02121999

Ten years of verbal and emotional abuse. I'm fat, ugly, lazy, don't do enough for him. I do EVERYTHING. Work full time, and run kids to every activity alone. Cook, clean, laundry. I do it all, hoping to make him happy, and maybe just maybe he won't belittle me. And when he is not working, he is camped on the couch, playing on the computer and watching tv. I started seeing a great therapist who helped me get stronger, for myself and my children. I don't want them growing up thinking this type of relationship is okay. Then he decides he needs a break and takes off to Florida for an entire month, with a weeks notice to me. (owns his own business, so he had the time). No problem for me, because I am basically a single parent. It was the best month I've had in 10 years. He comes back, knows and agrees to the divorce, then backs out at the last minute and wants to fix us. And he's been trying. And I am a mess because I feel it is a little too late for the effort. Add to that the guilt I feel over wanting out. And then yesterday he tells me he loves me for the first time in a good year. Can I trust this change? No. But how do I proceed? Our children tolerate him because he is their dad, but they have pretty much been raised by me, and are used to his hanging on the couch and not with them.
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River1977

What answers do you want besides those you already received? No one has a potion or magic words to get this worked out for you. You have to do it yourself.

02121999

Sorry to have irritated you. Not looking for magic answers, just looking for others takes.
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River1977

LOL You didn't irritate me, and it wouldn't matter if you did. My point is that you keep looking for "others takes" because you don't want to make this decision. You want it to be easy, so you keep hoping someone will finally give you the easy answer - the magic answers - that you think you must be overlooking. But no one will come along with the answers that ding in your head. You told me you want to leave him, but are afraid of what he will do. In the very least, you would try the test that I suggested. Your husband is abusive and abusive men don't change. So no, you cannot trust the appearance of change, especially when I pointed that his change is still controlling you.

Since you fear his reaction, you should contact the Domestic Abuse Hotline or dial 211. They can give you the numbers to women's abuse centers in your area (or wherever you want to go), and someone can help you plan an exit strategy. They will take care of you and your kids and help you find a place of your own to move to. They also have access to many different housing programs that will help you pay rent (or pay it for you) and utility bills. You don't have to feel alone and praying his changes are permanent in hopes that you never have to experience his abuse again. His changes are not permanent, and women's centers also have free counseling availabe so you understand the "cycles of abuse" and how the abuse always repeats itself. The only reason he *appears* to have changed is to keep control of you and keep you around so he can abuse you some more. This is the reason you are so confused. He realizes he HAS to play nice right now. He HAS to tell you he loves you. He HAS to keep the marriage together because he cannot abuse you if you are not there. Counseling will help you to understand what you are going through and why it is happening. If you never get the nerve to leave him, you should still call and talk with them so you know what your options are and that there is help waiting if you decide you need it. Schedule the counseling sessions because it will help you tremendously.

River1977

I was just reminded of the book Why Does He Do That? The subtitle is "Inside The Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men." It helps women understand why men batter verbally, physically, emotionally, sexually, psychologically. I found a download but never tried to download it, so I don't know if it's safe or not.

Abra, it will help you also to understand the Cycles of Abuse and what you are going through. The book I mentioned above is about abusive men and why they abuse. This link explains the cycles of abuse that the men put women through. There is a lot of information on the internet, and I hope you will also call women's centers for help if you cannot afford counseling on your own. You need to build your self esteem back up that he has robbed from you and understand why you stay in the abusive relationship. Seek the answers to everything you are not able to answer for yourself. You will see that you are blaming yourself when you think ending the abusive relationship is giving up and failing. You need someone to help you understand you are not responsibile for the failure of your marriage because you cannot control or change your abusive husband. You're not supposed to stay and continue being abused and most of all, you are not to blame yourself for his actions. The success or failure of the marriage does not rest on your shoulders. You have to find the nerve and self esteem to walk away.