I need some solid advice about my situation. I’m a 30-year-old man and I’ve been married to my wife for about 2years. We’ve know each other for about 6 years. Our relationship has grown extremely cold and completely sex-less(we’ve had sex once since our wedding) and I’m not sure what to do anymore. I am so unhappy with our situation that I’m starting to think about taking impulsive measures that I know are not going to end well. I believe I’m ready for separation or divorce and don’t have a clue how to do it.
I don’t want to be just another spouse complaining about the other spouse, but outlining some of these things will help get a better understanding of my un-happiness:
1. My wife will not visit my parents with me. She believes that my parents are unaccepting of her and she finds them deceiving. My parents care deeply about my wife, and besides being a little bit tacky and sometimes foolish things come out of their mouth, they are not malicious. She stopped all contact with her own mother and I feel that she has some real deep-seated issues with trust.
2. She hates all my friends and vocalizes that they are all “white trash pieces of you know what” . When I get defensive and explain to her that this will not be tolerated, she agrees and maybe a month or two pass and it comes back again. I agree that some of my long-time friends could be considered immature at times, but i find it deeply disrespectful of her to say these things.
3. We don’t go out together anymore. Sometimes I go to social gatherings with our friends by myself. No date night either. I’ve tried to get across to her that I find her special and that I want to treat her for a nice night out, but my request usually ends up receiving a “no, I can’t eat there” response. She is a disciplined vegetarian which makes it very convenient to reject a restaurant. As you may have guessed, I have had to change my eating habits entering this relationship (not a bad thing, just frustrating sometimes).
4. No Sex. She is sexually prudent, and has 0 libido. The one time we did engage(post marriage), I feel like it was charity towards me. Every attempt is met with an “I’m tired” or “you should try being nice to me”. This has gone on for years now and I just can’t deal with it. Her poor self-image has totally consumed her to a point where she always makes comments about how “I’m fat”, or “I wish I could just stop eating and be skinny again”. She is skinny and I don’t know why she gets so hard on herself.
5. She refuses ANY counseling. I’m a pretty open man about my feelings and would like to have a professional evaluate our problems. After repeated, repeated, & repeated requests, I give up. She just won’t do it. She is very stubborn about it and it really hurts me because I truly believe she has clinical depression and she needs to deal with it and she could benefit from therapy. “I should just kill myself” is an awful thing I hear come out of her mouth way too many times.
6. My wife doesn’t trust me. I’ve never cheated her(emotionally or otherwise). She always needs to see that wedding ring on my finger which I will not wear at work because of safety rules at work.
With everything going on relationship-wise, how does one tell the other that this will not work without making a threat? I feel that however I choose to phrase my concerns, it always comes out as a threat and we get into constant arguments about how “threatening” I am in approaching her.
I’m so frustrated that I truly feel that we are two people that shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, and I’d be surprised if she felt differently sometimes. I’m still young at heart and I don’t know why I should try at this point. I don’t see the sense in ‘hanging on’ until things improve and several people whom I trust have been direct and said that I “need to get out sooner than later”.
I still love her and genuinely care about her so it makes it that much harder to pull the trigger, But...I feel that we are broken and can't be fixed.
There's nothing wrong with making 'threats' at this point. But you have to go through with them or she'll continue to treat you like a doormat. Man up!
She won't go to therapy, so what can you do? You can have a long talk with her (hopefully she'll listen) and you can lay down YOUR boundaries and needs. If she doesn't want to honor them, then you know how she feels about you.
Was she like this before marriage? She sounds awful.
You don't want to hear ths, but you can't change someone who doesn't want to change.
I suggest you do divorce her. She isn't putting any passion or effort into the marriage or you, but she demands your loyalty, you adapting to her, and you swapping out you social support net.
She's asking for everything, and giving nothing in return.
You teo sound completely incompatible in interests,desire,passion.
Let her live her life as a stressed control freak, you need to embrace and enjoy life.
Since there are no kids,divorce is simple division of debts and assets. Posted via Mobile Device
Did she bad mouth your family and friends before you married her?
Your wife sounds like she has control issues. She is also emotionally abusive of you... withhold sex for 2 years, especially early in a marriage is emotional abuse.
Abusers seek to cut their spouse off from all friends and family. It's a lot easier for them to control and abuse someone who has no support system.
You can not change your wife. She chooses to not change herself.
There really is nothing to save here. You don't really seem to have a marriage. You are young. My advice is to move on.
You said that you do not know how to get a divorce... do you mean that you don't know how to start it legally? Or do you mean how to tell her that you want a divorce?
I think the Nr 1 thing for you to do is be ok with threatening and demonstrate it. If she accuses you of threatening say something like "Yeah, I'm threatening, that's true. I care deeply about you, but there's only so much I'm willing to take."
Things might change then. And if not, I understand from your post that it would not be the end of the world.
Thanks so much for the comments. It is very hard for me to talk to anybody about this due to the high shame factor. Ironically, taking advice of strangers really helps me think about this constructively.
I really want to know how to (logistically) accomplish the initial break. Do I tell her I'm getting a divorce and leave our house for an apartment that I'll need to secure since I really don't want to go to a friend/family's house? Or do I give her one last ultimatum? Maybe if someone has an experience with this whole "there's something I need to talk to you about" conversation, it might help. To make an analogy, it will be like nuclear war, drop the bomb and get out of the danger zone because it won't be a safe place for humans.
The situation is tricky since we share a house (all in her name) and she will be losing her job in the next 6 months(severance package included) and I feel like I'd be planting a seed to a very bad situation for her and her family. It's hard to just disconnect that kind of guilt because I get along with her dad quite well.
Regarding some of the comments...
Yes, once upon a time we had an enjoyable sex life that was full of passion, but it all changed 6 months b4 marriage. And no, she isn't getting satisfied by anyone else. Trust me. Apparently, our sex life is dry for the most part because of my inability to "comfort" her when she's upset. I can be very comforting, but for someone as sensitive as her, apparently I don't do it well enough. Most men statistically speaking could be better "comforters" i presume, but for those of us who try and still fail...what can I do? This isn't something I can just "man up" and fix.
I think the Nr 1 thing for you to do is be ok with threatening and demonstrate it. If she accuses you of threatening say something like "Yeah, I'm threatening, that's true. I care deeply about you, but there's only so much I'm willing to take."
Things might change then. And if not, I understand from your post that it would not be the end of the world.
My answer would be that no I'm not threatening. I'm promissing that if x does not happen I will do y.
Thanks so much for the comments. It is very hard for me to talk to anybody about this due to the high shame factor. Ironically, taking advice of strangers really helps me think about this constructively.
I can understand you feeling the ‘shame factor’. This is what often keeps those who are abused from seeking support from friends and family. Based on what you have said, you are not at fault what is going on in your marriage. Your wife is emotionally abusive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kick_in_the_pants
I really want to know how to (logistically) accomplish the initial break. Do I tell her I'm getting a divorce and leave our house for an apartment that I'll need to secure since I really don't want to go to a friend/family's house? Or do I give her one last ultimatum? Maybe if someone has an experience with this whole "there's something I need to talk to you about" conversation, it might help. To make an analogy, it will be like nuclear war, drop the bomb and get out of the danger zone because it won't be a safe place for humans.
Ultimatums can help but to be honest I don’t see it working here. Don’t know if I should say this as I am generally very pro-marriage. But it seems your issues with the very core of who your wife is.
So you have two choices:
1) If you want to try an ultimatum than I suggest that you write a letter to her. The reason for a letter is so that you have a chance to say exactly what you want to say. Then after she reads it the two of you can talk about it if she will do that. In the letter I would tell her what you need. And then after you list what you need, list why you need it. If you want some help with the letter I’m sure that folks here would help you out with some of the wording.
OR
2) Take a week or so to get things in order for divorce, then set it in motion.
a. Interview some divorce attorneys. There are many who will give a free half to one hour consolation. You can learn a lot about your rights, the laws, etc. And you just might find one you like.
b. Research divorce laws in your state. There’s a lot of info on the internet. If you do not mind sharing, what state do you live in? Some states like CA and NM have very good online self-help centers. Some states have long waiting periods.. like 6 months to a year before a divorce can be final.
In NM if both parties agree the divorce can be filed one day and final the next
I live in NM. My divorce this last March cost me $134 because I used the online self-help and because my exh agreed to sign the papers I drew up. It was filed & final in 24 hours because we both agreed and signed it up front. A divorce attorney would have cost me at least $2500 and could have gone into the tens of thousands.
c. If you have joint bank accounts, open accounts in your own name. Then on the day you tell her that you are leaving.. before you tell her, move half of all money in the accounts into the account in your own name. If you have joint credit cards, try to get them shut down, or her taken off them if at all possible. Separate as much financially from her as you can on one fell swoop.
d. You could stay in your home and do an in-house separation until the divorce is final. Since you are married you have as much right to be in the family home as she does. Or if you think this will be too hard, you can leave and move into an apartment.
e. You can either tell her in person that you are leaving/divorcing her. Or if you think she will not react well you can must move out while she’s not at home and have her served divorce papers that day. This all depends on what you think is the right thing to do. Usually the right thing to do is to tell a person beforehand. But if there is any chance at all that she will flip out, get violent, etc.. move out and have her served.
Note that if #1 does not work.. you will most likely be doing #2 at some point in the future.
One thing to consider is that although the house is in your wife’s name, depending on when it was purchased, the source of the down payment you could have financial interest in the house. In many states, you would have the right to 50% of the equity the house has accumulated in the time you have been married.
By the way, do not tell your wife about this site. She will most likely use this against you. And it sounds like you really need some support.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kick_in_the_pants
The situation is tricky since we share a house (all in her name) and she will be losing her job in the next 6 months(severance package included) and I feel like I'd be planting a seed to a very bad situation for her and her family. It's hard to just disconnect that kind of guilt because I get along with her dad quite well.
Why would your divorce cause problems for her family? Do you support her family? In life you have to take care of yourself first. What good are you to people if you are not doing well?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kick_in_the_pants
Regarding some of the comments...
Yes, once upon a time we had an enjoyable sex life that was full of passion, but it all changed 6 months b4 marriage. And no, she isn't getting satisfied by anyone else. Trust me. Apparently, our sex life is dry for the most part because of my inability to "comfort" her when she's upset. I can be very comforting, but for someone as sensitive as her, apparently I don't do it well enough. Most men statistically speaking could be better "comforters" i presume, but for those of us who try and still fail...what can I do? This isn't something I can just "man up" and fix.
So has she told you what you have to do to “comfort” her properly? Or are you supposed to guess how to do this?
The situation is tricky since we share a house (all in her name) and she will be losing her job in the next 6 months(severance package included) and I feel like I'd be planting a seed to a very bad situation for her and her family. It's hard to just disconnect that kind of guilt because I get along with her dad quite well.
Apparently, our sex life is dry for the most part because of my inability to "comfort" her when she's upset. I can be very comforting, but for someone as sensitive as her, apparently I don't do it well enough. Most men statistically speaking could be better "comforters" i presume, but for those of us who try and still fail...what can I do? This isn't something I can just "man up" and fix.
Most guys beat themselves up for being unable to comfort their woman when she's upset. Don't get too fussed out about it. The problem lies in the effort to comfort her in first place.
Marriage is a game of love (hopefully), but it is also a game of power. Reading your post, I assume, you tried everything to make her feel comfortable, which usually gives the wife a lot of attention. This often has an unwanted effect as many women feel comfortable with the attention they get in those situations and over time get hooked on feeling upset. It is spiraling and, I believe, to some extend probably symbolic for your marriage (and not uncommon). By that you hand her a lot of power over on a silver platter.
The secret is (IMO and Experience) not to comfort her, but to be the "Rock in the Storm" who is there for her. But this also includes to turn away when she gets unreasonable or occasionally to "top" her. It is an absolute must, when she is in a bad mood, to not take it over, but to be unaffected by it. It will creep her out and make her feel unloved for a moment, but eventually she will be happier about it. This is certainly counter-intuitive and I'm sure many will argue with me on that. But it works wonders for me. Usually when she is upset, she feels my power over it and regains trust in herself and whatever situation it is. It requires much more of an emotionally charged approach than a logic one.
EG has a lot of great advice in her post in case you want to go through with divorce. Definitely sort out your financials. But I recommend doing that anyway, no matter if divorce or not. You've got to have control over your resources (if that's not the case now).
I do somehow sense, however, that this might not be your desired solution.
I'm never to fond of too much talking in bad situations as it usually leads to worse. This has to do with the different "languages" men and women speak. I don't see the solution there. It's in demonstrating. Telling her that you're gonna move out has very little effect (until it might be too late). However, showing her that you don't give a rat's poop anymore about what she says or does will give her that vibe, which is much more effective. Standing firm and consistency is key, particularly in your situation.
5Likes
How do I handle this? 
