I have been married now for 5 years in a relationship for 7 we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who is our life.
Problem is we don't get on, we don't have sex, we don't kiss or cuddle or really share any affection and we just have a total lack of respect for each other now which I fear is impossible to get over.
I love my wife dearly and find her very sexually attractive, when we met we had a fantastic relationship in all of these ways but now if we have sex once a month i'm lucky and really feel she only does it as a favour to me as she won't kiss me throughout and just wants it over with as soon as possible.
Not long after we met she told me that she had been abused as a child by her grandfather and that she had never told anyone, i felt so sorry for her and immediately told her i loved her and I would do anything it took to help her.
I have done this for years, been her sole confidant, went to councelling with her always been her shouldert to cry on and I have always understood why sex is an issue, the problem is it is not getting any better and she won't face it now, she failed at councelling becuase she was told to confide in her parents which she did, and that was very very hard for her, its not that they didn't care but they preffered to sweep it under the rug and not talk about it and still continue to see this man and try to get us to come round at Christmas when he is there....
I found this discusting and I now have zero respect for her parents becasue of this, this set her back and now she is back to square one and refuses to face it.
I feel like I have done all I can and I can't put my own life on hold anymore because of this, I have needs and I deserve to be loved and have a healthy sexual relationship too.
SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME BUT ITS ALL WORDS AS FAR AS I CAN SEE.
She has taken to over the last year completely avoiding the subject basically saying it doesn't affect her anymore, but when I ask why we don't have sex or any closeness she turns the blame on to me.
Now I work hard earn allot pay most of the bills, cook the tea, clean up and share childcare 50/50 I don't go out drinking or sit playing comuter games i really do try but i'm now at the end of my teahther.
I am sick and tired of being the good guy and being made to feel like the bad guy, yes i get frustrated yes that sometimes makes me moody but i'm just so desperately frustrated I can't help it now and as soon as i Raise my voice im being controlling or aggressive and it all gets turned round on to me.
I have been there all of the time for her and can give no more, I have never cheated but i'm fairly sure she has at least twice but could't prove it... but now I feel i have no option, divorce or seperation just means a meSsy break up and i couldn't do that to my daughter and I can't sacrifice my time with her.
I feel so trapped and almost abused myself by this.
Sorry if I missed it in your posting, but what response has she had when you've talked to her about your needs, your desire to be physically intimate with her, and your fears about the walls that are building up?
We talk about it often too much to be honest, her general response is there is no problem i just think about sex too much and that puts pressure on her, which is true but is a result of the complete lack of intamacy. if i try to dig further she usually gets angry and starts telling me about my faults. Generally she is not prepred to accept that any of this is of her making and it's all my fault. That usually ends with me raising my voice and then appologising for it which then allows her to put all of the blame on to me... i try not to get frustrated by it but i just can't anymore its ruining my life basically either i am to blame for everything or occasionally she will agree we are both to blame but she never is to blame for anything on her own and accepts no responsibilty which just makes it harder for me to respect her and put things to one side.
Ask her if she wants a divorce. It's not a game, it's just to see what she's really feeling about you and the marriage. I think that's a good first step to getting to the bottom of it.
You know, I also am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Yes, it can really mess you up, BUT as an adult, it is her responsibility to pursue some kind of treatment for this. It's clearly damaging your relationship, and it's not fair of her to just blame the situation on her past without pursuing any kind of improvement. I agree with above, you need to have a very frank conversation with her about your future.
As far as divorce or separation, your daughter is currently growing up with a very skewed view of what a normal marriage looks like -- is that really fair to her? If you are miserable, I think she'd be better off with a happy divorced dad than with two angry parents staying in a marriage out of some sense of duty.
I'm very sorry for your situation -- good luck and please do keep us posted.
Thanks guys, we have had the divorce conversation several times, before our daughter was born we got as far an MC which really helped me understand her better and we did make changes for a while, but after our daughter was born it just went back to how it was.
I love her dearly still and all I want is to see my daughter grow up evry day and if we split that's not going to happen.
Its a mess but thanks for everyones help, I appreciate it. Posted via Mobile Device
We talk about it often too much to be honest, her general response is there is no problem i just think about sex too much and that puts pressure on her, which is true but is a result of the complete lack of intimacy. if i try to dig further she usually gets angry and starts telling me about my faults.
My husband pulls the same crap. We need to get them together. they might be miserable together or perhaps perfectly content. But at least we'd be rid of them.
Hate to tell you this, but I've been begging, pleading and crying for over 20 years and nothing has changed. Now we are separated and he still says the same things as your wife does when I bring stuff up...that I'm "pressuring him" and he feels a need to "perform". Why is wanting to make love with someone you love "pressure?"
So now I've told him there will be no sleeping in my bed with me because all I do is get angry and frustrated. I'd rather be sleeping alone then be with someone who doesn't desire me. The worst is when you do have sex and there is no passion, no kissing or talking or anything. It's just a physical act. For that I can satisfy myself in my own way. I don't need him there.
So I've pretty much have given up on him. It's not even a concerted effort on my part anymore. I just don't care and have built up my own life without him. That's the only thing that's fixed it on my end.
Has it fixed the marriage? No. But at least I haven't wasted any more time and emotion on it. I'm getting on with my life.
Perhaps you will do better but eventually you'll have to make a decision to stop talking and begin walking away. Good luck.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
You need to take care of this. You sound so much like me, 17 years ago.
My kids are now older teenagers. I feel like they have been harmed by the way our marriage is. I wish I would have dealt with this many years ago, as living like this (the way you and I both are) is not the way to live.
Don't waste your life. Get her to agree to get help, or move on.
@SadSam and PTK -
If I may pipe in, I'm in the same position as you guys from the standpoint of being in a marriage that could be and probably is affecting the kids.
I wish I would have had the guts to follow my gut 13 years ago, before we had a second child. But now I feel the obligation to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of portraying a "whole" family to my children (Because I come from a broken home).
I agree with @lamaga though. Kids deserve happy parents, whether they are together or separated.
@SadSam and PTK -
If I may pipe in, I'm in the same position as you guys from the standpoint of being in a marriage that could be and probably is affecting the kids.
I wish I would have had the guts to follow my gut 13 years ago, before we had a second child. But now I feel the obligation to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of portraying a "whole" family to my children (Because I come from a broken home).
I agree with @lamaga though. Kids deserve happy parents, whether they are together or separated.
I totally agree, a few home truths have come out in the last day or two and the initial response I got actually filled me with hope for a while, but that has been totally drained away again today she is back to her worst and has now developed an even stronger relationship with her phone, facebook mostly but she starts looking when she thinks I'm out of the room and quickly turns it off the second I return! I have that horrible oh my god is she cheating feeling and I just don't know what to do, we have been here before and I asked her only to be proved wrong an then accused of not trusting her, I can do without that argument again but I'm sorry something about me just doesn't trust her anynore and I need to know, what can I do guys? Posted via Mobile Device
I totally agree, a few home truths have come out in the last day or two and the initial response I got actually filled me with hope for a while, but that has been totally drained away again today she is back to her worst and has now developed an even stronger relationship with her phone, facebook mostly but she starts looking when she thinks I'm out of the room and quickly turns it off the second I return! I have that horrible oh my god is she cheating feeling and I just don't know what to do, we have been here before and I asked her only to be proved wrong an then accused of not trusting her, I can do without that argument again but I'm sorry something about me just doesn't trust her anynore and I need to know, what can I do guys? Posted via Mobile Device
Sounds like my wife, she is stuck to her phone 24/7 on FB and TXTing. Continously checks her phone...and when she hears me coming she turns it off and pretends she's not doing anything.
Getting a bit off-topic, but my wife does this too, and I'm 99.9% sure she's not cheating on me.
She just has a facebook addiction problem, and is embarrassed about it, so she closes the browser when she hears me coming. She does the same thing with Netflix.
It is not unusual for her to go on fb etc quite often however the secrecy is unusual, she decided late last nite she would go to the shop for some chocolate which again is unusual her phone was on the sofa, she picked it up and I thought she had taken it with her, the shop is 2 minutes away and she was gone for nearly 30 mins, I tried to call but she didn't answer as I was putting our daughter to bed, when she did come in she went straight into the bedroom to a draw where her phone was hidden under some stuff, I didn't ask but she decided she would tell me the whole long story about why she had been so long and why she had accidentally put her phone in the draw and that was ther first thing she went to get.
As I said I didn't ask she just blurted this all out and seemed very flustered too, I just made out like there was no issue and she then mentioned the phone twice more that evening, asking me to look at stuff for her which she never does. Basically felt like she had deleted anything off the phone and could tell I was suspicious and decided to offer me the phone to look through as some kind of double bluff!
I know whe is hiding something there is no doubt about it, shame is I don't care so I am just going to play the same game with her from now. Posted via Mobile Device
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No Sex, No Love No respect!!! 
