I really commend you, RT50, for recognizing it has to stop. I want you to know you are not alone because I know you feel like you are. I also want you to know you are exhibiting the typical signs of an abused woman. You've finally reached the point that you want it to be over but are unable to let it go. I must admit your husband is an expert at psychological control, and now you just feel worn down.
His position that he does certain things to get through to you is psychological abuse. The reason he says things like that is to obligate you to him and to confound you in order to make you think and feel so very incapable of understanding anything. You will try very hard to see these magnanimous efforts of his but will never find them. You will rack your brain to figure out what he means but will never understand them. And he will never explain because they are empty statements that are evidence of nothing. See what I mean? You are rightfully confused, as it is his intention to only confuse you. Until you understand it is only his tactic and not meant to make any sense and never will make any sense, then you will forever feel confused, beholden, obligated, responsible, and unable to tear yourself away. You will even try to devise ways to cling to your abuser.
It is common for abused women to stay. As result of the abuse, they think they want to stay, they should stay, or they convince themselves of what appear to be legitimate reasons that they cannot leave, such as children, finances, love, nowhere to go, etc.
That he refuses counseling is also typical of abusers. What he's saying is he refuses to change and doesn't want an authority figure to tell him he should. I wouldn't be surprised if he flipped your suggestion and dumped it on your head to suggest you are the one who needs help.
Don't fall for anymore of his antics. Refuse to be controlled by him any longer. I know it feels sad to finally come to the conclusion to end your marriage, but you don't have to feel you failed at the marriage because its demise is not your fault. You cannot change him and you cannot make him want to change, therefore you are not responsible for success or failure. He completely refuses to change by refusing help for the marriage.
I urge you to let go and walk away. Typical to the abuser's nature, he is going to promise you the world to get you back, including promises to attend marriage counseling. You will want to believe him. You will want to go back. But you cannot go back too soon. You have to hold out until he exhibits real effort to keep his promises, and that means attending counseling for at least a month. Try very hard to be strong and overcome your emotional urges to go back to him. Believe me, this is also a typical state and a typical stage, so you have to resist. If you go back too soon, nothing will improve for more than a couple weeks and then go right back to his usual abusive antics. You will feel drawn to each other and go at it like rabbits, but that's just the honeymoon phase. Honeymoons don't last a lifetime.
Be selective in choosing a marriage counselor to find one that is experienced in working with abusive relationships. However, you may find that you have to shop around for counselors before finding the right fit. Don't let anyone jump down your husband's throat. It might make you feel good to finally have someone telling him what he needs to hear and validating what you've been going through, but it will be counterproductive. He will reject it and feel alienated. A good counselor won't do that and will have better ways to place you both on a goal-oriented road to better communication skills and conflict resolution.
Also, get into individual counseling to help yourself heal from the abuse. By calling the domestic abuse hotline or dialing 211, they will help you find local women's abuse centers that have free counseling available. It's very important you understand what you have been living with and that you understand the Cycles of Abuse
. They can help you with all of that.