lohink

Let me start by introducing myself...
My name is Lora and I am 32 years old. I have an 11yr old daughter and 2 stepsons 11yr and 15yr old. I have been very happily married for nearly 10 yrs now. After having been married for a year my husband legally adopted my daughter making her officially...ours! After nearly 6 years of marriage my husband was granted full physical custody of his 2 boys. (I don't have the time or space to get into details about the boys mother but just knowing that the court system took them away from her should be enough!) If you knew me personally and saw that I was posting a thread in a forum titled "considering divorce or seperation" you would think I had fallen off the deep end. Perhaps, I have...
My husband is my soul mate, there has never been any doubt in my mind about that. I am just running empty on the fuel I need to make this family blend...and blend well. There seems to be a constant struggle between the three kids, mostly between my 11yr old daughter and 11yr old step son, there are only 4 months between them. The most recent (and in my mind worst) thing was an incident where the boys locked my daughter out of my house (while she had the dog out) and they went to school and left her behind. It was cold, wet and raining...she ended up going to my mom's house (who only lives a few blocks away) but she was completely heart broken and couldn't believe that her "brothers" would betray her in such a way. (Let me remind you the oldest one IS 15!)
What has me the most stressed however, is the constant lack of disrespect and the rage that is shown to me by the 11yr old step son anytime I want him to do something. A perfect example of this would be just this morning. I told him and his sister that today would be room cleaning day. He stayed downstairs and we watched Remember the Titans together, I told him that once this movie was over he could go start. He said ok. The movie ended and he immediatley went upstairs. I was shocked and a little bit excited, I didn't have to remind him he just did what he was supposed to on his own. About 5 minutes later he returned and asked if he could play Wii. I said, no you are supposed to be cleaning your room. Hell broke loose! Yelling and screaming, kicking, throwing things, telling me "no, no, no, no..." I told him not to tell me no... I got another round of "no, no, nos" so I smacked his butt with my slipper. He kicked his bedroom door (broke it) and began his every popular tirade of get out, get out, don't touch me, leave me alone, I hate you, I am going to live with my mother, why did you do that, I didn't do anything wrong,etc.

I can't take another day of this...not another minute or even second! I don't know what to do...
I want peace and quiet. Some sort of normalcy in my life. I am very afraid that my life is going to get more complicated before it gets less...

I would be most appreciative of any "coping advise" anyone could give me. Just any advise would be greatly appreciated...

TIME

First of all, where is your husband in all of this? Is he with you or is he ignoring the problem?

Second, it sounds like some therapy/counseling is in order for the kids. Losing their mother (no matter how "bad" she is) will have made a huge impact on them emotionally and mentally. If they are not able to work through this loss and be introduced to your value in their lives, it will not get better.

If you have been happily married to your soulmate, I don't think separation or divorce is the path to take at all. If the kids do not get the help that they need, it will begin to wear on your marriage.

Yours sounds like a situation with doable solutions. Seek out children's counseling and therapy, or the "happily married" part may start to crumble.

Aimless

I can't imagine why you would want to get seperated from your soul mate. The problem is the kids, not the marriage.

Please, get counseling for the kids. There is no place for "rage" in any home.