Personally, it doesn't look good, but if she is still willing to go to counseling then go anyway. Go by yourself even if she won't. It could only do you good in your next relationship even if it doesn't help this one. Who knows, it might. If you feel that it's worth fighting for, don't stop. Don't be weak, but don't stop trying.
It might not be what you want to hear, but if she does leave and hooks up with this guy, it will probably blow up in her face. He doesn't seem like a very moral person in the first place. At least you know that you can be strong and that you tried when she didn't.
We went to counseling last night and she didn't reject the counselors next appointment but she was very adoment that she was through and had given up. She took the appointment card from the counselor and was kind of on the fence about a 'therapeutic separation'. There are so many things I've said to hurt her and vise versa but she just can't forgive me for those things I said and we were very young when these things were said. When we were young and a guy would be talking to her I would ask her 'you sure this guy isn't trying to get in your pants?' And she interpreted that as me saying 'why would anyone talk to you except for sex'. I never said that and even years ago I tried to tell her that's not what I was saying. This was well over 10 years ago and she still won't forgive me for that. I can understand why she would see it that way. There are so many things that each of us has done to hurt the other and I've long since forgiven her but she still hangs on to things. She can't forgive me.
I can understand exactly where you're coming from on the misinterpretation of words and actions. For example, sometimes I would have a beer before coming home from work after a stressful day. Not drunk or over the limit by any means, but my wife could smell it. She told me just recently that she felt I couldn't stand being around her or have sex with her unless I had a beer. I've also told her that this wasn't the reason behind my actions and that by holding this in for so long she has done damage to her own self esteem. I explained that if I felt relaxed after work then I was generally more open and felt like doing more when I got home than just lye around the house. Of course after seven years the feeling are so deeply set that I'm not sure anyone but a therapist could help her get past them. At least I hope they can and I hope that it will help your wife as well. Hang in there man, at least she's still going with you to the counseling. I wish you the best!
Is there any advice on what to do about this other guy she keeps e-mailing, texting, phoning and vise versa? I'm paying for my wife to have an emotional affair with another man. I just really don't know how to handle it and it's driving me insane. I'm thinking about moving out until she gets settled somewhere else but should I do that? She's the one that wants to leave. She can't afford the house payment or anything else for that matter since she's not working. I guess I should see a lawyer to see what actions I need to take to prepare for the worst.
wow. when i read your posts...i feel like i am reliving my actions! after i told my husband it was over and refused counseling, i started seeing someone. i kept telling myself that because i had told my husband it was over, it was ok and i wasn't doing anything wrong. my therapist (i saw one solo for a while) told me this guy was my catalyst and i think she was right. i was unhappy in my marriage and he was my way out...or at least someone who i thought was going to make everything better and make all my problems disappear. my husband eventually found out and it was via my cell phone...texting, call history etc.
i guess what i am trying to say is...are you prepared to take her back if she commits adultery? if not...see a lawyer. i have a feeling she is thinking/going through what i did...she thinks this guy will make her happy and will make everything better. it might take some time but she will probably end up as i did. finding out the grass on the other side of the fence is the same color as the side she is on. that problems just don't magically disappear by running away from them. was there a time in your marriage when you loved each other conditionally? remind her of the years you have spent together, that you love her. again and again...it will eventually sink in.
if you are willing to wait it out and give her space (and i am not saying you should...i can't believe my husband did) i have a feeling she will come to same realization i did.
my husband and i are doing well. we take things one day at a time and communicate about everything. i think we both realize the hurt we have put each other thru and nothing is left unsaid. it hurts more to let it bottle up. and as selfish as this sounds...i am having more trouble forgiving myself than he is forgiving me. encourage her to see a therapist by herself. it sounds to me like she is really unhappy/depressed and she thinks this other guy will make her happy.
After reading your posts I feel like your "wife" is me. My husband and I have been living in the same house but in seperate rooms since the end of September. I just returned from a three week out of town trip due to a death in the family. I was hoping I would feel different about the relationship but I do not. He is finally doing all those things I have wanted for years ie. wanting hugs, holding hands, snuggling etc. and now it just makes me blah. He is being so sweet it makes my teeth hurt. I keep telling him to give me time, but he is almost smothering me and I do not know what do to. We have been married 18 years and have four children, three at home. I to like your wife feel like it is too little to late. I am educated, have a good job, however, my self esteem is shot. I want better, personally, emotionally and I feel like the only person who can do that for me is myself. I do not wish ill of my husband, I do love him but do not think I am "in" love with him.
Should I turn my wifes texting options off on her cell phone? I know she is still texting this guy and she isn't working. I'm paying for all this to go on and it's killing me. I don't know if she realizes how much she is hurting me. She found out about the keylogger I put on the computer and of course got very angry and said whats happening between her and this guy is unfortunate.....UNFORTUNATE!! When I stub my toe, it's unfortunate...when I lose my keys, it's unfortunate. When your wife is talking to another man that she plans on hooking up with when she's gone and they are making plans and chatting it up on my bill. That's sick and immoral. She has to know she is wrong but she refuses to admit it. I'm not sure what to do. Like I said, she is not working and still at home.....she's breaking my heart. I'm trying so hard to be strong but when I see her day in and day out.....I just can't help but break down.
If she is leaving you just stop the phone altogether. Additionally if you call the phone company you can get logs of ever text sent and recieved it may help you in court.
I've already spoken to a good friend who happens to be a divorce lawyer and I've begun writing up a separation agreement where I get the house and all the joint items in the house and I'll give her the van and I'll assume all debts which won't be that bad except for our daughters college loan. I think I'm going to try and have her pay a portion of that. I plan on covering her under my insurance until the divorce is final. Joint custody of Jacob with primary residence at my house. No other support from me for her after the divorce.
Oh, and her new boyfriend got her a phone. She told me it came in today. Of course, she didn't tell me that he got it for her. So, I'll be turning the phone off tomorrow. Hopefully, she'll think differently after she spends some real time with this guy.....maybe not......but I hope she does. I'm torn apart but I don't want to seem weak and I've been constantly after her to re-consider and give our marriage a chance. What should I be doing to make her see me in a different light.
Wats,
There is nothing you can do to make her see you in a different light. She has to want to see it and at this point I don't think she does. Like I stated before I see a lot of myself in your wife. I do wish the best for you though. Please keep us up to date. Your perspective gives me some insight to how my husband may be feeling.
I told my wife that I don't want her new number and she kind of apologized about it, telling me that it was her phone and she was going to pay this guy back. My wife and I met in Fredericksburg, which is about an hour from home, and went shopping for the the kids christmas presents Saturday afternoon. We talked and laughed and we had dinner at a restaraunt and again we talked and laughed and she seemed to enjoy the time we spent together. After dinner I walked her to the van and hugged her and spoke in her ear as I held her 'Thank you, I really enjoyed it.' She was hesitant about the hug at first but I just wrapped my arms around her and said that. All this is really breaking my heart. I wrote her a letter Friday and gave it to her Friday evening. There were some very personal things in the letter and I asked her to read it as she sat on the bed with me. She did and I asked her to keep it and she has. In the letter I told her some of the things that I loved about her and told her that the physical feature that I loved the most was the stretch marks on her belly....because it was part of me and part of her that made those marks and they would never go away. I noticed the letter on the bed near her pillow in the bedroom where she is sleeping now. I also went alone to the counselor session Saturday morning and as I was leaving I told my wife that I thought that it would be good if we saw the counselor separately for a 1/2 hour each and my wife said I could talk to the counselor about that.
I told my wife to pack her bags last night after I thought long and hard about what I should do. I told her that she can't be living here as my wife and having an emotional affair with this guy. I told her he was a piece of trash for sending a phone to our house. Our middle daughter signed for the package with the phone in it. I also told here a real man wouldn't be making advances on her or kissing her. A real man would simply tell her 'call me when the divorce is final'. I told my wife that I've thought about what is happening and what advice I'd give our son if he came to me with the same dilemma. If he came to me and said; 'Dad, we've been married for so long and now she says she doesn't love me and she's having an emotional affair with this guy she doesn't really know.' I'd respond; 'Son, you need to tell her to leave...pack her bags and get out. If she wants to leave and is telling you this, then tell her to leave'. The fact of the matter is you just can't compete with a fantasy and that's all it is right now. I told her I want her out by the weekend and she responds 'I was hoping to get through Christmas'. I told her this isn't what I want...it's what she wants. I told her she can't be leading a double life and continue to think I'll let her take advantage of me. She simply can't live with me as my wife and try to have an affair with another guy. I think I'm going to take it one step further and tell her not to bring that phone in the house. If she wants to talk to this piece of trash, then she can do it somewhere else. I told her I need to move forward and she needs to get out. Harsh, I know but it needs to be done. Hopefully a taste of reality will wake her up.
Re: Wife wants to leave me!! HELP!!
