Leaving my husband, leaving my job, even leaving my dog... I think about what I want to take with me, and what I would be willing to leave behind. I've been trapped for so long and (finally) a rescue boat is on the horizon. The idea of anything sinking that ship-- Ugghh. I really can't bear the thought.
Am I crazy?
I moved to my current city to go to college about 9 years ago. Back then if you would have told me that I would still be living in this **** hole almost a decade later, I might have punched you in the face. And yet, here I am.
Before I met my husband I had big aspirations. Law school, big law firm career... I was on my way there. Today I am underemployed (doing a job I HATE more than anything else) with a bull**** masters degree, saddled with insurmountable student loan debt. I realize that I can only blame myself for the derailment. I put my happiness and my desires on the back burner for the sake of my relationship with my husband for too long. And I am filled with a disgusting amount of regret as a result.
Friday I have a job interview in a city 10 hours away from here. My husband and I talked about moving there together, but he's really not too crazy about the idea. Instead of finding a job there and working together on this, he applied for his dream job located in a city about an hour from here. His plan is to get me pregnant and let me stay home (if I want) for a few years. That's all well and good, but if it doesn't happen the way he wants then we are still stuck here, going nowhere. And I'd still be painfully miserable.* They're not even going to begin reviewing applications for that job for at least another two weeks. What do I do if I get a job offer on Friday? There's no way I'm turning it down to sit back and wait for the unknown. But how can I in good conscience just keep pushing forward with my career opportunity knowing that a fair compromise might be looming in the future?
Of course we have issues, otherwise I wouldn't be considering this, but overall I would really like to stay married. I just don't know if I can. I feel like dealing with this moving situation has really made me start falling out of love with him. I'm not even attracted to him anymore, and I rarely enjoy sex. It's really hard for me to want to spend time with him.
*My misery has gotten worse since we started trying to get pregnant. Before I just really hated my job and wanted to move to a new neighborhood. I can't help but think that the recurring hope and disappointment are affecting my mood in general, maybe making all of this worse than it really is.
Thanks for the replies, although I could have done without the snark, Sam.
We have been trying to get pregnant since November, well before this crisis. I only mentioned it to see if anyone thought that the stress of that is affecting how I feel.
We went to marriage counseling about 2 years ago for a "tune up" (married for 1 year), and it definitely helped us communicate better. When things started getting rough for us in about February we went again, but this time it really seemed to make things worse so we quit going.
I'm always fascinated when people say that marriage counseling makes things worse. Now, while I don't know every single marriage counselor, that always makes me suspect that the couple has come to some kind of stable arrangement in which they both pretend to believe each other's lies. Someone, like a counselor, coming in and trying to shed light? Well, that just destroys the whole house of cards.
I realize how I must sound, and everyone is right - we are going to quit getting pregnant and I will go on the interview.
I don't want to leave my husband. Overall we have a good relationship, but we're definitely going through a rough patch. I feel like I'm falling out of love with him, but I'm trying to figure out if it is (hoping) that it could be the stress of moving, etc. or if it's really the beginning of the end of our relationship.
I don't have anyone that I can talk to about this, and I was really hoping to get some insight.
As others have said, you're putting the proverial cart before the horse.
Wait until you and your husband get job offers before worrying about anything else.
While I do think this and the attempt at pregnancy could be major factors in your marriage now, I am very concerned that you feel you're falling out of love with him, you don't enjoy sex and you don't want to spend time with him.
You need to get the two of you back into counseling (find another counselor if you have to) and he needs to know that you feel these things! Has anything changed with him physically (weight gain) or emotionally to turn you off to him?
Nothing has changed with him physically, or in any other way - just settling into marriage, I guess. I have considered going to counseling for myself, too, just in case at least some of this is somehow "my" problem. (Reading what I've posted, I wonder if I've got some depression issues or something - never really thought about it until I read it.)
Well, Stuck, I'm definitely biased in favor of counseling -- really, what could it hurt? Sounds like you definitely have some issues. At the worst, you'll get some insight into what's going on. Not a bad plan.
And I'm sorry you felt beat up. I hope you will come back, and let us know how things are going! I, for one, will remember you.
stuckinarut23, after reading about your situation and the title of your thread, I think that if you leave, there will be trouble.
But if you stay, there will be double.
I can tell that the indecision is bugging you. But, really, if you don't want your husband, you should set him free. Then you can get on with the business of finding out exactly who you're supposed to be. That may involve changes such as a new clothes.
In all seriousness though, it seems like you and your husband can work this out but it will involve some honest conversation on both your parts.
You don't spend your post griping about your husband's shortcomings- I have to think that you can find a healthy path to a happier life with him.