Good Friends, Depression, Chat Rooms lead to Separation, Some Advise Please!
We have been married for 18 years and known each other for 21years. Everything in our relationship was normal and typical until about 4 years ago. At that time my wife was depressed and not wanting sex and basically told me that if I didn’t like it to find someone else.
Not wanting to ever really cheat on her I turned to an internet chat room where over time I did meet someone far away that I talked with and got some comfort from. After a month or so of chatting the wife found out got mad, even though she had basically said to find someone, and asked me to stop talking to the person which I did for her.
Over the next few years if we had a situation where she pushed me away or was in her depression I would look for comfort in the chat rooms and find someone for a short period of time.
This has gone on and off the last 4 years. Well the last time she got into her funk and I turned to the internet a person I was talking with who I thought was a ways away turned out to be local. She asked if we could have lunch and I agreed. She was married with two kids and having problems and just wanted to talk so I saw no harm.
We met for lunch twice and talked about our situations and such and found some comfort in each other. We shared a hug each time but nothing else. Well again the wife found out and went crazy over this. This was the early part of this year and now we can’t seem to move on and put it behind us. She is afraid the next time she is this way I will meet someone again and I have the same fear.
We have tried counseling and that didn’t seem to work for us. We have talked till we are blue in the face with no resolve. We are now trying to live apart in the same house in separate bedrooms and such in hopes of figuring out what to do, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
Thankfully we have no children so that has not been an issue. The issue has become what I can do when she gets in her moods and funk for comfort that won’t lead to situations that upset her. I have hurt her I know but I don’t want to be in that situation again but I have known her for over 20 years and know she will get in that mood eventually and I need a release valve for that time.
In addition, to that we have had discussions over frequency of sex and such, she is more the few times a month person recently while I am still the few times a week person I have always been. Recently also the sex has gotten down to a one position type sex over the last few years as well. While I would love to see things change and become spicier like they used to be and go beyond that. Since all this recent stuff happened we have been away from each other sexually for a few months as I felt that was best. Now she feels rejected and I did tell her now you know how I felt during those times.
For some background I have always made good money so the wife works when she wants to, many times just a few days a month and we for the most part have a good life and are the best of friends a good portion of that time. She does have issues with me having to constantly check on work even when we are on vacation or weekends and such through my blackberry but I always remind her that it is what pays for the trips and allows us to do what we do so it is a necessary evil. We love to travel and do so often. She is Hispanic, I am white, and she does have her feisty moments for sure.
We are just lost right now as to what to do and have talked of divorce because I don’t want to hurt her again and she doesn’t want to hurt me again. A part of me really wants to work this out with her, but a small part of me after 20 years cannot deal with the mood swings and funk anymore and really needs something or someone to help me during that time. I do miss the chatting and friends I have made there but I have stayed away from it at her request. We are both catholic so family, friends and such really have not been helpful as their only advise is marriage is forever so work it out and deal with it. So any help would be appreciated.
Last edited by TDP; 03-20-2009 at 07:55 AM.