Jacksonp

Well at least somebody does and I thank you for that. Sometimes I feel like I been hit by a train and made it through it.

bandit.45

Well remember that feeling....because I think it will be coming back to visit you again.

See...there I go again!

Jacksonp

Well, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger right

turnera

Also remember that women are like cats, men are like dogs. If a woman is spooked, it can take her a long time to feel safe again. Longer process, in other words. So if there's something that she's afraid will happen again, something about you she doesn't like, she's holding out on caring again to make sure it doesn't just resurface.

iheartlife

This is where you have to stop thinking about the future and worrying about whether or not she is going to stay. I know that sounds like a ridiculous thing to ask. But the truth is, she can step off a curb and get hit by a bus today.

Stop living in the future. LIVE FOR THE NEXT 15 MINUTES. Live for the next minute, but maybe that's asking too much. Concentrate on the NOW. Right NOW you are doing X, whatever X is, that you are supposed to be doing. Whether it's your job or it's taking out the garbage or eating your lunch. Pull your focus with all your might off of how your wife is reacting moment by moment and concentrate on the only thing in your control, which is living your best life.

Are you sitting on your butt too much--or do you exercise? Exercise is something that so many people suffering from bad marriages take up and discover is a godsend. It is good for you in every way and it passes the time. Again, while exercising you're not dwelling on the past or the future. You're concentrating on your breathing and your muscles and the sweat. This moment.

When you eat your food, take a bite and savor it. You will find that if you're eating pre-packaged or junk food that it actually doesn't taste that great.

And so on. Eating healthy, watching less tv, stop or reduce smoking--all of these things will make you feel better about yourself. As you take on a project in the house that you should have done long ago, pour your full mental energy into that project. Then sit back and let the boost of accomplishment lift you, and then go find another thing to do.

Self-pity, moping, lethargy, following someone around asking them what they're thinking right now--these are unattractive to the nth degree.

Have you read MMSL and NMMNG yet?

Also, sorry I can't recall from your thread--have you visited your doctor for a presciption for anti-depressants? They won't make you happy but they will give you your brain back so you can make solid choices.

allthegoodnamesaregone

I agree with Bandit. Sorry to say, but reading this same script over and over is depressing. Sure it's good to amp up and try and set things right, but to do it without verifying an EA or PA is going to make the fall that much harder. When they get this point they could lie to you face and you'd never know it. It's very. very, very seldom and Om is not involved in one way or another, please take the time to check this out BEFORE you move, after you do you wont' be able to.

Jacksonp

Thanks for the post iheartlife. This was very good information. Trust me I have tried living every 15 minutes instead of just wondering. It's very hard to do. I am getting there though. I'm seeing changes in my wife and the things she says don't feel as cold as couple weeks before. I'm doing alot of deep soul searching to figure where things when wrong. The nice thing is I see what alot of the problems were. The nice thing also I don't only see that it was only my fault we got this way. I do feel alot of guilt and sadness because my wife has been hurting all this time, I'm also upset that she didn't say anything about it also, but I understand why she didn't. She even said the other day she sees if she would of said something along time ago she believes this problem would have been fixed. That tells me she is seeing alot of my changes and is happy with them. You are so right about the 15 minute thing though because I see alot of changes in her also. She makes a point to tell me wheres she at and where she going to be. She use to stay up for like a hour after I went to bed, but now she goes to bed when I do and we hold each other for about 15 minute before we go to bed. She talks to me all the time about all kinds of stuff. She never did that before. Before when I talked about how I felt she never said anything unless I asked her to answer the question, now she is opening up and telling me more personal stuff. Now she says it's just going to take time. I'm just so concentrated on her telling me everything is going to be alright between us that I was missing these things. I have so many more emotions now. My sex drive is going through the roof and the sad thing it's a felling I really never had before. It not just a horny thing 5, 10 minutes and it over. It's very intense. I believe I am realizing that I'm not just saying I love her and truly do love her. I know that sound stupid but it's a feeling I never felt before. I was going to see a doctor, but I truly am feeling better now. I have my ups and downs, but more I see and hear things from my wife I'm feeling better and better.

Jacksonp

oh I don't know what these are Have you read MMSL and NMMNG yet?

I have now read the whole book of His Needs Her Needs. Damn that's a good book. I wish I would of read that 21 years ago. I think just the understand of what he said made me a better person.

turnera

Most women will NOT say anything. Why? A ton of reasons, upbringing, aspirations, male domination...tons of reasons. It's why most women leave a marriage once the kids are gone - their duty is done so they can now go find happiness.

Are you asking her about how she's felt all these years?

Jacksonp

turnera I understand what your saying and I truly believe that's what going on.

turnera

Yes, HNHN is amazing. You can do more with this book by printing out Harley's Love Buster's questionnaire and the two of you filling it out. Learn how you harm your wife and spend the next few months elliminating those bad habits. She can't love you until you do.

Jacksonp

Yes I have, but she doesn't say much except she has been just pushing her hurt feeling down and building her wall up. She said she just feels numb about our marriage.

Jacksonp

She's coming out of her shell now though like I said in my last post I'm feeling more and more at ease with us. It's struggle though there seems like there is so much that I don't know. After reading this book I should have already known this stuff. In alot of ways i feel stupid. but I'm getting smarter as each day passed.

allthegoodnamesaregone

With all due respect, women who do as you suggest tend to have borderline personality disorders. It comes up here over and over again that the wife has all of these issues and none of it her fault? It also never seems to be a big enough problem to mention these issues over 10-20-30 years, that is until there is another man in the picture. This argument does not hold water.

It's more than likely the wife is in the beginning stages of a MLC, and she's going to bounce back and forth before she finally runs. I wish the poster the best, but well know how this ends...

Jacksonp

I think my wife believe some of this is her fault she just don't want to admit it. She really has done so much for me in the years I really don't care if she admits anything though. Everyone has their issues and I believe when she really knows I'm serious about changing my life she will start looking at some of the issues she has. Like i said I don't care if she says anything at all about. I really don't want this to turn out to be a blame game, if it does I would take the heat so we can move past it. I told her my needs and feelings. It's up to her to decide if she wants to change herself or not. I'm going to really try to just live day by day and see what happens.