Jacksonp

Looking for a way to handle this.

I have been married 20 years. Which now I can see really wasn't a marriage. Just 2 people living together. I believe mainly because she hasn't shown me any affection unless I start something with her. She say's she's not an affectionate person. Through the years I just got use to it, but the last 2 years I haven't shown any to her because I feel I should always have to initiate it. Well 3 weeks ago she told me she needed a break from our marriage.

I still have been in the house looking for an apartment. Through the last 3 weeks I have try to change her mind, because I don't want this marriage to end because I still love her. She is a very awesome person and has taken care of me throughout this whole marriage.

At this time I have an apartment lined up, but I don't want to leave. Yesterday I spend the whole day writing a letter to her and had her read. At the end of the letter I told her to answer by say 1. If you want me to leave the house tell me this is the end of the marriage or 2. Give me another chance and he can try to worth through this.

She spent 3 hours crying in the bedroom and when she came out I asked her what she can up with and she said if I can't give her a break than I guess this is the end.

My heart broke right there I wasn't prepared for that answer. I asked her if you don't love me anymore why are you still wearing her wedding ring and she responded I didn't say I didn't love you I still care about you.

I'm very confused now. I don't understand why she needs me to leave the house to get her feelings in order. I can't see us getting back together if I leave. Should I just move on? After she say's well I guess it done should I believe that's what she wants or is it that she really wants to to work things out and I just need to leave for her to figure it out?

DailyGrind

Read my thread! I went through something very similar. Do you have kids? Why are YOU leaving the home, if SHE wants the break? Odds are ...there is someone else. Start snooping....and....stay where you are. Don't leave.

keko

DO NOT move out of the house.

When she is not around look through her phone/email/facebook for anyhting out of the ordinary.

Chances are, there is another man she gave her heart to maybe her body as well.

bandit.45

Why are you moving out? If she wants a break she should leave.

Sounds like she has found a replacement for you.
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Jacksonp

The reason I'm leaving is one she wants me too and two I don't want to be here if she isn't here.

I really don't think she is seeing anyone else, but who knows she could be I guess.

I just don't understand if you tell someone that if you leave the marriage is over and they just let you go. Why would anyone take the chance of that, if they believe there still could be a chance they don't want the relationship to end.

Lon

When someone wants a "break" from the marriage you have to realize its never so they can "find themselves" its so they can try out something that is way outside the bounds of matrimony.

Do NOT leave because "she" wants you to, move only if it is your better option, and if you have kids that live there, for most people keeping the family home as intact is possible is the better option.

DanF

1) She wants to take a "break" or end it, then she should be the one that is inconvenienced.
2) Almost every time that one person in a relationship needs a "break", it is to explore options with someone else. It the other partner doesn't work out, she will come back to with renewed feelings.

You need to do some snooping.

keko

Oh.. how nice of you to obey to your wife's commands.

What would you do after you leave you hear another man is in your house?

I suggest you start digging up ASAP what I advised earlier.

DailyGrind

My wife told me she thought she wanted a divorce. She told me she wanted "space." She told me she didn't see us together. She told me she didn't know if she loved me anymore. We spent two years nearly ignoring each other, except for the kids and financial things. I found out she was just starting an EA end of October. Thankfully, I caught it in time. It took 6 months of work...on both our parts...but...admittedly more on me...at least at first. She had harbored resentments toward me, for every little thing...for years. It took (I think) me FIGHTING for the marriage, for her to realize I truly DID love her. I told her, and showed her (I thought) every day that I loved her. BUT...I wasn't speaking her language (research love language). I wasn't giving her the ONE thing that, to her, showed my love.......I wasn't giving her enough quality time.

Point is....there may be damage. I WOULD require YOU to figure that out...and make changes. There probably IS someone else causing her to make a move, at this point. Find out WHO that is. STOP IT....work on yourself....make yourself a better person. And you know what you may get, in return?? Right now....I have a wife that is every bit as loving, and caring as I could ever possibly hope for. I make sure to speak her language every day. We just texted each other, earlier, how happy we both were....how we both feel more connected than we ever did. We feel so much more like partners, than ever. It CAN be done.

BUT...ask yourself.....do you want this marriage? If not.....do the 180...and get away. If so....find out who this other person is (I nearly guarantee there IS someone.) I Never, Never, Never, Never, NEVER thought my wife would start an EA with someone else (and you should see who this loser was.....ewwwww.) Find out.....expose....yes..she will get mad. But...I promise...if MY wife can get over that...so will yours. It may take a few months of patience....but....it COULD be worth it.....if you learn from this.

Let us know.....you will get good advice here. And TRUST me....I had to follow some advice from here that I NEVER thought would make a difference. Sometimes....you just have to listen...and act. There were a few pivotal points, when I got advice...i just thought couldn't be right. But....I figured...what do I have to lose....I followed it...and, thankfully...it worked out. I wish you luck.....it will get much harder, before it gets better. But..whatever your choices are....it WILL get better.

Halien

To be honest, I don't understand your logic. It seems like the one who wants to save the marriage should stay in the marriage and the marriage home. If she wants to leave the marriage ..... well ... notice the word "leave"? Why not tell her that you want the marriage, and if she wants out, SHE must find the way out. Legally, there is nothing requiring you to leave. Ethically and morally, there is also nothing requiring you to leave.

The point is that you are making it easy for her to divorce. Why enable it? It would be an entirely different scenario if you cling to the marriage, the home, and an expectation that you'll be working together on counselling. Don't enable behaviors that destroy this vision.

tacoma

Do not leave your home.

She wants a "break" then she can leave.

If I were you she`d not be welcome if/when she tried to return.

Are you aware that she`s most likely involved or wants to be involved with another man?

There`s no other reason for wanting a "break"

tacoma

Because they don`t believe you have the balls to end it.

You have to show her you do have the balls.

You have to refuse to leave, if she wants out she leaves.

You have to start investigating what she`s up to, who she`s with and what she`s doing when you`re not around.

There is a reason for her wanting a "break" but she isn`t going to tell you about it.
You have to find it or him.

Jacksonp

Thanks for all the advice. I believe your right I'm going stay here. If she really wants this marriage to end she will leave. Than I can pick up the pieces after that.

keko

Have you looked at her text/call logs yet? Email and facebook messages?

Jacksonp

No I don't even know to check text messages on a phone. I don't one a cell phone. She does though.