05-13-2012, 08:51 PM
Join Date: May 2012
| | Analysis Paralysis
I don't know where to start...
Haven't had sex in 5 years. I reject him. He has been critical, physically abusive (once pretty bad), moody, judgmental and controlling.
We've been married 8. He doesn't even try anymore. We're in our first marriage. No kids. Early 40s. I wanted kids but now I can't with him because he hurt me so much. He is very rigid. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic dad and I feel like I married a sort of similar pattern. I can't believe I did that. I was so aware of my past.
I just can't be attracted to someone that treats me like that. On the other hand he provides for me very well. I can also provide for myself. He gives me gifts, takes me to nice places, go on nice trips (even though he criticizes the places I choose to stay).
I am just so confused. There is no connection anymore. He is "supportive" with the "great job" and "I am proud of you" stuff but then puts down the things I do sort of like makes fun of the people who do the same things or talks about how he isn't as good.
It is apparent that it is a self esteem and anger problem on his part. One time he couldn't turn the ringer off on my phone when I wasn't in the room and smashed it to pieces.
He always talk at me like he is frustrated. I used to call him at work on occasion and he would treat me really bad with the tone and "I am so busy. What do you want?" So I don't call anymore. It is really difficult to express the "tones" that he used with me. I walk on eggshells around him. You just don't know when the next "angry" thing is going to be. Everyone is always out to get him.
When he was physically abusive he went to a counselor. He always says "You know why I hurt you don't you?" and says that I wasn't supporting him. The reason I wasn't supporting him is because the police were trying to take his drunk self to jail for being obnoxious in public!!! I was mortified!!! No I am not going to support that!
Before that incident I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he wouldn't. That was about 4 years ago. Now he sees his counselor regularly and is working on it but up until December was still hard on me and then...I checked out. Someone came into my life that was so gentle and kind to me that I woke up from my shell.
However, I scheduled marriage counseling because he agreed to go but it is too late. I have checked out. Now he wants to work on it like crazy and I am just done. I don't think I can get myself back. I don't think I'll ever be attracted to him. About 2 months ago I read his text messages and he was calling me the 'c' word to his friends and saying how he wants to "put his seed in fertile soil" because I was being to distant and checked out. Again he says "Well I am really hurt." I was really hurt when he choked me so bad that I couldn't breath but I didn't take it outside the marriage like that. He also called me the 'c' word when he beat me up. So now if I think of having sex with him those are the things I think of.
I am just so confused. I feel so bad for not caring anymore and not wanting to try. I've read the "Too good to leave..." book and some chapters really make sense.
A general response when I try to share things in the house is "What do you mean? What does that mean?" or when I try to be funny (and trust me I AM FUNNY!) I get "that's not funny".
So the other person that came in to my life (we are just friends and I have a lot of girlfriends too) laughs at me and gets what I am saying. Always.
I see a counselor on my own too. I just can't get over the guilt and like I should have done things better and worked harder and not given him all the power so I didn't get here.
Am I nuts??? I am so so so confused. Can you get back that "loving" feeling??? He complains that I don't let things go and I stated that he keeps repeating the behavior in one way or another. I am just worn out.
Last edited by username_anonymous; 05-13-2012 at 09:09 PM.
Reason: More info. added.