Unfulfilled

I'm here because I have strange feelings about my situation.

My wife and I have been talking about divorce for a couple weeks now. There has been no infidelity and we never really fight. Sex is good for the most part, although her drive has gone down and she doesn't really initiate.

The problem is that we just don't have that "magic" anymore... that feeling like you can't wait to see each other, or a desire to spend time together. We were never terribly passionate, but we used to be proud of the fact that we never wore out each others company... we could be around each other constantly, we work together, commute together... you name it. The comfort is still there, the love is still there, but the fire is out... its like we're really good roomates or siblings now.

We've been married 10 years and have 2 kids. I think our relationship changed when we had our first. I didn't see myself ever having children, and for a long time, she didn't either... but I guess that biological clock got to ticking and we talked about it and decided to go ahead and do it. It turned out to be her calling, but I never really got with the program even though I did everything I was supposed to do to be a good father and husband.

More and more we just found ourselves doing different things. She enjoyed every moment with the kids, while I found it stressful. I guess I grew distant. I didn't mind staying late at work, I would go fishing and hunting more often or go work in the garage. I love my kids to death, but its like I could only stand a couple hours at a time before I would burn out and want to get away. She sensed this, we talked and tried to get more involved together but it just wasn't there.

The only things left are marriage counseling or divorce. Its just strange... we just devolved back into friends who help each other out, plus sex. We've both been feeling like the deeper love is gone and we're just in it for the kids. We both have advanced educations and see things in a rational way, and neither of us really wants to do marriage counseling. We went to one guy one time and ended up being pretty dismissive of it... like the guy was just telling us things we already know or wasn't really listening.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I guess the question is, do people really divorce without the usual fireworks? My wife and I could be divorced right now and I don't think a thing about us would change other than not living together and having sex.

We keep talking about it, but nobody pulls the trigger. Its bizzare.

Lon

Whose idea is divorce? Sounds like its hers and you are being the nice guy and giving her what she asks because that is what you've always done.

What does she expect she'll be able to do in life divorced from you rather than married to you? It sounds like you are far from abusive so its not like she needs to escape your control.

The only answer every time is another man to have a sexual/romantic relationship, either in the waiting, at the ongoing moment, or else in the near future. If you love your wife and want to be her husband Why does this not make you angry and want to fight for it? Or are you both checked out?

How do you know there is no infidelity? Has she given you the I love you but I'm not in love with you line yet?

Unfulfilled

Nah its not a nice guy thing. We're both just not feeling what we used to feel. We could honestly keep going like this, and who knows we might. But there's definitely something missing these last few years.

We're friends and not really lovers.

GYATC

I am in almost the same boat! If you were a fly on the wall in our house you would think looks like a perfectly funtioning marriage. But I think we have become friends so much that now there is really nothing to talk about.

Sometimes have that uneasy feeling when a good friend has outstayed his welcome and youre ready for him to leave? I get that all the time.

bluelaser

There is nothing strange or bizarre about your situation.

Most marriages go through the honeymoon phase where everything is exciting and you are getting to know your spouse and doing things together for the first time. This feeling lasts for an average or 2 yrs. After that you just get used to each other. That seems to be what you are experiencing. You are comfortable with each other.

Your statement about wanting to stay away from kids seems a little heartless but guess what? Most dads get that feeling. The male species isn't biologically evolved to be nurturing. I love my kids to death but my personal tolerance to play with them is about 2-3 hrs. After that i would pay money just to get away and do my own thing. Women aren't like that. They have infinite patience to wipe noses, kiss boo boos and calm hysterical children.

People put their fingers on the divorce button when they can't stand to be around each other and just want to get away. In your case that isn't true, that is why you are hesitant to act on your feelings because deep down you know that it won't accomplish anything. (the only victims will be your kids)

Seems like things are just fine the way they are for you. The big question for you would be 'What would divorce accomplish?'

ebp123

I agree with bluelaser. This is where I am with my marriage; juust can't stand to even be in the same room with him. The way he eats, what he eats, the words he uses, how gittery he is, etc., etc., drive me crazy. And that's because I'm not happy and thus see everything as a flaw. If you aren't there, then count yourself lucky and go out on some dates without the kids. Do something new and fun together to relight your spark.

deejov

Sorry you are going through this.

Frirends is not a bad aspect of a marriage... you kinda do need to be friends, get along, not be annoyed by each other all the time.

When there is no longer any sex... it's time to move on.
That makes you more than friends, whether it seems that way or not.

Enginerd

I think your experiences are quite normal. Most marriages go throught it eventually. You have to decide if a new romance is worth the destruction a divorce creates. Eventually the hormones stop pumping with every relationship and you'll be in the same situation. Are you still a physically attracted to your wife?

FYI...When my boys were young I was good for about 3-4 hours before I made a shameful retreat. Now my boys are teens and I make excuses to hang out with them. The years when your kids are young are difficult for a marriage because your wife is focused on them. She may not even realize how much she has changed or how much she ignores your needs. You have also admitted that you have retreated from the marriage so you carry an equal amount of responsibility for how things are going now. Things can get better but both parties have to make an honest effort. My personal opinion is that I would rather be working on a relationship with the women who gave me two beautiful sons and has taken good care of us for the last 20 years. I'm also not impressed with MC. Most just give you generic advice right out of some cheap brochure and some are not that bright. Spend some time on this site and you may reevaluate the severity of your marital problems. You may find out that your just going through a rough patch.

Good Luck