I need to find the courage to leave...
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » I need to find the courage to leave...

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 06-12-2012, 03:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I need to find the courage to leave...

This will not be your typical "he treated me bad, get me out" story.

I am 28 years old, I've been with my husband since I was 19, and we've been married for 3 years. He is a good man. He's caring, and kind, and thoughtful.

I have never been madly in love with him. He was safe for me. My past before him when I was young, was very bad. Men were horrible to me, and when I met my husband, he was very safe, and different from all the others.

The steps were followed, date, move in, marry, buy house. We don't have any kids, because when it was brought up, all I could think, was that I didnt' want children with this man.

I took part in every choice in our life. I planned the wedding, I picked out the house. No one forced my hand. My husband is good to me. But I am very unhappy, and have been for years. We have no sexual relationship...maybe once a month. And that's not just a new things, it's always been like that. Our marriage has no passion, and I am not in love with him. I am a completely different person than I was 10 years ago, and now i've 'grown up' so to speak, and realized, this is not the man I want to be with.

How do I leave a man that has been so good to me? How do you tell your families "gee, I just didn't love him"?? I am so scared to leave due to the logistics, our house, how to live apart. I'm scared to hurt him, because really, he's done nothing wrong. This was my fault.

Another bit of info - before we were married, I had an affair, and I left him. I ended the engagement because I knew I wasn't happy. 48 hours later, I was so scared and alone, I crawled right back to the house, and begged him to forgive me. He did, and we married 5 months later.

Please help....I need to find the courage to leave for good this time. I simply want a divorce.
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Old 06-12-2012, 03:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

Oh, honey. There is never going to be a right time, and there is never going to be an easy time.

You just do it. That's all. He may well be a perfect man, but he is not the perfect man for you. So you just have to do it.

I will be thinking of you.
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Old 06-12-2012, 03:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

Your husband deserves better than a wife who is settling and living a lie.

And you deserve to find real happiness one of these days.

How do you admit to your family that you were too afraid to be alone so you let someone spend many years with you when you didn't love them? That's hard. You've got to find your 'bawls'.
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Old 06-12-2012, 03:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

Just file for divorvce and be done. It's not hard.

Please do this soon. Because you have been living a lie for nearly a decade with him and making believe you actually love him. I can't imagine anything more cruel/cold that you can do to someone.
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Old 06-12-2012, 05:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

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Just file for divorvce and be done. It's not hard.

Please do this soon. Because you have been living a lie for nearly a decade with him and making believe you actually love him. I can't imagine anything more cruel/cold that you can do to someone.
Can we please not judge SKal for what she did? I can guarantee that she's beaten herself up enough already, because I'm in the same situation and have been for 32 years.
My husband is a good, kind man -- caring, thoughtful, and devoted to me, great father . . . what more is there to say? We were both 23 when we married (dated for 5 years), and I did it because we had fun together and he made me feel safe. At the time I had untreated depression/anxiety and didn't know what I wanted for my life. I was a mess. Rationally I knew it wasn't right to marry someone I didn't love, but I was terrified of the black hole that was the alternative.

SKal, I feel your pain. I know how hard this is for you, especially because of his fine qualities. We both got married for the wrong reasons. You need to learn all you can from this and move on. You'll hurt him even more if you stay and pretend, and you won't be happy either. I don't think I deserve happiness, but you do. Good luck.
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Old 06-12-2012, 05:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

HiMaint, you deserve happiness, too.

We all make mistakes. It's okay.
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Old 06-12-2012, 06:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

Lamaga -- that's what my (grown) daughter says. It's just so hard to make myself believe it. But I can tell others they deserve happiness, like SKal.
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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SKal, I am sorry that you suffered the things you did as a child. My wife was sexually abused as a young child, and has suffered as a result for her entire life. We were married right out of college and are now in our early 50's.

I believe that our marriage was based on me being safe for her, much as you felt your husband was a safe choice for you. With all the discussions we have had this past year it is clear that she has always been in a very different place than I have with the marriage and the relationship.

I brought my own issues to the marriage, and she brought hers. So I am not going to blame everything on her or on the fallout of her abuse. But I will say that I fought for a better marriage for 30 years but never stood a chance because of the great divide between us. Perhaps different than your situation, my wife never told me of her abuse, and she never discussed with me her true visions of what a relationship or marriage should be.

How I wish my wife would have decided to divorce me when we were 28! That is, with hindsight I know that we both would have been spared decades of turmoil and anguish.

Ideally we would have found a way to connect and to build a wonderful marriage. But it was not possible.

If you are in the situation where you know you are not in the kind of marriage that you want, it is not only best for you to end the marriage, it is best for your husband for you to end the marriage.

Divorce does not have to be caused by infidelity, beatings, or vicious arguments. The result of divorce does not have to be hatred or misery.

It is quite admirable that you recognize the incompatibility in your marriage. Doing the right thing isn't necessarily an easy or pleasant thing, but ultimately it brings the best possible outcome.

Good luck to you.
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:16 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

SKal,

Are you happy and passionate in any other part of your life?
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Old 06-12-2012, 11:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

It is never easy to be the one that initiates divorce and the time is never right. You must move forward with it even in spite of fear and concerns providing you have done all that you can to save the marriage.

To Your Happiness,

Josh
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Old 06-12-2012, 11:10 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

i would leave. sex once a month for a loving couple is not normal and he must know that. it is hard to be alone. the sooner you do it, then the better you will feel. your not happy, and its not your fault. he treats you so good that you just continue to be unhappy to make him happy. you also deserve to be happy. i wouldnt worrie what your family thinks. they cant live your life for you, only you can. good luck on making your future better.
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Old 06-13-2012, 01:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I have to give it to you, Skal, for not jumping from one abusive relationship into another.....and another.....and another. That's the common pattern that results when women are mistreated. But you had more sense than that, and I commend you for it.

But, I don't believe worthwhile people should be disposable. I believe you and your husband deserve better, which is for you to try. I know you've been there, but you haven't been trying.

So, may I be a different voice and ask you to find a different kind of courage? Not the courage to leave but the courage to make an effort to change the dynamic of your relationship. You are like any other woman, and we women need to feel loved and desired, we need passion, and we need to be IN love. I believe it's worth trying to make that happen with your husband. May I ask you to give it a try for x amount of time?

I realize it is not commonly believed that people can change, but that's not always the case. It's possible you married an innocent (not worldly) man who hasn't much of a sex drive. But, you can educate him, and you can build his libido. The place to start with that is at his doctor's office. Make an appointment to have his testosterone levels checked. I bet they are off the grid and through the floor......laying somewhere in the basement. He can begin a hormone therapy that will make a dramatic difference. Then, there are books, websites, and videos that will teach him how to please you in bed. The two of you can have big fun re-discovering each other and him learning how to rock your world.

Next, I also know how important it is for a woman to be able to look up to her man. His confidence and ability to win our admiration is what promotes love and respect. Yours may be an innocent and gentle man, whereas you need him to be stronger and more manly. There are books and sites for that also. I suggest he can begin by reading Alpha and Beta Male Traits (you should read too) and other articles on Athol Kay's website, and get him the book, Married Man Sex Life Primer. He doesn't have to follow Athol to the letter, but he'll learn a lot about the laws of attraction and how to pique your interest in him. That's all it appears your relationship is lacking. You need him to be less safe and less boring. He can learn what he needs to do.

Promise yourself (keep it to yourself) to give him a year and in that time, you have to allow yourself to both be supportive and to respond to his efforts. If he makes the effort, I believe you will find him as worthy and exciting as any man can be - any man who is worth being with, that is. I think making him the man you need him to be is worth your commitment for at least that measely year. There is no telling how many awful men you'd have to go through to get the one you hope to find, when you can make the good one you already have even better.

Last edited by River1977; 06-13-2012 at 01:32 AM.
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:07 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by HiMaint57 View Post
Can we please not judge SKal for what she did? I can guarantee that she's beaten herself up enough already, because I'm in the same situation and have been for 32 years.
My husband is a good, kind man -- caring, thoughtful, and devoted to me, great father . . . what more is there to say? We were both 23 when we married (dated for 5 years), and I did it because we had fun together and he made me feel safe. At the time I had untreated depression/anxiety and didn't know what I wanted for my life. I was a mess. Rationally I knew it wasn't right to marry someone I didn't love, but I was terrified of the black hole that was the alternative.
OP doesnt get a pass from me. She came to an open forum, told her story, so she is going to get a lot of opinions/advice on the matter.

To me, it is completely selfish to marry someone you do not love, making them think you love them, and convincing them you love them, when you do not love them.

So the end reuslt is the same: she should divorce him fast, not wasting any more of his time (or hers). She should be honest with him and tell him she does not love him, never has, and not string him along. Because the divorce will be easier to accept for him that way, if she honest (finally). If she bullsh!ts him saying she always loved him and blah blah blah it's: 1. a lie and 2. going to confuse him and make the divorce more difficult to accept. Especially if he's blind-sided.

They were not meant to be, ever. Their entire marriage was based on a false pretense. And to me, that is as cold as ice.
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Last edited by Jellybeans; 06-13-2012 at 08:12 AM.
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Old 06-13-2012, 09:27 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

The only thing I can suggest, which worked for me in the end, is to ask yourself not what will it be like if you leave, but what will it be like if you stay? Imagine yourself spending the next 10 or 20 years in a state of permanent limbo with someone you don't love. Imagine the pain that will cause him too. However much suffering you'll both go through in the short term it will be as nothing compared to the alternative.
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Old 06-13-2012, 10:14 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I have to give it to you, Skal, for not jumping from one abusive relationship into another.....and another.....and another. That's the common pattern that results when women are mistreated. But you had more sense than that, and I commend you for it.

But, I don't believe worthwhile people should be disposable. I believe you and your husband deserve better, which is for you to try. I know you've been there, but you haven't been trying.

So, may I be a different voice and ask you to find a different kind of courage? Not the courage to leave but the courage to make an effort to change the dynamic of your relationship.
River, I was thinking last evening about SKal and had some similar thoughts.

Because of my situation having similarities, I can look at myself as possibly having some similar characteristics as her husband. I was definitely The Nicest Guy You'd Ever Meet. Or, more honestly I was pathologically Nice. The book No More Mr. Nice Guy has helped me tremendously.

There is a good chance that SKal paired up with a dysfunctional man, because dysfunctional people tend to find dysfunctional mates. He, being safe, may well have some toxic shame around sex. Plus maybe some other issues which are classic No More Mr. Nice Guy. In my opinion NMMNG is a better starting point than Athol Kay for the dysfunctional male.

Having an open and honest dialog with her husband is really the place to start. A good marriage therapist could help guide them. Our MC uses a variety of excellent books to help, such as "5 Love Languages" and "How to Get the Love You Want".

My concern for SKal is that she not get distracted in a never ending loop of trying to force this marriage to work. Yes it is worth making an honest effort, but also it is necessary to be true to her own self.

SKal, have you had therapy for the trauma you experienced?
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