Got to get out

timetodoit · 05-22-2012, 10:17 PM

Hello everyone I am looking for advice, i have been married 4 years and with the girl for 6 years, we have a fantastic 3 year old little girl that's my whole life. In the 6 years we've been together my wife has worked a total of 20 months and we barely get by. She refuses to look for work and the financial stress over the past several years have destroyed almost every aspect of our relationship. i wish I could now say I love her to death however the only thing I feel now is anger and resentment and don't want to work on the relationship I just want out. The problem is this she makes a 1000$ a month how can I leave this girl in a responsible way. She will have nowher to go and no money to possibly pay rent by herself and what will happen to my little one when things get angry and tense. i just want to start my life over with equal custody of my little princess and do it with out feeling guilty, I have set up counsalling and even went as far as getting her 2 interviews that she refused to attend. Help please i feel trapped and helpless.

PBear · 05-23-2012, 05:27 AM

Well... Out of 72 months, your wife has likely been a stay at home mom for 36, and pregnant for 9. Total of 45. Then she's worked for 20, accounting for 65 out of 72 months. While not ideal, it doesn't seem like the end of the world, or worth divorcing over. If she only makes $1000 per month, does that even cover child care while she's working, much less other work related expenses? Gas, clothes, etc?

If you want out, then do what you need to do. Realize that you likely WILL be supporting your child's time with her mother though. Speak to a lawyer, and find out what your rights and obligations will be. Make sure you can cover your obligations financially. After that, it's up to her to start pulling up her socks to help herself.

I left my marriage in February of 2011. I made about 90% of our family income; for the first 6 or even 7 years of the kids' lives, it was 100%, as we wanted my wife to have the opportunity to be at home with them. Personally, I would have preferred if she took in some other kids in a day home type environment like her sister did, but never pushed that too hard. But once I separated, I kept depositing the equivalent to what my child and spousal support payments will be into her account, even though we don't have a formal agreement. Seems like the least I can do, and any squabbling would simply result in the same way, but with legal expenses on top.

I did support her more heavily through an initial time of unemployment, but tried to make it clear this wasn't going to continue. But my kids are in school full time, and are old enough to be home on their own for awhile...

Good luck!

C
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This is me · 05-23-2012, 10:45 AM

Hmmm. Why are you not looking to increase your income and be the bread winner like previous generations? I think this is the times we live in that confuses the roles of the genders.

Families were much more stable when these roles did not get blurried.

Running away from it is the theme of the times we live in.

timetodoit · 05-26-2012, 07:51 AM

I worked 63 hours this week, spent every free moment with my little girl, plus did the chores (5 loads, laundry, groceries, house cleaning) with no day off. She slept in and workes 17 hours this weekend. I organise all things related to child care. Don't turn it in to a gender issue that's a modern day escape goat that I have little tolerance for. I want a partner in life not a princess I need to do every thing for.

capacity83 · 05-26-2012, 04:27 PM

well have u talked to her about this issue ? rushing into divorce or throwing the towel just based on her being a "princess" isnt fair. Go to marriage councelling. At least do that for ur daughter! Do whatever it takes and try work at it before giving up on ur family. Remember, this is a family that u chose to have with your wife. Everything is a choice, give your family a chance and take control of the situation. If everything was so easily given up, then we wouldnt have success in the many "impossibles" in the world. It takes hard-work, dedication and most importantly, patience. Dont put the blame on ur wife. She went through child labor which is what us men would never experience in our lives, apparently one of the most painful things in this world to bring ur little girl into this world. Dont give up on ur family.

livelaughlovenow · 05-26-2012, 04:35 PM

I would tell her it's back to marriage counseling or you want a divorce since she cannot "hear" you fairly with your struggle to provide. It works both ways, some people bring up good points childcare can be pricey but if she knows the financial situation and is acting entitled the you have a problem. Try to speak nicely when you address the issue, but look at divorce as a last option, think about how much less time you will have with your daughter then, and even the it does guarantee she will be working, she could get state programs and live fine with your child support money...would you be happy that way? Talk to her, show her numbers, your income versus money going out and why the "family" needs more from her, not just you.
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