Astrid

I've read through a lot here and have gained so much perspective but I still feel like I need to ask about my situation. We've been together 3 years and have been married for one. As for the good and the bad, it had been even up until the last year or so, most of the marriage.

At the very beginning of our relationship I caused some unneccesary stress. I had a continuing phone relationship with an ex, never in person and nothing sexual even in writing, however I still had a lingering friendship. When I admitted this to my H he of course was upset. We considered breaking up, thinking maybe I wasn't ready to be with him but we can to the decision to work through it, together. I still do not feel he's ever forgiven me though since that point I have been up front with who I am speaking with, who my friends are, and I have never contacted that previous person again. I made a solid effort to fix my mistake, however whenever we fight it is brought up.

After the first year, when we started discussing getting married I had reservations but never voiced them. Something else I hate admitting is that I honestly think I was just enamoured with getting married. We'd fight, he'd take off and threaten to leave, throw issues in my face and then after blowing off steam it was as if nothing ever happened. If I ever brought up how I was feeling it was said to me that I wasn't considering what he was going through and that I bring everything up at the worst times. When he was upset (he lost his job and has found work, but hasn't recovered from the initial blow) about work I never knew how he wanted to be comforted. If I asked questions I was pestering him. If I asked him if he wanted time to himself I was playing games. I've had to stay at friends and familys house even on a few occasions and after I return home there has only been one time where he's acknowledged the situation.

I've lost family over this. He thinks my family doesn't approve of him, because he's not "blue collar". I don't recall any time that they've said anything that makes him think that. I went as far as having a reception for us and his family, telling mine we didn't do anything. I regret that every day. I don't get along the best with my family but they are still just that, family.

There have been occasions where we'll be with the few friends we have and he'll either get drunk and cause a scene or make comments about me and again, it's never addressed. We drink on occasion but when he does I always am a little nervous that there is going to be a fight of some sort.

Oftentimes we'll make plans and then his mind changes. We've come up with several possible hobbies together or things we can do with our time, and if after one try things don't pan out the best, he gives up without as much as consulting me.

I've had too many times where I've just felt like I'm more wasting his time than I am helping him and it's finally to the point where I have to decide what is best for my future. Any insight you have will be helpful and any questions I am happy to answer.

ETA: a few things I feel I should mention...one night when he was drunk he came home and was upset with me and started bring up the past yet again. He slept downstairs that night, he drunkinly mentioned a conversation with a gal that was going through the same issues as him. He said it was platonic but that she "got him". He left his computer open, I've never snooped but I glanced and saw a message to a girl, not sure if its the same one, and he said that they should make out like they never got to in high school. Since it was the next day there was a reply that said wow you must be drunk and all he replied was yeah, sorry. Because of my past and not being honest, I felt at this time that we were "even" and never mentioned it.

That being said, there have been several occasions where he's stated I do not understand him and that I do not get him.

Astrid

Anyone have any insight?

JaneDoe2012

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you may want to try using his own method of communication which seems to be email. Even if you live in the same house you can try sending him an email asking him intuitive questions about how his day is and how he feels everything in his life is going. If he were your friend and you lived in another state how would you help?

I hope things start to get better for both of you.

Emma1981

Aside from the friendship with your ex when you first started dating (should be water under the bridge imo) what else does he hold over your head?

CH

Communication, communication, communication.

Stop holding it all in, go up to him and have the talk already.