wife just told me she wants separation. is there hope?
Help! My wife of 9 years just told me three days ago she wants a separation.
We have 2 happy lovely girls, ages 3.5 and almost 6. We bought a house almost 3 years ago. we were good friends for a couple of years before we started dating, and dated, and lived together for a good 2 years before marriage. so we 've known eachother for about 14 years.
she told me that she wants to be alone. she wants to stay in a good relationship for the kids. she wants to be friends like we used to be.
We used to talk out disagreements, and listen to each other's sides of the story and resolve most conflicts. then the kids...
we have been in a gradual decline since the 1st kid, which quickend once #2 was in the picture. I have atributed it all to the stress of babies/toddlers. Money is an issue too, as we are a 1 income family.
I have made the typical guy mistakes- taking her for granted, not listening well, not nurturing the relationship or her. (we both come from divorced families, thus don;t have postive rolemodels.) (it took the seperation to fully understand this)
so we have degenerated into two ppl who don;t respect or listen to eachother for the few past years. again, being an oblivious dude, I just resigned myself to suffer for a while until the the kids were a little older- then things woudl come gradually back. It took her telling me how miserable she is, to realize that I too am more miserable than just a stressed out dad.
so, basically, our relationship is dead. we are both checked out. I have hope we can salvage it. I love the old her dearly (the new her, of course, not so much, but hte new me is not so great either.)
we both have focused heavily on the kids, who we love more than life itself, probably to the detriment of our relationship.
she had asked for us to see a marriage counceler a few times inthe past. being the breadwinner, and living paycheck to paychek (or worse), I had not followed that up, again, thinking when we get a little more money, we can deal and pick up the pieces. dum-as$.
she is miserable, wants to be happy for the girls. She feels as though she has lost herself. I totaly want her to be happy, and support anything that she needs to do. but I am not very good at supporting her emotionally. I am terrible at showing her how important she is to me- especially for the past years that we have been checked out. I am a great chore sharer, but half the time, she complains that I dont; do enough. the other half, she tells me that the chores dont matter, and I need to support her better. which I never understood, but now I do (at least in theory)
So my heart is broken. when she told me she wants the seperation, she was her old self. she allowed herself to be vulnerable- so I remembered what I love about her.
I had a great sence of relief that the terrible rut that we were in was over. but an even greater sadness, of course. I had always envisioned us getting back to a good spot, and growing old together.
and then, there are the kids. I live for them, wish I could spend every second with them. with a divorce, I can't imagine the pain of not getting to kiss them goodnite every nite (tears!).
I can;t imagine the pain my dad went thru. then I remember how secondary he was to me growing up. that kills me.
so needless to say, I would do anything to keep the family together. She says she will do counciling, but her vioce tells me that she really thinks it;s over, and thinks it will be better living seperate lives.
we both have come along way over the years. for example, I used to be very sarcastic, which was a mechanism to make me feel smarter/ superior to her. thru many fights, she has helped me realize that, and Ive stopped years ago. when she was mad, she used to be REALLY mean, name calling, demeaning stuff, and worse, and she is much better too. but none of that makes her feel better now. we both suffer from low self esteem.
please, I'm looking for positive feedback. please tell me a story where a separation worked out for the better. tell me it's possible to turn back from the brink.
signed one sad dad on a friday nite.