Good Friends, Depression, Chat Rooms lead to Separation
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » Good Friends, Depression, Chat Rooms lead to Separation

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 03-19-2009, 08:59 AM   #1 (permalink)
TDP
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Default Good Friends, Depression, Chat Rooms lead to Separation, Some Advise Please!

We have been married for 18 years and known each other for 21years. Everything in our relationship was normal and typical until about 4 years ago. At that time my wife was depressed and not wanting sex and basically told me that if I didnít like it to find someone else.

Not wanting to ever really cheat on her I turned to an internet chat room where over time I did meet someone far away that I talked with and got some comfort from. After a month or so of chatting the wife found out got mad, even though she had basically said to find someone, and asked me to stop talking to the person which I did for her.

Over the next few years if we had a situation where she pushed me away or was in her depression I would look for comfort in the chat rooms and find someone for a short period of time.

This has gone on and off the last 4 years. Well the last time she got into her funk and I turned to the internet a person I was talking with who I thought was a ways away turned out to be local. She asked if we could have lunch and I agreed. She was married with two kids and having problems and just wanted to talk so I saw no harm.

We met for lunch twice and talked about our situations and such and found some comfort in each other. We shared a hug each time but nothing else. Well again the wife found out and went crazy over this. This was the early part of this year and now we canít seem to move on and put it behind us. She is afraid the next time she is this way I will meet someone again and I have the same fear.

We have tried counseling and that didnít seem to work for us. We have talked till we are blue in the face with no resolve. We are now trying to live apart in the same house in separate bedrooms and such in hopes of figuring out what to do, but it doesnít seem to be working.

Thankfully we have no children so that has not been an issue. The issue has become what I can do when she gets in her moods and funk for comfort that wonít lead to situations that upset her. I have hurt her I know but I donít want to be in that situation again but I have known her for over 20 years and know she will get in that mood eventually and I need a release valve for that time.

In addition, to that we have had discussions over frequency of sex and such, she is more the few times a month person recently while I am still the few times a week person I have always been. Recently also the sex has gotten down to a one position type sex over the last few years as well. While I would love to see things change and become spicier like they used to be and go beyond that. Since all this recent stuff happened we have been away from each other sexually for a few months as I felt that was best. Now she feels rejected and I did tell her now you know how I felt during those times.

For some background I have always made good money so the wife works when she wants to, many times just a few days a month and we for the most part have a good life and are the best of friends a good portion of that time. She does have issues with me having to constantly check on work even when we are on vacation or weekends and such through my blackberry but I always remind her that it is what pays for the trips and allows us to do what we do so it is a necessary evil. We love to travel and do so often. She is Hispanic, I am white, and she does have her feisty moments for sure.

We are just lost right now as to what to do and have talked of divorce because I donít want to hurt her again and she doesnít want to hurt me again. A part of me really wants to work this out with her, but a small part of me after 20 years cannot deal with the mood swings and funk anymore and really needs something or someone to help me during that time. I do miss the chatting and friends I have made there but I have stayed away from it at her request. We are both catholic so family, friends and such really have not been helpful as their only advise is marriage is forever so work it out and deal with it. So any help would be appreciated.

Last edited by TDP; 03-20-2009 at 07:55 AM.
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Old 03-19-2009, 10:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Friends, Depression, Chat Rooms lead to Separation

sounds a lot like my situation. been together 8 yrs, married 6. we have 3 children, only 1 is ours together.

after the birth of our son, i lost my sex drive & desire. i consulted every doc i have. ob/gyn said don't worry it will come back. endocronoligist said just give him some now & then & stop worrying about. my primary care put me on antidepressants just in case it was post partum. we sought counseling after he had an affair & contracted an std. that didn't help. i also tried pills that say the stimulate libido, viagra & even hypnosis. nothing!!!!

we were still having sex, just not with the frequency we used to instead of a couple of times a week went to a couple of times a month. he said he could tell i was just going through the motions most of the time. (so much for just give him some now & then)

i hated that i didn't fell the same way about myself, substandard wife, inadequate mate. he thought it was him, but it wasn't. i had lost my desire for anything. i used to masterbate frequently, watch porn by myself & with my spouse. i evn stopped fanatsizing. it was awful for both of us. i got tired of trying to find answers & getting none.

not sure why your wife may be getting into these funks. could she be depressed? does she have a lack of energy?

i made lifestyle changes to try to improve my drive. I joined curves to try to increase my stamina & energy level. I absolutely love it & what it has done for me. I am losing weight & eating better. energy as increased. i do find my fantasies have increased & i do day dream about being with my husband sexually & i am masturbating again. unfortunately my husband thinks the new found drive is not genuine & just a desperate attempt to pull our marriage out of the toilet.

I feel for what you are experiencing. I hate that it took our marriage about to end for me to pull my head out of my azz & make these changes.

I know that my past 4 years have been detrimental to our marriage even though everything alse about it has been very good. I have put my husband thru hell for 4 years & i so regret it.

20 years is a long time to be ready to cast aside. talk to your wife & see if she will agree to make some compromise. i am also hispanic & can be feisty too. try to accentuate her sexuality by complementing her, see if she will watch porn with you. that would usually get me interested even when in a funk.

look at how you react when she is in a funk. i know my husband did not help my situation. he had an affair, would make snide comments about not getting any & would sometimes act like an azz the day after he did get some. not much for inspiring or motivating a next romp.

like Mort says, try the fixing of you to get your spouse to come around. it took 4 years to get to this point, but you both play a part in the responsibilty of why you are where you are right now.

look at what you may have done to play a role in this & try to turn that around.

i hope you can turn it around. i would hate to see you discard 20 years over just 4 yrs. i'll pray for you & your wife as i do for us.
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Old 03-19-2009, 11:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Friends, Depression, Chat Rooms lead to Separation

Thanks for the advise. Lots of good points. I think alot of her depression is caused by the fact that both her parents are gone now, she is not real close with her brother and sister, but does have a few close nieces in her life. We also had a dog of 17 years that died about a year or so ago was like a child to us. We have not gotten another one due to our traveling all the time.

She also has no thyroid so take synthroid each day. I was a borderline diabetic and overweight so i joined a gym and asked her to as well. I have lost over 50 lbs now so getting in shape.
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Old 03-19-2009, 03:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Friends, Depression, Chat Rooms lead to Separation

maybe you can convince her to join Curves, not too costly & she will meet some other women she may connect with on a social level. she needs to focus on herself & feeling better about her self. Maybe her primary care doc could prescribe a mild anti depressant. steroids wreak havoc on your body...i'm sorry she has to take them.

if all else fails, have her contact me...i can give her 1st hand advice on this very issue. i have royally screwed myself by not screwing my husband & i have probably lost him for good!!!!! i am sure she doesn't want to do the same. but it is hard to concern yourself with your significant other when you feel so poorly about yourself.
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Old 03-19-2009, 03:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Friends, Depression, Chat Rooms lead to Separation, Advise Please!

Thanks I will tell her.

Last edited by TDP; 03-20-2009 at 07:58 AM.
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Old 03-20-2009, 07:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: ADVISE PLEASE

I Just saw this today and keep looking to see if any new posts but none ..

Hope someone gives there thoughts on this i am going thru the same thing right now ...

LadyD
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Old 03-20-2009, 07:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: ADVISE PLEASE

Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyD View Post
I Just saw this today and keep looking to see if any new posts but none ..

Hope someone gives there thoughts on this i am going thru the same thing right now ...

LadyD
It is good to know we are not the only ones going through this is your situation exactly the same?
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Old 04-20-2009, 11:07 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Friends, Depression, Chat Rooms lead to Separation

on...

Last edited by Snow Angel; 04-23-2009 at 08:55 AM.
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