Eagles Dancing

Hi,
I am new here.
My husband and I have been married 25 years. He has always been a controlling kind of guy. He always thinks I am looking to have an affair behind his back. I have never given him a reason to think that about me.

He has isolated me from my friends and family for years. So recently I have been getting on facebook to reunit with some of my old school friends. I love seeing their pictures and hearing about their lives. It is the best part of my day.

I have to sneak to get time on there because it makes him mad.

He first said he didn't care if I got on there...then it was I could only be on there for 30 minutes in the morning...then he viewed this as a threat because guy friends started talking to me.

He said I could get on there at night...but then when I do...he throws a fit!!

I don't think he should be setting the rules...heck I am 49 years old and he acts like it is his job to tell me what to do!!!

In his mind, I am on there all day long. Not true.

He use to fight with me and threaten to kill himself if I didn't do what he said. I stopped that by calling the cops on him after he did this for years!!

Now he threatens to divorce me and take away the farm I love.

I called him out on it and said go ahead.

He is on a lot of pain meds and currently started low T shots...this has made his behavior worse!!! I can't take it anymore.

Today is our son's 18th birthday. He has one year of high school left and I am so unhappy here.

I am now starting to become concerned about my safety...because I have started standing up for myself.

He gets these wild looks in his eyes that scares me. He has never hit me...but he has been one who was a fighter in his younger days. He has told me of how he almost beat two guys to death (separate times) and he does have a bad temper.

I hate the thought of divorce....but life is short and I need to follow my dreams. He has made sure I have no income and have been a stay at home mom for years.

I had a wonderful job at the post office but he didn't like it and told me he would support me. He even came into the post office once to fight with my supervisor, but I stopped him before he could confront the guy.

He even called a local DJ up because he thought I was winning too much and thought there was something going on.

I have taken care of him and his mother when she lived with us.

Shouldn't I have some compensation for my efforts?

He tells me I won't be able to keep the farm and that it will have to be sold. He knows I can make a living on this farm so he is going to do everything to stop me from having any form of income or career to keep me strapped to him.

I had a flower shop years ago and he quit his job so he could keep an eye on me....but said his back got to bad to work....this cause us to have to file bankruptcy and stopped my income source.

I have bent over backwards trying to be nice to him....because he has been through a lot, health wise....but I can't keep this up.

Any advice?

lamaga

See a lawyer, and call your local battered women's support hotline. You are in danger.

Eagles Dancing

Thanks for your advice.

This is what my friends are telling me to do as well.

I have one friend who works at a women's shelter and she has been very helpful.

I went to a therapist with him years ago. The therapist wanted to see me alone. She told me he was abusing me and that he would never change. She was right.

I have tried to stick it out for my kids, but I see my son picking up his father's bad habits. He is starting to talk to me like his father does. It breaks my heart.

Can I get him removed from the house? I have to take care of the animals we have here on the farm and this would be a source of income for me. How do I go about doing this...if it is possible?

There should be police reports regarding his suicide attempt and he has checked himself into stress units before...would this be something I could use to have him removed from this farm?

My mother has the adjoining farm and I need to be here to take care of her....its not like I can just up and run....but I do understand that my life might be in danger.

He is the kind of guy that won't be able to leave me a lone I am afraid. When he gets mad he packs up his stuff and leaves but soon returns. He even paid for a motel room recently but only took a shower there and didn't spend the night. He came right back here.

He makes sure he is the one that leaves instead of me...that puts him in the driver's seat...and then he comes back.

When I have left he always comes up with some plan to drag me home. Last time he claim there was something wrong with my grand son to get me back.....it was a lie.

He constantly calls me when I am gone. It has become a family joke when the phone rings that it will be my husband calling to see what I am doing. If he doesn't call he has one of our kids call me.

Any other advice?

Thanks for your help. I really appreciate it!! You input confirms what my friends are saying...I was concerned they might have a bias to the situation. Thank you.

Eagles Dancing

lamaga....scary icon!!!

mrmagoo

He needs serious psychiatric help and you need to protect yourself. Very sorry to hear but he needs meds quickly and for someone he respects/Dr to tell him to chill the f out. Excuse the urban vernacular.

grenville

When a professional therapist tells you something like that, you should believe it. I'd say the course of action depends on whether he's physically abusive or not. If he is, then get the hell out of there (call the humane society about the animals if you're worried he won't care for them) and stay with a friend or at a refuge. If he isn't (and you don't think there's any chance he could become so), then move into a spare room. Either way though, go and see a lawyer right away.

Pluto2

So your friends and a therapist have told you he is abusing you. I've never met you or him, but let's accept that these people are correct. Staying for your children's sake is not appropriate. You must ensure that they are safe and well-cared for. Have you seen a lawyer? If money is an issue, try legal aid? Who says he get the farm you love, him? Pish-posh. He doesn't rule the world and he should not be ruling you.

Married in VA

Eagles,

I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice.

There are two ways to "force" him out of the house. Both of which are HIGHLY unethical absent ACTUAL, PROVABLE physical abuse.

Method 1. You can, based on your fear of your husband, file for a domestic violence restraining order asking for exclusive use of the family home. If granted, the police will evict him from the residence until the first hearing. At the hearing the judge can make the order permanent and he can be forced to stay away for up to as many years are your state allows for protective orders. The protective order, however, does not convey property rights nor does it extinguish his interest in the property for divorce purposes so this method accomplishes nothing long term other than get him out of the house and in theory protect you. Having said that, a restraining order is just a piece of paper and if he is as violent as you say then when served he may come after you. Remember, when seconds count, the police are only minutes away.

Method 2: File for divorce and at the first hearing, known as the pendente lite hearing, ask for exclusive use of the marital home while the divorce proceeds. Then negotiate away his interest in the farm during the D process.

The other, and most honorable method, is to convince him to leave on his own and let the D process play out. No matter how you slice it, it is not going to end well for either of you. Divorce is never pretty and both parties end up worse than if they just would have stayed married, at least financially anyway.