Hi all, I just found this post on Google since I'm basically going through the same thing. I'm 29 and my wife is 25, married for seven years and we have a wonderful three year old son. I won't go into detail about my troubles except that 4 days ago I received the same bomb-shell that you did Wats. Wife refused counseling and the lot. I did buy an e-book online that, surprisingly, she read with me. Here's a link if you want to check it out - Marriage Counseling Tips to Stop Divorce and Save Marriage
It convinced my wife to attend counseling even though she says it's all just for my closure. I'm glad to hear your wife is willing to go now. From what I've read, buying time is the key. If she refuses to go, try telling her that in order for you to be a better person, regardless of what happens to you and her, that you need her to tell the counselor about you so he/she can better help you. She would probably jump at the chance to tell someone all of your faults and in the meantime the counselor will probably turn her around to look at herself. Just getting her there is the big step.
I haven't been to my first session yet, but at least my wife is going. Hold on to that and never let go.
I can't help to think that, like me, you've probably fallen short on promises in the past and saying that you've changed doesn't hold a lot of weight right now. Try telling her that while changing on your own has been very difficult, that you're convinced that with help it will stick. Admitting your own faults is great, it's probably one of the toughest things one can do, but don't beat yourself up too bad. Remember, it takes two to tango. If she can't see her own faults then she may very well be doomed to the same consequences in another relationship, should it go in that direction.
I wish you the greatest of luck on saving this life-long investment. Hold your head high, as hard as it may be, and resolve to at least help yourself.
I'm sure that with your strength and the help of God, you two can see this through and be stronger in the end!