First of all, thank you for taking the time to read this post and provide any thoughts you might have.
We have been married for 13 years and I'm not sure if I can continue. I got married at a young age (early 20's) and there were warning signs from the beginning. We were engaged less than six months after meeting and married 6 months later. It was all too rushed and I strongly considered pulling the plug a month before the wedding. It's been so long that I don't remember the exact reasons, but it was probably around some of the mental stability and irrational behavior that's plagued our marriage throughout. I knew I was in trouble on our honeymoon when my new wife basically laid in bed in our room half the day and hardly enjoyed our time in paradise. That was after she cried when we entered our first suite because it wasn't good enough. I came home scared and angry that I didn't pull the plug. It was a bad decision and I remember thinking at the time that I would regret it later. I was just too young and stupid to listen to my intuition.
Fast forward 13 years. Our marriage isn't horrible, but it's far from good. There has never been infidelity and as much as I hate the situation, I do trust my wife completely. The biggest issue is that I live in constant tension/anxiety. She is constantly agitated about something and most are what I would consider very small and trivial things. She is wound extremely tight. Morning's tend to be pretty laid back in our house... she is happier and somewhat easy to deal with. By evening time she is a completely different person... very agitated and short-fused. I do my best to stay away after 7pm. There was a number of years that I had to wear headphones when watching TV (two floors below her) because she thought she could hear the TV from that far away. There is a family history of depression and bi-polar. She definitely suffers from depression and I would say it borderlines on light bi polar. She does take medication for depression. A few times she tried to go cold turkey and stop taking depression meds. That was an absolute nightmare.
Outside of the general tension and agitation, I feel very limited on what we can enjoy together because she is so controlling. I love to travel, see new things and spend time outdoors. All of those things are a huge battle and when we do take a vacation, it's fun, but always painful. We spent over $9,000 on a vacation last spring. It was something we wanted to do for a long time as a family and I found the planning filled with constant battles about shortening the trip (she only wanted to do a few days), ensuring we had the best suite, not traveling during her "time of the month"
and going back and forth to ensure we got a specific room that she wanted on the ship. Nothing simple and a big battle even in the planning stages. A week before the vacation, after fighting to do a shorter trip, she got excited and wanted me to change all of the flights and make it a longer trip. Ugh. The trip was good, but still filled with stupid little squabbles because she didn't want to go to shows, enjoy dinner, etc..... This is one small example of what it's like to handle the situation daily.
Our child is the most important thing to me in the world. Honestly, if she wasn't in the picture, I would have been gone long ago. At eight years old, she is starting to lash out at my wife more often. She sees the squabbles and I think she's also starting to realize how irrational her mom can be and it frustrates her just like it does me. I try hard to ensure we present a united front (even when I don't agree with my wife), but as she gets old she sees right through it.
God is also an important part of my life. My wife has always kept religion at arms length, and recently decided she had so many doubts about religion that she would attend church, but not sit in the sanctuary. She wants our daughter to be involved in the church and have a relationship with God, so she goes but sits in the hallway and watches on a monitor. I decided to start sitting with her out there so we could at least be together. Years ago, she started leaving our room in the middle of the night and sleeping in the guest room. Now she just sleeps in the guest room all night/every night. I've asked her many times and she brushes it off as my snoring and being able to sleep better in her own bed. Not a huge deal, but one more case of us not being connected... kind of like roommates.
Final issue ... while I am an eternal optimist, she is constantly negative. She deals with one supposed health issue after another... I'm sure some are real, but I'm also pretty certain others are perceived. We are constantly canceling outings, trips with family, etc because of one health issue after another. I am more than supportive, but it's frustrating especially when I think most of the little health issues are in her head.
Now the positive. My wife loves our daughter wholeheartedly. She works extremely hard to provide the best possible environment for her. She constantly donates her time to the school and is a VERY involved Mom. She also is very aware of some of her issues and tries to work on them, but there is little improvement.
Right now, there is absolutely no question that I would be happier spending my life with someone else. The real question is whether our daughter is better off with us together or apart. On one hand, I want her to see what a healthy/happy spousal relationship looks like. On the other hand, I would do anything to avoid upsetting her "world" and turning things upside down. If that means that I live in an unhappy marriage, I'm ok carrying that weight.
Your thoughts are appreciated. In 14 years, I have never shared these issues with another soul. For what it's worth, I don't hate my wife. I feel sorry and have compassion for her.
All I really want is a peaceful, loving home where we have fun together and live out our dreams. I don't think I'm asking too much.
Tom
We have been married for 13 years and I'm not sure if I can continue. I got married at a young age (early 20's) and there were warning signs from the beginning. We were engaged less than six months after meeting and married 6 months later. It was all too rushed and I strongly considered pulling the plug a month before the wedding. It's been so long that I don't remember the exact reasons, but it was probably around some of the mental stability and irrational behavior that's plagued our marriage throughout. I knew I was in trouble on our honeymoon when my new wife basically laid in bed in our room half the day and hardly enjoyed our time in paradise. That was after she cried when we entered our first suite because it wasn't good enough. I came home scared and angry that I didn't pull the plug. It was a bad decision and I remember thinking at the time that I would regret it later. I was just too young and stupid to listen to my intuition.
Fast forward 13 years. Our marriage isn't horrible, but it's far from good. There has never been infidelity and as much as I hate the situation, I do trust my wife completely. The biggest issue is that I live in constant tension/anxiety. She is constantly agitated about something and most are what I would consider very small and trivial things. She is wound extremely tight. Morning's tend to be pretty laid back in our house... she is happier and somewhat easy to deal with. By evening time she is a completely different person... very agitated and short-fused. I do my best to stay away after 7pm. There was a number of years that I had to wear headphones when watching TV (two floors below her) because she thought she could hear the TV from that far away. There is a family history of depression and bi-polar. She definitely suffers from depression and I would say it borderlines on light bi polar. She does take medication for depression. A few times she tried to go cold turkey and stop taking depression meds. That was an absolute nightmare.
Outside of the general tension and agitation, I feel very limited on what we can enjoy together because she is so controlling. I love to travel, see new things and spend time outdoors. All of those things are a huge battle and when we do take a vacation, it's fun, but always painful. We spent over $9,000 on a vacation last spring. It was something we wanted to do for a long time as a family and I found the planning filled with constant battles about shortening the trip (she only wanted to do a few days), ensuring we had the best suite, not traveling during her "time of the month"
and going back and forth to ensure we got a specific room that she wanted on the ship. Nothing simple and a big battle even in the planning stages. A week before the vacation, after fighting to do a shorter trip, she got excited and wanted me to change all of the flights and make it a longer trip. Ugh. The trip was good, but still filled with stupid little squabbles because she didn't want to go to shows, enjoy dinner, etc..... This is one small example of what it's like to handle the situation daily.
Our child is the most important thing to me in the world. Honestly, if she wasn't in the picture, I would have been gone long ago. At eight years old, she is starting to lash out at my wife more often. She sees the squabbles and I think she's also starting to realize how irrational her mom can be and it frustrates her just like it does me. I try hard to ensure we present a united front (even when I don't agree with my wife), but as she gets old she sees right through it.
God is also an important part of my life. My wife has always kept religion at arms length, and recently decided she had so many doubts about religion that she would attend church, but not sit in the sanctuary. She wants our daughter to be involved in the church and have a relationship with God, so she goes but sits in the hallway and watches on a monitor. I decided to start sitting with her out there so we could at least be together. Years ago, she started leaving our room in the middle of the night and sleeping in the guest room. Now she just sleeps in the guest room all night/every night. I've asked her many times and she brushes it off as my snoring and being able to sleep better in her own bed. Not a huge deal, but one more case of us not being connected... kind of like roommates.
Final issue ... while I am an eternal optimist, she is constantly negative. She deals with one supposed health issue after another... I'm sure some are real, but I'm also pretty certain others are perceived. We are constantly canceling outings, trips with family, etc because of one health issue after another. I am more than supportive, but it's frustrating especially when I think most of the little health issues are in her head.
Now the positive. My wife loves our daughter wholeheartedly. She works extremely hard to provide the best possible environment for her. She constantly donates her time to the school and is a VERY involved Mom. She also is very aware of some of her issues and tries to work on them, but there is little improvement.
Right now, there is absolutely no question that I would be happier spending my life with someone else. The real question is whether our daughter is better off with us together or apart. On one hand, I want her to see what a healthy/happy spousal relationship looks like. On the other hand, I would do anything to avoid upsetting her "world" and turning things upside down. If that means that I live in an unhappy marriage, I'm ok carrying that weight.
Your thoughts are appreciated. In 14 years, I have never shared these issues with another soul. For what it's worth, I don't hate my wife. I feel sorry and have compassion for her.
All I really want is a peaceful, loving home where we have fun together and live out our dreams. I don't think I'm asking too much.
Tom