It's a long story, but I will try to be as brief as possible.
My husband and I got together a little over two years ago. I was stupid (which I shouldn't have been being as I am in my early thirties) and contraception failed. We had my son (child #4 for me, #3 for him) a month after we married (my fault, again). He (my husband's first son, my 3rd) was born with a cleft lip (surgery was simple and easy at 4 months, he is doing AMAZING now- 14 months later).
Dealing with his exes (2) and my exes (2) has been tedious at best. I am finally forming a friendship with my ex #2, which is good considering we were abusive and oil & water where relationships go.
Aside from that he is being very demanding to my children (sons ages 16, 12, & daughter age 11) where he is more lenient with his own (daughters ages 15 & 8). We never see his oldest daughter. She lives out of state and she is at the age where she does not want to leave her home & friends to see him (I've met her twice).
Anyway, my problem is that he is very hard on my children and whenever we see his youngest daughter (which is irregular, because her mother is not following court order, and we can't afford lawyers to make her follow them) he changes into a different man. A different dad. TO ALL THE KIDS. I like that man. I think he is great with all the children when he is that man....
He just doesn't stay that man for long. He is playing xbox all the time with his brother, who is currently living (rent free & eating all our food) on our couch for the past 6 months and is often "going to work" at his buddies to play xbox there (his brother, that is). My husband complains about my sons wanting to play video games all the time, when he, himself, & his brother play just as much if not more than they do... on MY living room television!
We live in a small place... not enough room for 7 people to have access to video games, tv, computers, and all the other stuff everyone seems to want to do indoors....
Also, my husband hates my eldest son's g/f. I have my own misgivings, but that is what a mother does. I don't speak down to my kids (or their friends) and belittle them, however, like he does. CONSTANTLY.
Anyway, he is passing up sex with me to play his games. He is being an arrogant selfish jerk, our car is not running so I can't get a job, he is hanging out with his single loser brother talking about other women's chests with him, he will do things around the house when I start to nag or complain... but I just don't feel "it" there anymore.
I feel completely lost and confused and I don't want to be with him. I feel like I would feel better about myself, my children, my life... without HIM.
I don't want to leave him... I love him... sort of. It's hard to explain. I just don't know what to do.
I am starting to (irrationally, of course) dislike his other children (which makes me angry because I love all children... his exes making him feel bad make me angry at them and then I think maybe that makes me (again, irrationally) angry at his children, not to mention that he treats them MUCH better than mine, who actually TRY to please him). I don't know.
I am starting to feel like I ruined my life. I ruined my children's lives... I know there is more to this than I am saying right now, but I just can't stand it. I don't want to end in another divorce, but I hate feeling this way.
I'm starting to get jealous of his female friends. I am starting to get angry that he isn't spending time with me. I am starting to WISH I were single again. 7 years of being a single mom may contribute to that a bit as well as getting into a relationship and marrying so quickly....
I'm so confused. I hate myself. I know I am stupid, so please don't bring that up. I already know it.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.