Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Please help! My husband criticizes my every move

20K views 19 replies 5 participants last post by  River1977 
#1 ·
This is a bit long but I am looking for unbiased opinions. Thank you in advance.
First a little background. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 6 years, living together for 8. I have a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship and her father is not involved in her life, so my husband has raised her with me since she was young.
When I first met my husband, I was a pretty messy person and pretty irresponsible (I was 24.) My mom always picked up after me and did everything for me. My husband criticized me a lot and really taught me how to be more responsible – which I needed. Well, now that we have been together for 9 years, we still have this type of relationship. He is constantly criticizing me, and nit picking. He also talks crap about me to my daughter, calling me a lazy ass. We are usually in an argument or fight and it has been this for the past 3 years or so, and has gotten progressively worse. If we aren’t fighting, I feel he has to look for something to complain about. For example, my daughter told me he recently brought up some stuff that happened EIGHT YEARS AGO when we first moved in together. And these were SMALL things (like breaking his remote control and “ruining his blanket”. I honestly don’t even remember this.. it was so long ago.)
I do admit that he does do more housework than me, but I also want to point out that I work between 10 and 14 hours a day. He works 8. I also do most of the driving when it comes to my daughter (to school, dance, etc..) I bring home more money and pay for 90% of everything for my daughter including her phone, chores, school supplies, clothes, and dance.
I find myself not wanting to be around him. I think it is because when he’s not criticizing me, he is telling me I don’t care about him or love him. He says I’m not affectionate enough. Nothing I do is EVER enough. No matter how hard I try, how hard I work, he finds something wrong with me. And if he doesn’t, he goes back eight years and brings up old stuff.
I am 99% sure this marriage is over and thinking about that is relieving. I love him, but I really cannot live like this anymore. I am extremely unhappy and it seems like he is too. We fight, and then we make up and he says he will be better but we always fall right back to where we are now.
He will not do marriage counseling. He said it will not work and he refuses.
Is my marriage over?
 
See less See more
#2 ·
Tell him if he won't do counseling or work on some key changes you need, your marriage likely will not survive and/or you want a separation. Your marriage is not necessarily over but you have the right to insist on his cooperation. You also have a duty to make him aware of the seriousness of your feelings and the situation as you perceive it. You also have to have the strength and self-respect to stand up for what you deserve, which is a man who values and cherishes and relates to you in a mainly positive way.
 
#3 ·
What does he say when you tell him that you pay 90% of the expenses for your child?

What does he say when you say that you work longer hours so it makes sense he should do more housework?

How much of your feelings about all of this have you told him ?
 
#4 · (Edited)
1 - I make more than him, so this is just how our expenses even out. He says if I need help with things for her, I should ask him.

2 - We fight, we don't talk for 3-4 days, then we make up and I explain to him again that my days are jam packed. He always ends up saying he will never bother me again about housework, but 1-2 weeks later he is on my ass again. and the cycle repeats itself.
The most recent thing he picked on was that the area rugs are a mess in the mornings.. we have dogs, so they probably mess them up after I leave.. He often picks on me for things that are not even my fault (that is just one example.)

3 - All of them. Like I said, this is a constant cycle. We always have good talks and make up, but then we go right back to where we were.
 
#5 ·
bradt - thanks. I have tried this. He said if we have to do counseling we mine as well end things. he makes me feel like everything is 100% my fault and I really think he is afraid of someone else besides me saying things are his fault too.

I do need to talk to him again about the seriousness of my feelings, although I believe he is aware. I am avoiding talking to him right now and I don't really know why. I am at the point where I am ready to give up on our relationship. I want it to be over and I am just now realizing that.

We haven't spoke in days and this is not uncommon.
 
#7 ·
You have to be firm and strong and make him see you are serious. The outcome if you don't stand up for yourself now, is that counseling will make no difference later, your feelings will have reached a point practically beyond repair, and it sounds like its very close to passing that point already. If he walks, so be it, a breakdown is going to happen anyway without his cooperation. Better to face the music early.
 
  • Like
Reactions: moxy
#6 ·
Regarding expenses for my daughter, I also want to mention he thinks paying for dance is like throwing money down the toilet. My daughter is on the HS dance team and it's about $2,000 a year. he refuses to help with any of those expenses.
she is a wonderful dancer and I think it's important for her to be a part of a team. It keeps her healthy, busy, and out of trouble.
she wants to be a dance instructor one day so I do not see this as a waste of money.
 
#8 ·
I agree with you that if she loves dance this is important both as a good activity and as a possible career choice. If she wants a career in dance which includes teaching, this is well worth encouraging. Keep paying for it.

I don't know what to say about your husband. It's easy to just say to leave him. But surely there is something that will shock him out of this behavior.

You work a lot of hours. Could it be that the two of you have become emotionally disconnected because you two do not spend enough time together? Is it easier for him to complain about throw rugs instead of you working all those hours? After all, you bring in the major support for the family. He might thing he'd look like a fool for complaining that your are contributing majorly to the support of the family.

Or could he be unhappy on some level because you earn more than he does? As another woman who earns more than my husband I've seen this be an issue. And again, how can he bring this up without looking like a dope? If he says it makes him feel less like a man because you earn more.. than he looks silly. Shoot, then he should just get out there and earn more.

On one thread around here someone posted a statistic that when the wife earns significantly more than the husband, the husband is much more likely to cheat on her than when the man earns more.

The male ego is sometimes hard to figure out.
 
#13 ·
I will address some of your questions.
EleGirl – I work a lot of hours, but he works nights. We only see each other on the weekends. I can guarantee this is a HUGE problem for us… It just doesn’t give us much quality time. Our phone conversations can only be so deep because either he’s at work or I’m at work. It really doesn’t give us much time to work on our problems either.
Also I can’t have him move out.. it’s his moms house. I would have to move out, which I am okay with.
I completely agree with you Moxy.
River1977 – are you a therapist? Nice observations. You are right… I feel like I have to justify things that don’t need to be justified. My husband calls them “excuses.”
I actually came here looking for someone to tell me it’s okay to leave him. I feel bad, but he has pushed me to the point where I don’t even want counseling anymore. Even if he were to go, I am just not invested in this marriage anymore. He has threatened divorce so many times and I’m always the one to say we can get through it. I no longer feel that way.
I decided to ignore our problems yesterday since it was father’s day. We got along great… I just don’t understand why he can’t always be like that.
I think I’ll do a trial separation.. I want to see what it feels like to be on my own again… I am SO afraid to tell him.
Thank you all so much for your feedback. I REALLY appreciate you taking the time.
 
#14 ·
Counseling could be worth it. Why not just tell him you both have to do counseling or THEN you WILL want a separation? What do you have to lose by warning him first? He may surprise you at his willingness to work on change. That would be a tough road but listen -- separation and divorce is REALLY MUCH TOUGHER, esp. with kids. It can get VERY ugly. Most men react to separation in ways that are VERY unattractive. Your 99% feeling it's over could go to 99.99% FAST in a separation situation. Or he could play it cool and win you over, but that's unlikely. If you want your marriage to work, to try for that 1%, to give change every possible chance, counseling isn't easy but it's probably a MUCH better chance for you than moving straight to separation.
 
#16 ·
Well, I talked to my husband tonight. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him I feel he treats me like a child. He said it’s because I act like one. He said I never clean up after myself (which is a complete lie) and said I never participate in cleaning up the kitchen (also a lie.) He said all I do is go to work, come home, and go to bed… yeah because I work long days! It’s like he doesn’t realize that or something. He said he cleans for 4 hours a day, which is REALLY over exaggerated. I come home to a messy kitchen all the time.
He said as long as he notices things I need to change and improve, he’s going to let me know and if I don’t like it, I can leave. He said I haven’t respected him for over 2 years, and I said, "if I act like I’m not respecting you it’s probably because you are constantly on my case about something. If you are constantly disagreeing with everything I do, eventually I'm not going to care." I told him I needed it when we first got together and I was younger, but I no longer do... I am now much better at managing my money, my cleanliness, everything, and he said I haven’t changed at all, which is COMPLETELY untrue. So in other words he's saying he has been trying to get me to change for 8 years and I won't so I'm not good enough for him.
He said he doesn’t care about our relationship anymore. He is tired of caring.
I am not sure what world he is living in.
Our marriage is over and I am relieved.
 
#20 ·
So, you told him he treats you like a child, and he responded by treating you like a child. Alrighty then.

I don't believe he means he doesn't care. When you move out (or as you begin packing), he is likely going to have a change of heart and try to talk again.

First and foremost - before you do anything at all - go and talk with an attorney ASAP. You need to know what your rights are, what exactly you should do and when (such as filing for child/spousal support and anything else he will advise), and what you can expect. If there is a joint bank account, go and take out half the money. Hopefully, he hasn't taken all the money out yet. You mention his mother put down the money for the house but unless it is in her name, you have as much rights to it as he does. If it is in her name and this was done after the two of you married, it might have been to prevent you from getting it should you and he ever divorce. It is also a possiblity that his name is on it also. You probably know exactly how it goes. If you don't know, an attorney or real estate agent can find out. You can find out also because it is a public record. I looked up mine and anyone else I was curious about by searching the city records, but sorry I don't remember what site you should go to. You can still go to the department of records in your city or ask someone you know (attorney or real estate agent) how to find out. Just don't believe whatever he might have told you unless you know for certain it's the truth.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top