Matt904243

Hi,

I'm a newbie and yesterday all was fairly OK in my life. I've been married to my wife for 2 years. It's been a hectic time...we moved from the UK to Dubai with my work shortly after the wedding and have moved twice since being here. We now have a lovely villa and life is good. Both of us work in stressful jobs but we're now used to the lifestyle the financial rewards and nice weather.

The hammer blow came yesterday when my wife told me she no longer loved me and wanted to go back home to live near her family and to start a new life for herself. She admits that marriage life was not for her and she is too selfish to be in a marriage. She want's her maiden name back and to step off this adventure we're on together.

We had made plans to travel to Malaysia, Australia and to end up in Houston. I guess underneath she only wanted to be in one place and that was back home. I suggested jacking my job in but it's also me she want's out of her life.

I have known for sometime that our marriage needed a kickstart and there has been little to no passion for a few months now. I had thought that she was having an affair but I am certain this is not the case, she would risk it here with the local law and especially now I know that she's been making plans back in the UK for work etc....

She has agreed to see a councillor here in Dubai with me to see if we can talk this through since communication was never our strong point. She doesn't believe her feelings nor the marriage can be fixed and she is wanting to tick the box so she can say we tried everything to save the marriage.

She regrets marrying me.....

For me if she goes it will be a terrible loss of my only real friend here in Dubai. Dubai is not an easy place to meet people especially if you have no children. The divorce rate is high here and I have a few colleagues who are divorced and spend most of their time sitting at the end of the bar. This is NOT how I want to end up....but coming back to the UK to my hometown is not an option for me either. I have a job to do here I just have to try and deal with the loneliness if it comes to it.

Any support or suggestions would be helpful, I have decided to see the councillor by myself this week while my wife is travelling and then together next week.

Thanks.

EleGirl

Take it one day at a time. Every day she is still with you is a day you can work to keep her.

Did you ask her why she did not tell you how she was feeling long before it came to this? Long before it arrived at a point of no return?

Is it hard for her in Dubai? Women are treated quite differently there. Is that causing her issues?

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Matt904243

Thank you for your response,

The only challenge here in Dubai is the work and the demand that is put on you to perform and to be available 24/7. For example my wife left the house at 4am this morning to DOHA and will be home at midnight tonight. We live in a very western area while parts of the Middle East are difficult for women, Dubai is not...

She feels that we got married to live here in the Middle East and now that she want's to be at home she is able to walk from the marriage. I saw it as a lifetime commitment.

Married in VA

Matt,
Sorry you are here man. If she does leave, there is lots to enjoy in Dubai. Where else in the desert can you go skiing? You guys really do have a tough schedule if you are expected to hop on a plane to Qatar in the morning and be back to Dubai in the evening. That is crazy. I am in the Navy and I don't work like that. Wow. Sounds like she is a walk away wife who was done some time ago and just now is calling it quits. Talk with her, try MC, but understand that she is very likely done. You may just have to let her go. You are saying no affair went on but some red flags are there. Given the amount of time that you two spend away from each other and the travel that you do for your job, an affair is very possible and you just have not discovered it yet. Best of luck, and feel free to vent here.

williams2005

Hi Matt,

I am a victim of Dubai divorce too. When you are in the situation, nothing seems to dull the pain and loneliness of Dubai and it can seem awfully hopeless.

Many of my friends with seemingly strong marriages also saw their relationships fail too. It is not the kiss of death per se but a separation of values. I travelled to other middle east countries and my then wife was a Jumeirah Jane. Life was easy in Dubai, the beach was close, the pool in the garden heated in winter and chilled in summer. Choithrams was close, home leave allowance was paid in cash and vacations were accessible all over the world - and the bank account was overflowing. The company paid the rent, utilities, car, gas, it was a false lifestyle for many years.

For me, travel expanded my boundaries and exposed me to hardships that kept me anchored to reality. Perhaps it also altered my set of values too. For my spouse, she became absorbed in and bounded by the 4WD, the afternoon teas, the brandnames, the beaches, the nightclubs, the hotels, the restaurants, the malls and the easy tax-free life. The drift was inevitable and brutal.

As there were kids involved, that made the heartache worse. Had there been no children, it would have been easier to get over. There are quite a few support groups in Dubai and if you dig beneath the surface, can find sincere support. You need to find yourself a support structure because the more you share your situation, the easier it is, certainly more than visiting African and Eastern and then bottling it up inside day after day.

Marriage counselling only works if both parties have the same enthusiasm and commitment towards resolution. Save your money if it appears she is only going in order to save family face or satisfy social commitment to say that she really, really tried everything.

Here is one thing you can really do to check if reconciliation is possible. Ask her where she sees herself and what does she see herself doing in 5 years' time. Ask yourself the same question before you ask her. If the two answers do not match, I would not recommend that you give up your life to go back to the UK with her. Cut your losses and move on.

Getting an expatriate job is difficult, keeping it is more so. Stay overseas and get a job with an international firm that will allow you to transfer around a bit, create a name.. and keep your dream of Houston, perhaps you can transfer back there. Buy property and take care of yourself.

Sue-

Hi Matt,

I know this was posted a while back but because I am going through a very difficult separation at the moment. i was browsing and saw your post.
first I hope that you are managing to get through this difficult time reasonably well.

Second, I have to say that there are 2 points in the last post that really hit home for me: finding a support system is critical! I know it's hard when you work 10-12 hours a day in a city that is extremely diverse and impersonal. It might seem that it's impossible to find friends, but it is not. Keep trying and eventually you will find people you enjoy being with and activities you enjoy doing that will fill up the space and eventually bring you fulfilfiment, you never know you may even meet someone more suited to you.

The second point that really resonated is the change in values. I totally agree with that.
My husband and I have been together for 23 years, married for 19 and with 3 really good kids. I work in the humanitarian sector and that plus my natural inclination has always kept me grounded. I know what my values are and I am comfortable with who I am. My husband came here and met several of his old friends, men who got married late in life so had the time to party through their twenties when he had to work to support a family. He suddenly became very resentful of this and feels that he needs a new lifestyle to recapture the lost time. Of course it is more complex than this but the change in values (I don't drink and enjoy family life for example) while he would like to go clubbing and says most of his friends are cheating on their wives. That is a big problem in Dubai. The easy life, the money, the partying lifestyle, all emphasize these differences that probably existed under the surface.

So in short I would say don't beat yourself too much. You are probably not very compatible and I do sincerely hope that you will meet another person who will appreciate you and love you as you deserve