LillyoftheValley

Hi Folks,

So I have realized after 10 years plus, that my husband and I are total opposites. That's fine, in theory, but we tend to dampen each other's energies and personalities. I am like the entertainer walking stand up comedian and he is like the poised king. I feel secure by his side and I do love him as long as he is in a good mood. Well, today he was in a bad mood.

Today is the first day of summer vacation and we are teachers. So, I took my daughter to school (still she didn't finish, it's just us) and my husband said he would pick her up. It's 41 degrees celsius outside. We live in a horrible climate. Anyways, later on I went about my own business, I am trying to do a fundraiser. So I just asked him if he would like to have lunch with me at my mom's house a bit later. This "request" was over the phone. His reply was, and I am using capitals to indicate anger and discontent:

YOU WANT ME TO WAIT 1.5 HOURS FOR YOU AT YOUR MOM'S HOUSE IN ORDER TO HAVE LUNCH?

My answer: I don't know why you are angry, but I gave you a good suggestion. There is no need to be angry, just say you don't want to. That's all you need to say. Why are you angry?

BECAUSE IT IS HOT.

Well, it went downhill from there. I was so hurt over the phone. I went about my business, later called him from the store and told him how hurtful he is, and that if he doesn't care that he is hurting me, well that's another story.

He ALWAYS claims something is wrong with me that I am over sentimental. I DO NOT believe that anymore. I just deserve to be treated like a nice lady with dignity and honor and respect and love ALL The time, not just when he is in a good mood.

Please, if you can, please help me. I think I have done nothing wrong, and that he has been sabotaging my sense of self esteem with his crappy mood for the last 3 years since we came back home to our very "hot" and actually pretty nasty hometown. It's not my fault we are here. We are trying to save some money and leave. But this is way too miserable for me.

Thanks. Please be nice. I am feeling horrible, yet still carrying on with business--my projec. Thanks.

lamaga

"I do love him as long as he is in a good mood."

Well, that's not really enough to sustain a marriage. You have to take the good with the bad.

Sorry, Lilly, I don't mean to give you a hard time. It does sound like he is pretty angry. Is he angry about being back in your hometown?Do you have to be there? Has he sacrificed some job potentials to be there? And you know, it was his first day of summer vacation, maybe he just wanted to relax a little?

We don't have enough info really to know, but I think you deserve to know why he is so angry with you. Perhaps try to discuss it at a neutral time? When you two are calm?

LillyoftheValley

Thank you lamaga. It's really nice to be able to talk to anyone out there. I feel trapped in a bad relationship and I am in denial. My dear friend he is earning top dollars, it was his choice to come back here, we had a nice morning. There were NO precursors to this anger tantrum, except the HEAT?

Ask away, if you like. I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what details are relevant. Thank you again. As I said before, and after I have talked to a very experienced therapist, she really believes that he is generally a miserable angry guy, has been in my hometown for the last three years. We used to live abroad in a Western country, and now we are back to the woes of the third world kind of place. We are trying to save though, and our families are here. It's just horrible weather, boredom, and traffic. It feels very confining to be here, but it has nothing to do with me. It is his inability to adjust to ...anything it seems. He is very introvert. I am very extrovert. I don't know anymore. Thanks again.

LillyoftheValley

"I do love him as long as he is in a good mood." As for this statement, what I meant that when he is in a good mood he is a lover, when he is in a bad mood he is a monster. Get it? Simple as that. So I am "unable" to love him when he is in a bad mood because I feel scared from him actually; like I said he did shove me once and bruise me because I was shoved to the door, I was almost shoved to a mirror once too, but I was lucky. This is in the background. I have tried to forget and forgive and see the good things only, but really. He must Stop it

lamaga

Well, that's abuse, and yes, he must stop it. I'm sure it's acceptable in some cultures, but you are writing in to site which is mostly dominated by US and UK folks, so we're not likely to look kindly on it.

Oh, dear. I'm organizing a big birthday party in two hours, I have to sign off, but I know you'll get some good advice here. Keep posting!

LillyoftheValley

Thank you lamaga. I hope your party turns out great. Well, I finished announcing my project, and friends are signing on, so I am very happy and blase now. I don't care OH WELL. Talk to you all later. O wait, there is just you lamaga so far lol. Cheerios. And I agree with all you said. Thanks kind regards, me.