I just joined and this is my first post so I am sorry if it is in bad form to write such a lengthy post right out the gate. But I am feeling so sad and lonely, dejected, and rejected and I feel like I have no one to turn to.
I know my marriage should end but I can't seem to pull the trigger, so to speak. I have been married for 12 years (2 good years, 10 bad to pretty horrific years). We have two beautiful children (special needs).
I've been the sole bread winner for most of the 12 years with husband only having worked about 3 months during the entire marriage. Husband has been abusive physically (pushed and kicked me-once), verbally (throws the divorce word at me at least a couple of times per week) and now emotionally (tells me he hates me, he's disgusted by me, doesn't love me, haven't thought of me as his wife in over 10 years, he cringes when I go in for a kiss or a hug, gets up and leaves the room when I sit next to him, etc.). But lest you think that he is an evil monster, it isn't as if he is spewing this venom every minute of the day. In fact, he's quite cordial. He does so only when he's angry (which is often), when we fight (again, often) and only when pressed (for instance, when I ask him, "Don't you love me anymore?, to which he'll reply, to my dismay, his honest feelings). Also, let me tell you I've not been the perfect angel either. I've resented him not working and this probably manifested itself in my attitude towards him at times. He feels disrespected by me and my entire family. He hates my entire family and has told me so repeatedly. He also feels an unnatural protectiveness towards his parents and family. Every word I've ever said to them, every way I've ever acted around them, he's observed like a hawk and have concluded that I hate them and has forbidden me to ever contact them. He keeps me away from his family and makes me feel like I'm not a part of his "real" family.
Recently, it became even more imperative that he find a job, asap. I had to take a huge, and I mean huge, cut in salary. He told me to quit the children's therapies (which they desperately need) to save money so I guess, making the necessity of him working, not really a necessity. I refused and demanded that he get a job. Eight months later, he finally has found work, but it is hard work and in his eyes, demeaning work, at what amounts to less than minimum wage. But its something and I feel grateful to him. Now, he seems to resent me even more. He refuses to sleep with me, having taken over one of the kid's rooms as his own. I went in there tonight just because I've been feeling so lonely and he kicked me out. I get lulled into a sense that everything is ok because he is quite cordial towards me as he would be to any stranger on the street. It's only when I press him to be a husband, that I know where things really stand. I suppose he figures it's better to live with me than live on the streets but he refuses to be more than a roommate to me. I've asked him to come back to our room and he looked at me with a horrible scowl on his face and told me to leave him alone, he wants to stay where he is. I don't want a divorce. He wants one, but knows he can't support himself. But he refuses to get past the hurt and the anger. He has quite a black and white attitude about things. Once he's pegged you the enemy, I doubt anything will change his mind, and in his mind, I am the enemy. So, why do I keep trying? I want desperately to keep the family together for the kids, especially, as it will break their hearts if we were to divorce, but I'm also scared witless to be alone for the rest of my life, and I know I will be. I've never been the girl that had men hanging all over her, quite the opposite really. My husband has been my one and only. I actually envy women who are so sick of their husbands, they can't stand to be in the same room with them, quite like how my husband can't seem to be in the same room with me. Why can't I hate him? I wonder if anyone else out there reading this has ever felt like I did but then had an epiphany and finally got the courage and the desire to kick him out. I'm not really sure, what, if any advise anyone can offer me. It's therapeutic I suppose, in its own way, just to have an outlet like this to vent. But I would like to hear your opinions, if anyone is willing to give it. Again, I apologize for this lengthy mess.
Re: So sad-can't let go of bad marriage (sorry-long)
If you stop feeling so pathetic, you'll be surprised at the results. I know you don't feel you have the courage, and that is why your husband treats you so horribly bad. He needs to respect you. I'm not saying "needs" as something that must happen. I'm saying "he needs to respect you" as something he strongly desires to be able to do. You have way too many fears for just one soul, so you simply have to face them one at a time. You cannot effect change in your husband unless you change yourself.
You can begin with turning the tables on him. Tell him you want a divorce. Yell it in his face during an argument like he does to you. Tell him you are sick of him. Treat him like he treats you. Not everything, just some things. You know he doesn't want a divorce. You know you don't either. The point is to use that D word against him to put fear in him, which is the same affect it has on you. That's all that will happen. You won't believe the results. Those cordial days will come more often. Not only that, he will become not just cordial but affectionate, and then he will become down right loving. What you accomplish is earning his respect. You already know he fears losing you and certainly doesn't want you to make him leave. So, use the circumstances to your advantage just like he does.
This will be easy to do once you replace your own feelings of worthlessness with the knowledge that he knows he is worthless. He knows it just as well as you know he is worthless. He just has sense enough not to display it and feel pathetic about it. He knows how to make you love him and continue to support him. You let him know by your reactions to his meaness. Once you showed him that his unkindness made you love him and made you fear losing him, then he has played that card with expertise all these years. You are the one who caused his ill treatment by feeling pathetic and worthless and letting him know he means more to you than you mean to yourself.
Please go and get counseling. Anyone who feels and thinks so poorly of themselves needs to understand why. Anyone who is so perfectly willing to put up with this kind of treatment needs to understand why. Anyone who sees themselves as hopeless and worthless needs to understand why. Understanding will help you to do something about your miserable situation. Understanding will help you to finally become fed up. Understanding will make you realize that something is NOT better than nothing.
Re: So sad-can't let go of bad marriage (sorry-long)
First off, you should never minimize the violence, nor the anger behind it. Even the hateful words over and over can be considered a form of emotional abuse. Once all of those signs are there, never ignore them.. I should really be the one to talk here yea right! Im still sitting here waiting for the day I wake up with my balls screwed on tightly enough to make that leap, unfortunately with the most recent physical episode of mine that moment is scarily close for me. But Ive been where your at for a lot of years. We've been married 12 also. Outside of his angry times and blowups hes also loving, a great father blah blah. For years Ive let the excuse of these good things cloud over the bad and not want to truly leave and give up. But every hateful word and every time something is slammed theres a pit in your stomach you just cant get gone til the moments over and your just relieved its ok again. And you somehow reassure yourself 'see everything will be ok, its workable" but it eats away at you and you dont even realize it. If you ever get close enough to want to finally leave, dont ever think the kids cant get through it ok,. . Theyll be hurt some and confused at first, thats not really preventable, but children are sooo much more resilient than we are. Most recent of my episodes I put a RO on husband and he couldnt come home for 2 weeks. Even in that short amount of time they missed him of course, but keeping communication open with them, they were doing quite well actually. More damage can be done with them in an unhealthy setting at home with the both of you and all this animosity floating around. Try every other tactic you can first to see if things can be made better, if not please dont be too afraid to do what you need to do for yourself and the kids. At least youll always be able to walk away knowing you did everything you could, and so it certainly wasnt your fault. Im finally being able to find some peace with that and allowing it to give me some much needed strength.