must decide whether to stay away, divorce, or go back and try again, you will be able to make that decision after much deliberation within yourself. The decision won't be easy, only by this time, it won't be easy because you actually won't want to go back. You will be wiser and much less eager to place your life and heart in his hands. You will have realized he cannot be trusted with something so valuable.
The reason you must not go back when he first starts begging is that you have to give him an assignment. You can't go back too quickly in order to give him time to execute the assignment. Tell him you will not come back until he attends marriage counseling with you. Tell him you will not come back until he has attended for at least 2 months (roughly 8 sessions) and shows you a real effort. Tell him you will not come back until he shows you he is serious about changing. Make the appointments with a counselor, and then sit back to see what he does. Stick to your guns and don't go back too soon. You will miss terribley at first. You will want to hear his voice at first. You will want him to express his feelings of love to you at first. But, you have to stay strong and not go back until he proves he is capable of respecting you again. Like I said, by that time, you probably won't even want him anymore because you will have gotten stronger every single day. Give yourself that chance. You deserve it.