Hello, I am so lost right now and confused. My husband and i have been married for 11 months but have been dating off and on since 2004. I feel our marriage is coming to an end. First of all, I agreed to marry this man to prove to him that I loved him. He would tell me that if I didn't marry him he was going to leave me. I am a very passive person that is slowly coming out of her shell. During this time he was wanting to get married, we had recently just got back together. We were separated for 4 months. I was seeing someone else and my relationship with this new man was not very good. I was looking for something that I did not know at the time. I was trying to find myself and lost myself in another mans arms. This new man was worthless and a liar. I just liked the way he made me feel. He was an escape, but he was so much fun to be around! Unlike my husband who is always so serious and wants to sit on the couch and cuddle or talk about his new found religion. Ultimately, I agreed to get married to my husband because I knew he would not hurt me like the previous man had.
Our marriage has been nothing but hell. My husband got laid off in February of 2011 and until recently, had been collecting unemployment and sitting around on the couch. I would try and talk to him about getting a new job, which lead to yelling at him, which lead to us completely shutting down about the subject. His mind track was that he is collecting money doing nothing, so he should continue to do nothing. On the other hand, here I am working my ass off to pay all the bills. He would pay for his cell phone, bike payment, and his two credit cards. I am the breadwinner, I work as a RN at the hospital and do plenty of overtime (so I can afford to live in my house), and he would do nothing. He would blow whatever money he had left over from his unemployment and not give me any money to help pay bills. He would constantly make his checking account go negative and i would pay to fix it because my name is on the account. It all boils down to me feeling like he has no respect for me. When we try and talk about this subject or any other subject, he gets so defensive and it turns into an argument. Or he will say, "I know baby, it will better" in which it never does.
I am to the point where I want a divorce. I am not happy with this man at all. He recently found god and has started going to church and this is all he talks about. I am an atheist and do not want to talk with him about god, which he tries to push on me. We have had so many issues in our relationship, I feel like we have nothing to give. I do not want to have sex with him, which we haven't had in two months. When I hug him, I do feel comfort and I know I love him. When I look at this man, I see him as a little kid and I am his mother. I love him dearly but I am not in love with anymore. When I tell him that, he shuts down and pushes himself more into his newfound faith. I just wish he would listen to me and we could carry on a conversation and actually talk about our feelings. He is the type of person that is always right, you can tell him no wrong. So half of the time when we do talk, everything I tell him about myself or how i am feeling, he tells me I'm wrong. I just don't now what to do anymore. I am trying to get him out of my house. He scares me because he is so deep into his religion. He believes Jesus talks to him and that I am pregnant without us having sex. When I look into his eyes, he looks like a lunatic! I no longer see my husband in his eyes. I just need some advice, I guess. I know where we are heading but I want to let him down easy instead of push him over the edge.
When he lost his job you found out something very important.
Him NOT providing financially and being productive is a deal breaker for you. I would be for most people
How much of the housework, etc, does he do now that he is not employed?
Does he play video games a lot?
You would have every right to divorce him. He’s reneged on being an equal partner in your marriage. He’s using you as a ‘sugar mama’.
My exh did the same thing. Unfortunately I let it go on for years while trying to be supportive of him either going t school or finding a job. 10 (yes 10) years later he still does nothing. So I divorced him.
Please take care of yourself and do not allow yourself to be used in this manner.
Does he have somewhere he can go, like to live with a relative?
Open your own bank accounts and take your name off any joint account. My bank need my exh and I to go to their office to sign forms and he was removed from the joint accounts. Apparently you cannot just remove yourself from a joint account.
Since he is being financially irresponsible, as you have found out, you are still responsible for it when he overdraws the account.
I have always taken care of him. He will have a job for awhile but it never lasts. He used to play video games constantly and never do anything. He promised me he had changed and everything was going to get better, but it never has. It's just a never ending cycle. I am so over it and need to move on. My problem is being alone. This is something I need to work on to be able to get him out of my life for good. I have got to be strong and I am working on it daily. It is just so damn hard!
Apparently you cannot just remove yourself from a joint account.
Some banks do (in my case Huntington Bank in OH).
What you always can do with joint bank accounts is closing them ... you open an new account only in your name, than transfer the balance (if any) to the new account and close the joint account. No problem, have done that twice recently.
I think you just wanted somewhere to complain and get your feelings heard for once. To say you don't feel the way you feel or that you are wrong to feel that way is a common and most ridiculous. As a result, you don't feel heard or validated. So, I hope you feel a little better. Keep on posting. It can be very cathartic and the support you receive can be very helpful. But, helpful in the way of support is all we can do because your problems are not something we can solve, nor can we help you solve them. Like you said, you just need to get stronger. Writing and finally being able to talk it out - even if it is on the internet - is great until you find strength within yourself.
Also, I suggest you begin individual counseling because you seem to have very low self esteem. That is the reason you choose undesirable men, have bad relationships, get used, and then feel helpless to do anything about it. What happens to you is result of what you allow to happen. Your husband is the same person he was since 2004, so you cannot exactly blame him for the marital problems even though you came here to complain about everything he does and doesn't do. He's not doing anything that you don't allow. You seem to feel you are unhappy with him and everything is his fault. What you don't seem to see is that it is all your own fault. Your husband, nor any other person on earth, has to be or become your imaginary mate. What you want from him is to be the person, the husband, you made up in your head that you want him to be. He is not that person. He is the man you married and have known since 2004, but you never accepted him for who he is. If you had, you would not have married him and would not stay married. Get counseling to understand why you married him for the wrong reasons and why you are afraid to be alone. Something is not better than nothing, so there are reasons to be found deep within yourself that can explain why you think it's better to give in to his emotional blackmail rather than be alone and why you cannot seem to get him out of your life for fear of being alone. The answers to your problems are in you. You just have to give yourself the opporunity to find those answers.
I've been married for 9 yrs. and is considering divorce within the next couple of days in which my husband has drawn up the papers and I have signed but he hasn't turned them in yet. To make a long story short, I was unfaithful to my husband and he found out. This has happened before with him as well. When he and I first started talking in Jul '02, he was married and I had just gotten out a bad relationship. It was good at first because the pampering was good. He got a divorce in Mar '03. He got deployed in May 2003 and we kept relationship going and got married Oct '03. Five months after we were married, I cheated once. When he came home, he still never knew. Then I got pregnant one month after he came home and about 3 months later he was cheating on me. Even though I had a one night stand in which he later found out, he kept on for about 3 yrs. And about a year ago I found out that he possibly has teenage daughter. I was faithful to him until recently. The truth is I've been unhappy now for about 7yrs and I don't like sex with him as it feels like a chore. He's controlling and don't really like the fact that I have a close knit with my family and if could get us far away he would. I have a 12yr old daughter from a previous relationship in which he doesn't want to have anything to do with biological dad, so I sneak to let her see him and she loves him to death and has other siblings. We both have a 7yr old son together. My daughter and he don't get along and she told me she felt suicidal. I've taken her to counseling before, but really no success. I asked him several times about counseling and he refused to go. I’m happy when he is gone on travel. I had even gone to counseling for myself and he still refused. I had a heart attack in Jan' 12 at the age of 35 which now has me feeling like I need to be concerned for my health and not stressed. He lost his 23yr old son in Jun '12 from a car accident. So we are both going through something. The only thing he wants to do is buy us material stuff thinking this is the answer for all our problems. What really led me to this other guy was he made my daughter cry saying she was going to fail school cause of band and that she was laying down tired after a band competition and not outside. He always got mad at her cause she didn't want to go outside to keep an eye on her brother. I really care about this guy, he makes me happy, understands me and we are so compatible, have a lot in common and he has a spiritual side that I like. When I signed those papers, I felt no regrets and until this day, I feel nothing, no loss, no numbness. I've been out of love with him and my daughter could care less if I leave. I'm just tired of the lies with him and I guess now, myself. He wants to work it out but I don't! What should I do?