Eli-Zor you are right also he is taking too much of my time. I don't feel i want to give it to him.
WhereAmI what you said and always uptown and everyone assisting me keep saying it, it is true he is manipulative, he didn't want to suicide. He called my sS14 today amd told him that he just said that because he was so sad bt he was not going to suicide.
Ii will make sure the therapist will hep to ask him to not get mad if i don't answer his phone calls I need to remain NC with him as everyone suggested and it's enough the time i am going to give for the therapy.
that_girl I believe the couples therapist is going to be a great help for me in this point. Very soon they will know how unstable he is and if he threatened again they will report it.
that_girl I believe the couples therapist is going to be a great help for me in this point. Very soon they will know how unstable he is and if he threatened again they will report it.
LVS, how is a report from the couples therapist better than a report to the police from you, backed up by voice recordings (e.g., on the phone) of said events? I ask because, in my 15 years of experience with MCs and ICs, I found the marriage counselors to be absolutely useless when you have a BPDer partner.
Although the ICs can be extremely useful when a BPDer works hard in therapy for several years, I would be surprised if as many as 1 in 100 BPDers are willing to do so. Even when they stay in therapy -- as my BPDer exW did for 15 years at enormous cost to me -- many of them only play mind games with the therapist. This is why I regard Pidge to be one of those rare gems who have the self awareness and ego strength to stay in therapy long enough, and to work hard enough, to make a difference.
Pretty hard to be NC when you're in couples therapy, innit? The time for couples therapy was back when you were a couple, not after your divorce. Unless, of course, you don't want to be divorced...
Pretty hard to be NC when you're in couples therapy, innit? The time for couples therapy was back when you were a couple, not after your divorce. Unless, of course, you don't want to be divorced...
C
No it is not a marriage counseling and they said couple counseling is not only for people who want to be together. I told them i don't want to go back to him i also told them about his threat to suicide. I told them my goal is to help him to move on with his life without me and to deal better with the kids and respect my boundaries. And first thing i want to request is that our contact will be limited to the therapy sessions.
LVS, how is a report from the couples therapist better than a report to the police from you, backed up by voice recordings (e.g., on the phone) of said events? I ask because, in my 15 years of experience with MCs and ICs, I found the marriage counselors to be absolutely useless when you have a BPDer partner.
Although the ICs can be extremely useful when a BPDer works hard in therapy for several years, I would be surprised if as many as 1 in 100 BPDers are willing to do so. Even when they stay in therapy -- as my BPDer exW did for 15 years at enormous cost to me -- many of them only play mind games with the therapist. This is why I regard Pidge to be one of those rare gems who have the self awareness and ego strength to stay in therapy long enough, and to work hard enough, to make a difference.
I can't say anything, i totally agree with you. I wish i thought to record him on Monday when he was yelling and screaming at me by my car.
I was telling my friend coworker today when she was askiing me to keep hope i said that I am losing hope of the counseling that it is going to help in anything but trap me more with him and give him more power... I said that now as i am looking back to my experience with him i can picture what he is going to do... The same like your exw uptown mind games to the therapist and to everyone we know starting with our kids to prove that he is getting treatment and getting better and i should take him back.
Yes, LVS, the MC is just another trap IMO. It is in your best interest to complete the annulment. If he has the self awareness and ego strength to go to an IC for several years and change his behavior -- an extremely unlikely event -- you can always remarry him later. Remember, IC also will be totally useless if he is not doing the therapy for himself, out of a strong desire to get well. Hence, if IC is going to work, it should work even though you are not living with him. He must do it for himself, not for you.
Yes, LVS, the MC is just another trap IMO. It is in your best interest to complete the annulment. If he has the self awareness and ego strength to go to an IC for several years and change his behavior -- an extremely unlikely event -- you can always remarry him later. Remember, IC also will be totally useless if he is not doing the therapy for himself, out of a strong desire to get well. Hence, if IC is going to work, it should work even though you are not living with him. He must do it for himself, not for you.
Sometimes i wish i don't have kids with him i would be gone to a different state or somewhere where i can move on with my life and i don't need to be in contact with him for any reason
I feel always that i am still trapped.
Uptown you said you can always remarry him later when i read something like that i feel pain in my heart and short of breath, I don't want to go back to him this is how i feel and i feel so bad that i don't want to reconcile even if one day he came to me the man of my dreams...
Uptown you said you can always remarry him later when i read something like that i feel pain in my heart and short of breath, I don't want to go back to him this is how i feel and i feel so bad that i don't want to reconcile even if one day he came to me the man of my dreams...
LVS, yes, I said you always have that option in the very unlikely event he greatly improves. I am NOT saying, however, that it would be wise to go down that path, given the nearly-30 years of pain that man has caused you. The pain is now so strongly associated with him that, whenever he is present, you will automatically feel in great distress.
It reminds me of how my mother used to "cover up" the awful taste of caster oil by putting it in a glass of orange juice. Although she stopped giving us cater oil by the time I was 12, I was unable to drink orange juice until I was in my thirties. Similarly, I loved raw beets so much that I gorged on them at the age of 8 -- to the point of having a terrible stomach ache the rest of the day. I therefore couldn't stand to be in the same room with the smell of beets until I was in my 40's.
My point, then, is that your exH -- due to his 30 years of abusive and belittling behavior -- is the equivalent of orange juice and beets for you. Importantly, that bad feeling is an instinctual, protective feeling that is essential to your survival. Hence, there is no reason -- absolutely no reason at all -- you should feel guilty about wanting to avoid him and never see him again. On the contrary, that is a strong sign of emotional health, IMO.
Uptown you are correct and you gave me a perfect example you inspired me to mention this pain it in the therapy session I said that i don't hate him as he always says i forgive him i pray for him but i don't need to live with him. Also i don't try to be rude or mean when he tries to talk about going back to him but what provokes my reactions is the pain that is associated to him every time i hear his name or his voice or see him all the pain from the past years come back to me.(same as you said Uptown) I mentioned about Pavlov theory about stimuli and response in the trials the dogs would be exposed to the sound of the metronome at the same time the food would be presented to them and after being exposed to several trials the dogs associated the sound of metronome to the food and every time the dogs hear the sound they start salivating as response. And this is how i feel with him PAIN.
Yesterday was our first couples therapy. The therapist asked about our purpose of doing this therapy.
My exh said that what happened last week opened widely his eyes and life is short and doesn't worth to live in drama.... He said he mistreated me a lot and i was patient until i couldn't handle anymore so i decided to leave him. He also said that he will always keep the hope for me to go back to him but he can't force me to do so and if one day i want to marry someone else i am free to do it... He said he was dealing with selfishness before now but now he changed and just want me to be happy ( i feel it is a new way to show everyone that he changed. or maybe someone suggested to him to give me distance because the way he is acting is pushing me away)
I said i recall when i first left you you said the same thing and that what happened opened your eyes also you said it in different occasions but nothing changed.... He said no this time is totally different and by you speaking to your brother and by him contacting me it made a lot of changes in me.
Anyway i said i am here because i am following a suggestion from my brother who spoke to my exh last week when my ex was in very bad emotional situation. So i accepted to come here so he can move on with his life and when he has to talk to me it should be with respect and not involving the kids in our problems.
He was so positive talking very nice and also said that it wasn't right to get the kids involved .
After the therapy session he told me that he is honest about all what he said and he discovered lately that two of his cousins have terminal cancer it is sad and life is short to live it in drama
I want to believe him but with all the history together i can't do that i will wait and see.
I also will try if he can get to IC that way i don't need to be with him
Update
I forgot to mention that my exh, after my brother spoke to him and i agreed to the family therapy, he is no more sleeping in his car, he started staying at his mother's apt. (now he can stay there)
My D24 came to visit yesterday after spending some time with her brother and sister with their father. They said their father looked soooo happy!!!!
I said i wonder why he is so much happy. I told my kids what he said in the therapy session and i told them what is my goal from doing therapy. My kids didn't comment but seemed confused...
My D24 asked me if i agree to go meet with them at her apt next week all my ex in-laws and my exh are going to visit her and celebrate all together her 25th birthday. (I was planning to take my kids and go to visit and celebrate with her on the same day) I said: "i can't go bc it will be understood that i am trying to fix things and go back to your dad"
My D19 said you can call dad and explain your point so he won't hope for anything... I said if i say it day and night he won't change what he is hoping to get.
My D24 said: " think of it mom i don't want to pressure you but it will be good to have you sharing this time with us...."
I know you readers and posters on my thread see clearer the situation, any input is appreciated!!!
LVS, I agree with you that your D24 should plan to celebrate the day separately with you and your Ex. Other families deal with this by having two separate meetings on a day. Big events like a wedding, of course, would be handled differently.
I haven't spoke to my D24 yet but i am sure i am not going to join my exh and his family.
Tomorrow the second Therapy session even it is something that is going to help me to get what i want but i am not looking forward to go, all the process is frustrating me...
I want to talk little bit about my feelings. All what i am going through is adding more stress, insecurity and desperation to my life.
Today i was feeling frustrated and sad. I need to move on with my life and i am stuck and it seems for a long time, I need to get over with the annulment and this process is not going to end IF it is going to end!!!, I started feeling resentment toward one of the most valuable things in my life which is my church, I need to cry and i am holding back tears, I need to enjoy life and i don't have motivation.... Those thoughts are drowning me in a deep sorrow.
All what i am struggling in are giving me this fear that it's a matter of time and i will be going back to my exh. I am spending lot of time thinking how to try to accept this faked fact BUT by thinking this way i feel more sadness, losing interest in everything and not looking for any bright future...
Thanks for your time reading and/or posting in my thread...
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