firefairy

I have been together with my husband for almost 10yrs, married for almost 4yrs. I could coexist with him forever for the sake of his feelings and our childrens.. but is that what I really want?
It seems that we have both changed so much over the years that we don't reconize each other anymore. My husband use to be so laid back, easy going, fun loving guy. I use to be wild, crazy, yet sweet and compassionate. He is now miserable, depressed, and worries all the time. I am too reserved, responsible, afraid to cut lose, yet still sweet.
We had so many problems in our early years. We were young and crazy. I had a daughter aready (had her as a teen) then we decided to move in together and have a child together. I went into full blown mommy mode. I changed almost everything about me. I made so many mistakes with my oldest daughter that I just wanted to make things right and be the best mommy i could be to the both of my girls. My husband struggled with drinking. I left him many times before he got it under control and I agreed to married him. He loves me, he would do anything for me.. yet he changed so much to try to make me happy that he completely lost himself. Now in our older years where I am ready to move on and just enjoy life and not worry.. not live in fear.. and just do the best we can.. he still lives in constant fear that I will leave him. (I have not left him in over 5 yrs.. I only agreed to marry him once I was sure things were better and that we could make it work)
It's so hard because our probems our small.. but yet they feel so big. (Main problem.. he has a really hard time dealing with the oldest.. a mouthy teenager.. that thinks the world revolves around her and he lets it make him miserable for days) Ive gotten to the point that I just don't want to hear him talk about all the wrong in our lives anymore.. I just want to be happy.. I want to enjoy what we have.. I don't want to constantly talk about things that drag us down. I don't want to hear him ***** about the kids anymore!! I started avoiding him. or just agreeing with him so he shuts up. I started asking myself.. i got one life.. is this the marriage i want for myself?? Is this my happily ever after i dreamed about grwoing up? I love this man.. I know he loves me.. I just can't stnd being around him anymore.. and he sees it, and it makes him more depressed and needy. Do i even need to mention that I don't want sex really at all and haven't for years.
Last, he has never been someone that pampers me on hoildays or suprises me with romance. I always wanted that. I thought i was ok without it.. but it still bugs me. We don't share the same ideas. His idea of a happily ever after ending is a shack in the woods.. where i prefer a nice home in the suburbs. I want to foster puppies.. he wants to go camping (i'm not a camping person)
Can we fix this? Is there a way to work this out?? Or should I walk away? Advice please?

luckycardinal

It sounds like you have really grown apart and that you may not have been that compatible to begin with. But, you say that you love him...so there is obviously something there worth saving. I think that most (if not all) couples go through phases where they really could take or leave each other and don't feel attracted to each other at all. Have you considered going to counseling with him? How about telling him how you feel and that you'd like him to try to be more romantic. Maybe he's open to that. I'm not trying to minimize your problems but you did say you love him and know he loves you. I would not just walk away from this relationship, I'd stay and try to work on it with the help of a counselor.

firefairy

Thank you for your response! I did think about counseling.. I am open to trying it, but my husband is very close minded when it comes to that. He thinks it's all a bs.
I agree with you that we may never have been compatibale to begin with. It was always opposites attract with us. It worked when we were young and inlove but it's become harder and harder to have nothing in common as we are getting older. We don't share the same dreams and goals. I think our marriage is worth trying to save as well. It's just so hard to find the time to devote to finding common interest so that we have things to talk about that don't completely bore the other person. I think it's time that we take a step back and go back to the basics and try to get to know each other all over again.. with that.. maybe we will see if it's worth trying to fix or not?!?

Trickster

My wife and I have been married for 12 years now, together for 20. We have also grown apart. Sometrimes I don't want to be in the same room with her. I sleep in the spare room a lot. I read about 6 books on marriage, which I have out on my night stand. Shew never asks me why I am reading them.

Like you, we have zero common interest, other than our daughter, which seems to be the only thing we talk about.



I am lost too. Noi chemistry, no real love anymore. We don't even say "I Love You" anymore. Maybe we are both too bullheaded to say it first. Maybe we just don't feel it anymore and we just don't want to say it.

papa5280

Firefairy, Much of what you wrote could have been written by my STBXW. Your feelings are valid, but my one plea for you would be to please, please, have a frank and honest discussion with your H about this. Give yourselves a chance to reboot. There was something about your H that made you want to marry him to begin with. Give yourselves a chance to rediscover that spark; to reinvent yourselves together, before deciding that the only solution is to reinvent yourselves apart.

If my STBXW had done that, we might have ended up in the same spot we're in today, but maybe we wouldn't have. Either way, it would have been far less destructive to our kids.

firefairy

AlreadyGone - I hope that isn't our future. I am one that strongly believes in "In only have one chance at life and I need to be strong enough to make the necessary changes in order to live it to the fullest"
I hope that you are able to find happiness..whether it is with your wife or without!!

Papa5280 - I agree with you. I do try to talk to my husband. I try to be honest with him. The problem with that is; he plays the blame game, whether it is flipping things around on me or it's him trying to take all the blame and feeling bad about himself then. Nothing ever seems to resolve. Each hoilday i try to pretend it doesn't matter that he thinks it's just another day.. and each hoilday he sees that, questions it.. and I tell him.. and he promise to try harder but never does. I think alot of his issues are that he is not happy with the person that he has become because he has tried to change so much for me. I never wanted him to become a shell of the person he was. I may not have always liked the things he did or said but it never meant that he needed to change everything about him! He is very close minded to counseling.

papa5280

Firefairy - have you ever told him, "I'm trying to decide if I want to stay married to you? Whether it's my fault or yours doesn't matter. Something will change."

I know that would have gotten my attention. If you've been that blunt and he isn't willing to drop the defensiveness, then a gal has to do what a gal has to do. But, if you haven't been that blunt yet, I'd suggest that you try it.