CJay

My husband recently left to go stay with his mother (of course). He and I have communication issues which have led to his ignoring me, or shutting down, and to my nagging him for more attention. I took ownership for, apologized for, and have made an effort to work on using other ways to communicate with him when I'm frustrated. His response to my desire to work on our marriage, and seek counseling was something like, "I am not changing anything; you need counseling by yourself, I won't go. I love you and always will, and I don't want a divorce. I just want to do me for awhile". While he's "doing me" he's neglecting our child, because he spends his free time at the camp fishing. A few days ago he promised her, after she called him in tears saying she missed him, that he'd visit her after work. He didn't show. He didn't answer my text asking if he was still coming to visit. After a couple of hours he finally texted me, "I'll call when I'm done". Done doing what?? He didn't call. At 9 o'oclock, past my child's bed time, there's a knock on the door. It's my husband and he informs me he has bought a TRUCK, which is why he was late. I was angry, told him he must bring it back, we can't afford that and how dare he buy it behind my back without consulting me. Because I was angry, he stated he wanted a divorce. That I was too uptight and I never let him do what he wants. Here's the thing: he plays golf a couple of times a week, goes to the fishing camp almost every weekend, plays cards any time he wants to, and I never say a word about it. Last year, he left us for 6 months to "take a break" and he bought a computer and a CAR without consulting me. He had a truck that was paid off, wanted to save on gas so he HAD to have this car. Almost immediately after, he missed having a truck, and NEEDED a truck. Except both the car and truck were extravagant, much more expensive than something just for a need would be. The day after buying the truck, he shows up to our home and has completely changed his demeanor. Now he wants to work on things, and now he explains just how he got this truck we can't afford. He wrote a check for the down payment, a check for more than we have in our account. I asked, "where is the money for this check going to come from??" He stated, "I was going to empty my IRA, but when I went to do it today, I was unable to". !!!!! I asked what he was going to do. He states, "I can put a lean on your car". I said I absolutely did not want him to do that because my car is paid for, I plan to drive it till the wheels fall off, and I haven't done anything to deserve putting my car in jeopardy. So he decides to take out a personal loan for the down payment. So it boils down to him blowing off his child, emptying our bank account, and betraying his wife, just so that he could have this extravagant purchase.

I don't believe in divorce, I believe in working and working on the marriage, and that a marriage can overcome anything. Well, that's what I believed until this happened. I overcame the fact that he did it the last time that he left, and I believed the apologies and his declaration of guilt and shame. But he's gone and done it again. I wasn't a perfect wife by any means, but I have never betrayed him by talking badly about him to my family, or doing something behind his back like he has done to me. How can I ever trust him again? I'm in nursing school, and will graduate next May, and I want to save money, not blow every penny I make. Anytime he wants something that we agree on saving for or waiting a little while to purchase, he'll just leave to his enabling momma's and do it behind my back? Anytime we have something we need to talk about and work on, and possible to see a counselor for help with, he's going to choose to just run away to his family's home instead?

I've talked to our pastor, and even he says that this marriage may be unable to save due to these schemes my husband pulls. I'm sure someone's marriage has overcome more, but how can I compete with a selfish, childish, impulsive, "get what I want when I want it" man, and the enabling in laws that he pulls into our marriage?