i packed up two containers of my stuff just now...

cory275 · 05-22-2012, 04:01 PM

my hubs and i have been married 2 years this sunday.

he is from pakistan and i am white american. a little over 2 years ago i found out his parents had arranged for him a wife. he went so far as to go back to pakistan for a "family trip" as he called it to participate in the engagement ceremony (mendhi). the engagment has since been broken off, but his parents still dont know about our marriage.

we had a court marriage where my mom and best friend were there, and no one from his side or any of his friends were there or even knew he was getting married to me.

before we married he agreed to be married to me for 2 years before i could change my name or he told his parents. i also agreed. it didnt sound that long at the time. so the 2 years is almost over. our anniversary is sunday.

i have been packing and cleaning all day for our anniversary trip to new orleans/biloxi... but i have also been packing boxes of my stuff. we are coming home next monday (memorial day), so by the end of our trip he parents should be in the know.

who knew my life would be so climactic? in five days i find out if my marriage is over or not.

the tuesday after memorial day i am also off of work. i have been visalizing myself taking all the pictures off the wall that i want to keep off the walls... packing my car and i've even picked a $39 a night flea bag hotel that i will stay in until i can find an apartment. i have made an "in case i have to leave my husband" list of things i need to do... take my name off ga power bill, att, change my phone number.

i have honestly done everything in my power to tell my husband that he doesnt get 2 years and 2 days to tell his family. its 2 years or its over. i'm really not expecting him to tell them on our vacation. it's just going to ruin it. it's going to be very tramatic for him, and i cant picture him willingly ruining the vacation.

i dunno what's gonna happen. these next 5 days are gonna be so stressfull... but i guess i should just suck it up and enjoy the (potentially) last vacation i will have with my husband.

wish me luck, yall..

lamaga · 05-22-2012, 04:10 PM

I do wish you luck, and I am proud of you for taking your life into your own hands, rather than just sitting around and waiting for him to do the right thing. I will be thinking of you!

rks1 · 05-24-2012, 04:01 PM

Hi Cory, I have read some of your threads, and I am also glad to know you are taking some control into your own hands. I'd like to offer you a perspective, if I may.

I am an American (of Indian ethnicity) with an Indian husband (Hindu), and my husband told his family about me shortly before our engagement. (His brother knew about me from the beginning since we got involved, but his parents got to know about me during our relationship as I came to stay with them for a short time.) I happen to be 3.5 years older than my husband, and I am significantly overweight (whereas my husband is slim/fit). However, my husband's family has welcomed me into their family with open arms, as I am loved by everyone there including his cousins, and they are always thrilled when I come to visit them. (I should say, however, that before our engagement, his out-spoken uncle did tell me to lose weight, and even occasionally calls me 'Moti' (fatty) though he says so with affection, as he really likes me.) My husband is very proud of me, and loves to introduce me to his friends, students who he teaches, co-workers, supervisor etc. He's never been embarrassed of me, which is hard for me to understand... as I am the one who feels embarrassed for him to have to introduce his fat wife to everyone. I have shared these feelings with my husband, but he doesn't think too much about this, as he simply says that I have the prettiest face of any girl in his city. Yet my husband's love has only made me stronger, as I plan to go back to India in December for his brother's wedding and I am working hard to get in shape as I want to look good standing next to my husband.

What I'm trying to get at, is that your husband should be proud of you for being his wife. He doesn't need to hide you from his family and everybody important to him. So what if you are white, or heavy? Yes, these issues may create a stir, but everyone will get over it eventually. I am friends with another couple where the guy is from India and his wife (who was my original friend) is white. She is 3.5 years older than her husband also, and she even has a 10-year old child from her previous marriage. When the guy's parents found out that he had just gotten married to a white woman with a previous child, they flipped out, and his dad didn't talk to him for months (though his mom was okay in a few weeks time and started wanting to know more about his wife). It's very much possible that your husband's parents will flip out once they come to know about you and may not speak to him for months, but your husband has to man-up and be ready to deal with that... as he was the one who made the choice not to tell them about your from the beginning. I would think his parents would be far more angry to know he was in a committed relationship with you (married?) at the time he went there to get engaged to someone else. That's just devious and I wouldn't tolerate that in my relationship.

I am glad to know you are finally ready to put your foot down. I would have done it a LONG time ago, but better now than never. I just wanted to share my own story with you, so you can see that not all guys from India/Pakistan are like this, and that you deserve better. Don't let any insecurities about being of a different skin-color or weight issues or whatever make you think you deserve sub-par treatment, or that you should put up with poor behavior. You should not. I truly hope your husband will finally take a stand for you... but if he does not, then I think you know what you need to do. Best wishes.

lamaga · 05-24-2012, 04:04 PM

Brava, RKS1! Brava!

cory275 · 05-24-2012, 06:56 PM

thanks for your insight RKS1!

congratulations on your lovely marriage, and best of luck with slimming down! your hubs sounds like a true gentleman and i'm sure he loves you dearly. i'm im happy your in-laws like you as well!

i loved everything about your post. my husband should be proud of me.. before he graduated when we were dating he called me his girlfriend to a few of his teachers and to his school's president, and i got hugs and kisses from them. and my hubs has a driving job and i've been to work with him a few times and he's introduced me as his wife once or twice. but as soon as he's in brown world (friends and family) and he starts speaking in Urdu i suddenly become "friend" or most awfully "roommate". it's impossible for me to understand everything that's going on in his head. maybe he just thinks i dont know enough hindi/urdu to know what he's saying.. but unfortunately i do. it hurts...it sucks.

i guess a positive update is i'm looking at the gulf of mexico right now with a sail boat drifting slowly past me. my husband is downstairs giving all his "play money" to the casino. so far we've had a lovely time... had a very nice love session last night. if this is the last weekend with my hubs.. hopefully it's going to be a nice last memory.

thanks for the support, ladies! i hop yall are having an awesome holiday weekend!

rks1 · 05-25-2012, 11:43 PM

Thanks for your kind words, Cory! Yes, my husband is a very decent guy.

I'm hoping for the best for you, that your husband realizes what he has before it's too late. Keep us updated!

cory275 · 05-27-2012, 10:58 PM

thanks for the continued support. our anniversary was today. it wasnt all that special. in the morning i sat in the car and fell asleep while he was playing in the casino. he had the parking pass and was getting a little out of control, but quickly apologized after i got PO'd from sitting in the jeep for 4 hours!

other than that he's been sweet. we cuddled and watched a movie in our beach side hotel before dinner.

there's been no discussion about all the family drama. at all. i really dont want to ruin the vacation.. its actually one of our best (excluding a little argument we had about all the strippers on bourbon street)...

he didnt even have the balls to talk to me about it tho.. much less talk to his family about me. its going to be a looooong drive home tomrrow. and an even longer day on tuesday of packing up my sheit and getting the hell outta there.

i really dont have many friends, so thanks you guys for listening. your support has been really helpful.

EleGirl · 05-27-2012, 11:21 PM

Cory,

I am so sorry that things have gone this way for you.

Does is have any idea that you are gettng ready to leave if he does not tell his family?

I'm wondering if he wil break down and finally tell them if he realizes that he is really going to lose you over this.

cory275 · 05-27-2012, 11:40 PM

there have been several occasions when i've told him how much the situation hurts me. i did tell him i would leave him about 9 months ago when he called me his roommate when his friend drunkenly stumbled into my bedroom... my exact words were, "if you break that promise to me about telling your friends and family i'm going to do everything can to get away from you and make sure you never find me. i'm not going to tell you.. i'll just be gone. it's not a joke to me"

jump to about 2 weeks ago.. he was out with his friends and i drunk texted him like he was my bestfriend and i said, "girl, he doesnt get 2 years and 2 days.. it's 2 years or im gone.. i hope i havent wasted 4 years of my life"... he was pissed obviously that i said that "waste my life" thing, but i apologized and he got over it.

so i think on some level he knows. i dont know that he thinks i'd actually do it or that i'm gonna do it the day after we get back from vacation.. but he knows its in my head for sure.

i'd say without a doubt i have made my intentions and expectations very clear. it's been a deal breaker for me. i've had a 2 year countdown in my head constantly going.

i'm mad, sad, dissapointed, embarassed, annoyed that i have to start over.. i know he's gonna chase me. it's gonna be so hard to stay away from him. otherwise we have a great marriage.. i'm leaving my lover and my best friend. sucks.

eowyn · 05-28-2012, 03:51 PM

OP, Are you planning to leave without telling him or are you planning to have a final (direct) talk with him once you get back home.. before you decide to leave? Either ways, Good luck to you! Hopefully your H mans up and you don't need to leave!

lamaga · 05-28-2012, 04:08 PM

Cory, just letting you know that I'm thinking about you today and wondering how you are...

cory275 · 05-29-2012, 12:20 AM

my mom is a family law lawyer and i spoke with her this morning about actions i need to take to protect myself. she and my bff both want me to talk to my husband before i leave. i really dont want to. it just aches having to deal with this. cant i just have a normal life? ugh..

anyway.. lets see how the night goes. he's helping a friend right now with his business in the other room.

he made a phone call to his sister on the way home, but his phone died in the middle of it. but nothing was about me. that was kind of a slap in the face. we didnt really speak much on the rest of the 3hr ride home. i'm really lucky in a lot of ways.. but i really hate my life sometimes.

but thanks for the support, guys

rks1 · 05-29-2012, 01:17 AM

Well, it's night for you, but morning in Pakistan. So this seems like a good time to make that call, before you guys go to bed. Otherwise, first thing in the morning tomorrow is the other option, as it would be evening for them. If he isn't going to make that call tonight or tomorrow, then I think he just isn't planning to do it at this point. Maybe give him until tomorrow (Tuesday) morning, else get your stuff. Give him one last talk to wish him farewell if you think it's best to do so, but don't let him change your mind. I would just hate for him to convince you to stick around another 6-8 months without being known to his family as his wife. You've waited long enough, and need to move forwards with your life... either with him as your husband (as his family being aware of it all), or without him if he doesn't want to stand up for you. If you think he would convince you to stay in the marriage (without telling his parents about you and continuing to leave your life in limbo), then it might be best for you to just leave when he is out. You might get more courage to speak to him once you have physically left the space, and have your family nearby. These are just suggestions, but ultimately, it's your call to decide.

I was thinking about you today, and am sorry that things haven't worked out in your favor. Best wishes for tomorrow, as it will be quite a long day for you.

hidingaway · 05-30-2012, 08:28 AM

well things didnt go as planned... we borrowed a friends car for our trip and he didnt return the car until last night... so i couldnt leave yesterday like i had planned. but i did ask him.. "why did you break your promise to me about telling your parents?" he asked if i thought he was a bad person and why it mattered so much. i told him "i told you so many times how important it was to me. and i told you i didnt want to be with you if you were going to keep hiding me". so i slept on some couch coushins
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lamaga · 05-30-2012, 08:56 AM

Oh, Cory. That's about the worst reaction he could have had, as that was just craven -- he wouldn't even admit that he screwed up, he just tried to displace blame onto you. You deserve better! I'd leave, too.