Upon further discussion with her she just keeps saying that she isn't in love with me and is sorry she hurt me. I don't really buy the 'I never was in love' thing, I feel like it is a cop out.
She said that if we weren't married she would have left me. Just to think 7 months ago it was completely different (and for the 6 or so years up to that point). Maybe I never will understand why this happened, that is the frustrating for someone like me.
We made love last week for the first time in a long time. She claims that afterwards she was crying because of the emotional hurt. I never saw it but that can't be good.
We briefly discussed seperating, which I believe doesn't matter since she is checked out. Maybe it is just the way it needs to be....
If you are looking for another way to approach this, and since it sounds like you have nothing to lose, there are a couple of books frequently recommended for men whose wives are actively cheating on them. She may not be, but as discussed she's exhibiting various signs. These books may help whether she is cheating, or just thinking about it, or just emotionally distant and not connecting to the marriage. (I am also having my husband read these, even though I was the loyal spouse.)
They are,
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Married Man Sex Life
Basically these books are road map for how to be a loving husband who gets respect. The idea is that the modern balanced husband isn't rude or domineering, abusive, or insensitive; but he also isn't a doormat and he stands up for himself. He is confident and commands respect with subtlety and humor, not anger and a 2x4.
Once you've read those books, there are others--His Needs / Her Needs, Love Busters, and The 5 Love Languages. I'd read them in pretty quick succession; it sounds like she is so incredibly checked out.
I've read about 2/3 of MMSL. The book is pretty good. I would say I fall into the nice guy category.
I am going to see where it goes from here. My wife has already said the ILYBINILWY so it might be too late.
As the book says she did marry me for a reason so I've got that going for me. I was out of town this weekend so more to come.
Well my wife wants to move out for a month or so. She says she needs her space and living in the same house just isn't working - in fact making things worse.
I do not like the idea of her moving out. I think it only makes it worse. She did agree to go to couples therapy so maybe there still is hope.
You are still sure she isn't seeing someone / holding out hope of being with someone?
What promises are you making to each other about being separated?
Is she allowed to date other people because she's moved out, or is she saying she'll only be working on herself?
-I don't think there is someone else although all this would make more sense. Her mom (who she close with) even called and demanded she tell the truth and the answer was 'no'.
- We haven't worked out any details or rules about the seperation yet.
- She says she doesn't want to date other people. I think she is trying to figure things out.
She just says she doesn't fell like a married person should feel, like we are more friends.
I realized that over the past 7 months or so (the book also confirmed) we were in a 'low sex' marriage.
I think this is the main culprit although she denies it. We seemed to get complacent w/ each other and stopped doing it enough - in my opinion.
The thing is I am very attracted to her (and her me at least in the past) and we just didn't communicate.
She did agree to go to couples therapy so maybe we can get back to basics. Posted via Mobile Device
"to figure things out" is a bs to cover the true intent. We hear the same line over and over again when there is another person in the picture.
Other then her call/text logs anything out of the ordinary to make you a little suspicious? Working late, weekends? Talking about things she never did before? Going shopping for loooong time? Unaccounted time?
Also MC is no magic pill to fix anything/everything.
-I don't think there is someone else although all this would make more sense. Her mom (who she close with) even called and demanded she tell the truth and the answer was 'no'.
- We haven't worked out any details or rules about the seperation yet.
- She says she doesn't want to date other people. I think she is trying to figure things out.
She just says she doesn't fell like a married person should feel, like we are more friends.
I realized that over the past 7 months or so (the book also confirmed) we were in a 'low sex' marriage.
I think this is the main culprit although she denies it. We seemed to get complacent w/ each other and stopped doing it enough - in my opinion.
The thing is I am very attracted to her (and her me at least in the past) and we just didn't communicate.
She did agree to go to couples therapy so maybe we can get back to basics. Posted via Mobile Device
You are absolutely right that sex is an important way to create a powerful marital bond.
Exactly how is that going to work when you aren't even in the same building?
Of course, you cannot make her stay. But if I were you, I would set up some very hard and fast rules about what is permissible during separation. I would NOT permit dating in any shape or form just because you're physically separate. Working on "herself" means not entering into new relationships with members of the opposite sex. The same would go for you, of course.
You are absolutely right that sex is an important way to create a powerful marital bond.
Exactly how is that going to work when you aren't even in the same building?
Of course, you cannot make her stay. But if I were you, I would set up some very hard and fast rules about what is permissible during separation. I would NOT permit dating in any shape or form just because you're physically separate. Working on "herself" means not entering into new relationships with members of the opposite sex. The same would go for you, of course.
- Of course I question if she is cheating, who wouldn't. I just don't have the physical evidence. She is like a different person but I think that is her putting distance between us.
- I agree on setting up rules before the seperation but who will enforce them? Sooner or later we will both need laid, then what? This is tough stuff. Posted via Mobile Device
- Of course I question if she is cheating, who wouldn't. I just don't have the physical evidence. She is like a different person but I think that is her putting distance between us.
- I agree on setting up rules before the seperation but who will enforce them? Sooner or later we will both need laid, then what? This is tough stuff. Posted via Mobile Device
Is she on facebook a lot? Does she use the computer a lot? From what I recall, you check her phone bill and you don't see her texting or calling anyone disproportionately, right?
We have Verizon. Verizon lets you go in and analyze usage. I was able to find alternate numbers for my husband's affair partner because they were on his most called #'s list. These alternate numbers were called less than my numbers, but not as much as his affair partner's primary cell phone.
Just wondering if you see any odd patterns in the calling, even if you know all the numbers she's calling.
What some people have done is install a keylogger on their home computer. It records keystrokes. You would be able to see if she has a secret email account, etc.
Does she work outside the home? Is there anyone she's mentioned a lot at first and then stopped talking about? Do you have mutual male friends that she spends time with? Has she acted oddly around you and any men in your lives when you are both present?
Is she on facebook a lot? Does she use the computer a lot? From what I recall, you check her phone bill and you don't see her texting or calling anyone disproportionately, right?
We have Verizon. Verizon lets you go in and analyze usage. I was able to find alternate numbers for my husband's affair partner because they were on his most called #'s list. These alternate numbers were called less than my numbers, but not as much as his affair partner's primary cell phone.
Just wondering if you see any odd patterns in the calling, even if you know all the numbers she's calling.
What some people have done is install a keylogger on their home computer. It records keystrokes. You would be able to see if she has a secret email account, etc.
Does she work outside the home? Is there anyone she's mentioned a lot at first and then stopped talking about? Do you have mutual male friends that she spends time with? Has she acted oddly around you and any men in your lives when you are both present?
She actually deleted her Facebook a month or so ago. There was one # that was called a lot in December/jan but now I only occasionally see it. She works outside the home. It seems like in the past few months she feels the need to go out more. She said something like she doesn't want to sit around all the time. As far as mentioning other people she does not.
I know those are some signs but I still don't think anything is going on. Maybe there was an EA back in Dec/Jan that stopped, this is when she started acting a little different. Than again it could be the realization that major surgery was comming. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Never in love with you???? 
