he thinks paying for dance is like throwing money down the toilet. My daughter is on the HS dance team and it's about $2,000 a year. he refuses to help with any of those expenses.
she is a wonderful dancer and I think it's important for her to be a part of a team. It keeps her healthy, busy, and out of trouble. she wants to be a dance instructor one day so I do not see this as a waste of money.
Have you ever heard the saying that women marry their father? Most people who hear that confuse the translation to mean women marry men who act like herr father, or women marry men who look like her father. It used to be a rather popular saying but for the life of me, I could never figure out what it meant because I'd look around and never EVER see a guy who looked like his wife's father. Have you ever seen that? Have you ever seen it so often that it could qualify that statement as true? And, of course, there is the added yuck factor. I briefly - very briefly LOL - dated a guy who looked exactly like my father. It was uncanny......and felt extremely strange. He looked like my dad, walked like my dad, had motions and mannerisms just like my dad. It felt soooo weird that I could not bring myself to even kiss the guy. This yuck factor coupled with the fact that it just doesn't happen to be that men look like their wife's father led me to believe the statement is entirely untrue.
But, it is true. It is VERY true because that is not the meaning of the statement. As I grew older, I began to realize that not all things, not all sayings have an obvious meaning. Some things have an underlying or abstract meaning, which make them as true and inarguable as those that are plain and simple and obvious.
Women marry their father because she becomes like his child. He treats her like a child, and she acts like his child. Obviously, the saying doesn't apply to every single woman on the planet, but it is safe to assert this is mainly true of young women - young women who marry young men, and most especially young women who marry older men. Young women don't know any better because they've not yet turned into their own person. This is something that happens upon maturity. Usually, by her late 20s or early 30s, women begin to smell themselves and become more confident in themselves and more aware of their own needs, their own desires, and their own abilities. A woman gains a much higher and more enlightened sense of self. In a lot of cases, older women look back on their younger selves and can't believe how naive, if not stupid, they were back then. If nothing else, their older self realizes they neither need nor want their husband's constant guidance as if she is incapable, nor his constant criticisms as if she is not qualified, nor his limited opinion of her. She reaches the age where she's learned to rely on herself and not him, and she refuses to allow the opinion and treatment of her husband to determine her identity or her worth. She prefers to share a happy married life of mutual respect or begin over again with someone who shows her respect and didn't know her during those years that she knew nothing more than to rely on a man as if he were her father.
This is where you are right now. You are struggling to break out of the mold that you once felt you needed this relationship to be. You have grown older and wiser, and now you don't need or want that kind of dynamic in your marriage. You want to be married to your husband, not the father-figure you looked up to and relied on for guidance, permission, and approval. You want his respect, but you first have to stop acting like his child.
In the "first thing" that I quoted from you, you expressed his disdain for the expense of your daughter's dance team.
In the "second thing" that I quoted, you give all the reasons your daughter's dance is an important expense.
What you don't realize is.......no one asked for those reasons. No one here did, so you didn't have to give us your reasons to justify the expense to us. But, you are accustomed to doing that with your husband. This is just one area in which you are trained to earn his approval and in this case, you feel you have to justify what you do with why you do it.
When you stop those old habits borne of your younger and immature self, you will free yourself from the bondage of seeking his approval and learn to rely completely on your own judgment. You will never know everything there is to know. You will not always make the right decisions. What matters, though, is to have enough confidence in yourself to make the decisions and to learn from your mistakes.......just like the rest of us.
I don't know that there is anything you can do to make him stop acting like your father though. It is very difficult, demeaning, and belittling to live under someone's constant judgment and criticisms. That he refuses marriage couseling means you have a choice to make. One choice is to live with him the way he is and accept he will never stop acting like your father. The other option is to leave because that's the only way to make him stop. What I suggest is you first impress upon him that your marriage depends on you both attending marriage counseling. If he still refuses, then you have to have the nerve to go. Although you should expect that leaving will mean the end of your marriage, leaving very often turns out to be a very effective wake up call. Ordinarily, he won't want the marriage to end and will make all kinds of empty promises to get you to come back. But, don't go back too soon. Make sure he lives up to those promises and does actually attends counseling and fully participates at least a month, if not two, before you go back to him. Otherwise, you can expect that all the promises he made to be completely forgotten within about two weeks after you walk back through the door. If he doesn't participate or if you see no real progress, then going back is up to you although you cannot expect any real change from him. Another note is that you cannot stop counseling and cannot allow him to convince you the marriage no longer needs counseling. Keep going for at least a year if for no other reason than to keep him moving in the right direction of learning to respect you and your boundaries.
I can understand you probably came here looking for ways or words to make your husband change. But, changing is more up to you because you cannot make him change, and we don't have any magic words to make it happen. Nobody does. This is entirely up to you to do. And, something I learned from the men on these forums in their own words is men respond to actions, not words.