Im new here. I have nobody I feel I can trust 100% to talk to. In my mind, I think I would DIVORCE after 15 years of marriage, but there are 3 children involved, and I'm not financially able to make it on my on.
Together for almost 18 years, married 15. Red flags from the beginning. While dating, he would inspect every dish I hand washed and point out if I missed anything. Very angry outburst in Taco Bell with friends present. Police almost called. (Over a drink) He would be very rude to my parents, which hurt my feelings so bad. He would tell me how he was going to raise his kids and what he would/would not teach them, etc. He would also sneak around while I was working and talk to ex's, or insist that I leave at a certain time, and I knew he was expecting a phone call.
Fast forward a few years. Now pregnant, got married, still rude. Admitted that he "shook" our baby because he wouldnt stop crying. (Thank god he is 14 and totally fine) I witnessed him thump oldest child very hard on the head, because he was trying to climb in his lap and he was reading a book, apparently didnt want to be bothered. Tried to talk to our pastor, but he strongly advised I not give details, because he would have to report it. We moved away for 2 years, things got better, but the anger problem would surface randomly.
We've now been married 15 years and he has been diagnosed with OCD a few years back. His attitude and behavior has improved, but I wonder if the damage is done.
There have been numerous occasions where he would get the thought of a "relationship" (his words) with other women, some of them very good friends of mine stuck in his head and obscess. Then he felt compelled to tell me about it thinking it would help. (My words "relationship"=sex) The last time this happened I told him to leave, but started feeling bad for the kids, so I have basically disconnected myself from him. The time before last, I shamefully beat his face in with my fists and told him to go *#@& Her!
Theres more. Dad died as a result of brothers drug problem. Brother high, dad tried to stop him from leaving house, and dad had heart attack. (Short version) He would lash out any chance at my brother and my mother after this. Caused major turmoil in our house.....like cutting off family etc.
Three years after dad died, brother shot himself. On the phone as I was racing to get there, I asked him if he was dead. He coldly told me that he had no head left. He made an appearance at the scene and told me he loved me, but couldnt stay there. (Tons of family and friends there) At first he was admittedly "glad" that my brother was dead. So I boldly told him that I was going to do what I had to do, take care of my mom etc.....and told him "I DON"T NEED YOU!!!!!!" --- I have family to help get me thru this.
Also he goes thru spells everynow and then where he has missed work---not the norm for him. He is an excellent provider.
The last one was he was afraid he had or would hurt one of us in his sleep. Or that he would do something sexual to our daughter in his sleep and not remember. Talk about churning up my stomach.
We have talked about divorce, but never seriously enough to progress to an attorney.
Part of me knows he is crazy, but from the outside, people think he is wonderful. (Or they did---alot of his actions have been witnessed by family and friends now)
I don't know what to do. I want a healthy marriage with a loving and compassionate man....my best friend. I keep hoping, but Im beginning to feel its all for nothing.
ANY INSIGHT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!!!!
Thanks in advance!!
I think I see classic abuser here - there is his show the world side - everyone else just loves him and thinks he awesome - and then there is the real side that you live with everyday.
I say leave him. He's abusive to you and your children. NEVER stay for the children they know what's going on and are likely to grow up learning from him how women should be treated and the cycle will repeat itself.
You are right you deserve a loving compassionate marriage with your best friend....so go find him - he's out there!
I read all your words... the violence, the OCD, the controlling you, the physical Abuse of his Own children, Shaking his infant? That is a Crime! The affairs... the talking about hurting one of you, or sexually doing something to his own daughter...
My Gosh, why are you still there? Please Please for your own sake, and more importantly for the sake of your Kids... Get Out, call the authorites...
You say he's a good provider... how? Money....
all the money in the world would never be enough to make me stay with someone like that, who would shake, and thump my kids...
I would find somewhere to stay, and take your kids. I would collect any evidence you need, and get custody of all of them
He sounds like a Very Very sick man.
I understand you're confused, but honestly, there is no staying with a psycho like that. How can you? When he's threatned now to do something sexually to his own kid? And why did you not leave when he admitted to Shaking his own baby, that can Kill a baby! And thumping his own child on the head, because he was Reading??? Are you serious? And you're still there? Even after he coldly told you your own brother had no head left after he shot himself? That wasn't enough of a red flag for you?
I am sorry, but the behavior you've described sounds to me like he's a sociopath.... Dangerous...
I am concerned for you and your kids.
Honey, protect yourself, and your kids.... get out Asap...
"Part of me knows he is crazy, but from the outside, people think he is wonderful. "
this is one characteristic of a Sociopathic person... they are totally crazy.. but to anyone who doesn't know them well, they seem like they have it totally together, are often very articulate, charming, wonderful by all accounts.... able to convince people that they are wonderful...
I can't tell you enough how scared for you I am, after reading your post. Please don't take his actions or words lightly. what kind of monster would tell you he was glad your brother was dead?
what kind of normal person would say he was afraid he was going to do something to hurt one of you, or sexually abuse his daughter and "not remember"?
Granted, he needs Very Serious Help..... but you can't stay with someone like this. This is a very dangerous situation for you, and your kids. Please get some professional help, and if you have to call the police if he threatens you again.
My insides are quivering! Telling some of the events and getting honest feedback. I ask myself the same thing...why am I still here? I guess fear....fear of being alone. I have been with him since I just turned 18, so I guess this is all I have ever known.
One other thing I left out is him confessing a couple of years ago that he had thought about cutting my brake lines after we were first married. Hoping he could knock me off. He got the idea after watching an episode of "dukes of hazzard".
I'm tired of living a charade. I think I pretend pretty good. This is not "Normal" is it? Like I said, this is all I have ever known.....so I'm assuming I have never know normal....correct?
I could move in with my mom, but we live in the same neighborhood. Or I could make him leave?
He has serious issues... and YOU CANNOT FIX HIM! As cliche as that sounds.
Believe this: NO MATTER WHAT YOU WILL BE FINE! not the same kind of lifestyle, lots of financial struggles but YOU WILL BE FINE! I believe that your children will respect you more for getting yourself and them out of an unhealthy situation as well as give them the tools to empower themselves and potentially stop a vicious cycle. YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON and CAPABLE OF PROVIDING!
Just pack up the kids when he isn't home and go to your mom's. Don't tell him what your planning as it sounds like he is unstable - you don't know what he might do. If he starts harrassing you at your mom's get a restraining order ASAP - or before you leave if you have enough evidence to.
Oh man.....As a guy reading this it makes me sick. No woman or family should ever have to witness and/or endure the things you have written about. I 100% support all previous responses and agree that enough is enough. It's time to prepare, think and take action.
If you fear him retaliating when you make your move, have a restraining order in place when you plan to take your leave with the kids. Copy and paste your initial post, that's all the defense you will need. Once you move, be strong and know that your kids and you are better off without him.
I would support working on a marriage when there are workable issues that can be resolved BUT the deal breaker is abuse and you have seen and experienced all of the flags to solidify your decision.
I wish you the best in making your decision become a reality.
Yes... leave, Now! go stay with your Mom... even if it's in the same neighborhood, you can call the police if he comes down and is threatening you.
If you have proof of any of his threats, I would save that, you'll need it when you go to court to get full custody of your kids.
Go to your Mom, get an attorney, and tell them everything he's done, and all his threats, and ask them what is the next step.
If what your'e saying is true, this is not a situation to be taken lightly....
Saying he wanted to cut your brakes so you'd die? OMG... either he was joking and has a sick sense of humor, or he's the type that wishes he could do something like that, without getting caught.
And those are the types that will eventually go through with something like that.
You have had way too many warning signs...
Call your local authorities, visit the police station and talk to someone in the domestic violence section, to see what they can do, to help you, or if they have a protocol or advice as to how to proceed. A restraining order would be a good place to start, if you're afraid to leave.
Either way, you have to get away from this man. Even if things are fine for a while, a man that would do these kinds of things... is unpredictable.