This is the first time posting, really don't know what to expect but i need help. I'm 33 and have been with my wife since i was 18, married for 13 years, have three wonderful girls together and we both very committed parents. Not sure if i should get into all the details so ill give the quick time-line. A couple of weeks after Christmas she came to me and said she wants a divorce. I've gone through all the emotions, sadness, anger, desperation, loneliness, confusion and so on. I have taken ownership of my part in the marriage and can understand many of her reasons and realize how she can feel this way. I wasn't abusive, i haven't cheated, I'm not a drinker etc. She says she doesn't feel loved and she feels like we are roommates who have kids, pay bills and have sex (not often). I have really tried to change, i read books , Ive gone to counseling and I'm always thinking about her feelings and her to make sure she knows how important she is. This has gone on for six months and still there is no effort from her shes acts like she doesn't care. I might need to get into some of the details so people can understand a little more of the situation but i just needed to talk if that makes sense. Thank you for reading, but I'm close to being done myself . I'm just so sad, lost and lonely.
Sounds like you're trying. That is all you can do. If she unwilling to change for the greater good then it is time let her go. I have much if the same problem and me and my wife need to find out who we are what we're going to do. I wish you luck!
I find the hardest thing to do is to think about what direction we are heading. She has pulled so far away from me it like we are strangers alot of the time, there is such a huge wall up and she wont decide what she wants. Ive tried talking with her about everything but it just turns into a cycle and we get nowhere. she just says she dosent know what she wants and it it goes into this awful limbo feeling. I think we both scared of pulling the trigger because of regret.
Last year my wife shocked me with the news of Divorce. Since then I have learned a ton about things like the Walk Away Wife Syndrome and Mid Life Crisis. They are connected and come from years of built up resentment. Read the book Divorce Busting. It helped me learn what I needed to do and most importantly to have patience through this fog she is in. The grass is not greener and this is a great time for you BOTH to improve yourselves and the relationship.
You can't take it all on you and be aware if you take all the blame and put her on a pedestal, you will look less attractive. Learn the 180 for you.
Limboland was the worst. Can you get into MC with her? If so, find one you both agree on as not all counselors are a good fit and they do bring their own POV into the sessions. Find one you can both work with if she will do this.
I wish you well and sorry you are going through this.
We did do mc but she says it makes her think of everything and she just gets mad. I'm at the end, I just losing all hope. She won't take any responsible for anything. I know I have to just take a step back and let her but I look into everything she does and says , I think everything means something. Thank you . Wish I could go back and change some if the problems.....20...20. Posted via Mobile Device
I have tried to look for any kind of trail but I can't find anything. She does have a lot of guy friends and we do work opposite schedules but I have done a lot snooping(never been like that in our relationship). Like I said we have three girls and she works evenings(bartender) , I the parent that is the one that really does all their activities and I don't want to lose that. Posted via Mobile Device
I have tried to look for any kind of trail but I can't find anything. She does have a lot of guy friends and we do work opposite schedules but I have done a lot snooping(never been like that in our relationship). Like I said we have three girls and she works evenings(bartender) , I the parent that is the one that really does all their activities and I don't want to lose that. Posted via Mobile Device
Bartender and guy friends - lots of men on the make in bars. Don't want to send you off on a wild goose chase but dig a little deeper. Don't let her know you suspect anything. Many women will not leave one relationship without having the next one in sight. It may be someone she is talking to, like one of her guy friends.
I think you are right to not take all of the blame. It seldom helps to give more than you are getting from her. You can work on your issues but try to avoid over doing the attentiveness. Become the man she fell in love with but do it for you. In that way you become a better partner and give her space to come to you. If she cannot you will be good to go for someone else.
My suggestion is to back off a bit although it may be scary. Hovering around her waiting for her to decide will probably push her away.Put away your fear for now and be bold. That won't make her go away. If it does, she was already gone. Become more independant. Be nice to her but stop trying so hard until you see something from her, then match her involvement.
Communication with a guy friend would not arrouse your suspicion. Look into her communication with any men friend or not. I think you should get tge books that were suggested and keep trying the reconnection. Maybe PM This Is Me for more advice would advice and read other post about how to flush out cheaters The very best of luck. Posted via Mobile Device
Since I did some snooping she has got her own cell phone plan and put a lock code on her phone. She says its because there are things she doesn't want to see that would hurt me. I've never kept track of her or stopped her doing anything, she's had her freedom in the marriage. The last six months iv changed since she told me she wants out. I'm getting so alone, my social life consists of my three kids, which I love but not to have any adult interacting is very depressing. I'm just waiting for her to make a change, what ever it might be.
Since I did some snooping she has got her own cell phone plan and put a lock code on her phone. She says its because there are things she doesn't want to see that would hurt me. I've never kept track of her or stopped her doing anything, she's had her freedom in the marriage. The last six months iv changed since she told me she wants out. I'm getting so alone, my social life consists of my three kids, which I love but not to have any adult interacting is very depressing. I'm just waiting for her to make a change, what ever it might be.
Dan,
I'm sorry but the whole new cell phone thing (being locked, own account, and especially the line about "there are things she doesn't want to see that would hurt me" are huge red flags that she's involved in an affair.
It's time to implement the 180 hard and fast on her. Also, if you do want to invesigate further, place a voice activated recorder under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Get a keylogger for your PC and go back through the old cell records looking for extensive texting/calls to a particular number or two.
Do not confront her at this time until you have hard evidence but I'm not even sure you need to wait for that now. It looks like not only did she check out of the marriage, she's already moved on.
I wouldn't be surprised if you find out this relationship goes back to the beginning of your problems. I am sorry
Strange you just posted that. Just received a text from her that she's looking at a place wed and she thinks its just time and that there is no one else. God the pain is crushing . Where to go now
Strange you just posted that. Just received a text from her that she's looking at a place wed and she thinks its just time and that there is no one else. God the pain is crushing . Where to go now
Only direction is up. Don't let her waste your time if you don't want to wait.
"I'm going to be totally by myself for a while after being with a man everyday for these past years"
YEA...RIGHT.
Do her words say divorce? YES
Do her actions say divorce? YES
I guess I might be very closed minded and think she wouldn't do that. Truth is she did it 7 years ago and we got back together. I had a huge wall up and never got over it and I'm sure that made a big difference in my situation now. This is so hard the reality is closing in and I feel like I have lost control. This is going to be very tough in the months ahead but I got three girls that need to be happy , its time like she said.
I'm sorry but the whole new cell phone thing (being locked, own account, and especially the line about "there are things she doesn't want to see that would hurt me" are huge red flags that she's involved in an affair.
It's time to implement the 180 hard and fast on her. Also, if you do want to invesigate further, place a voice activated recorder under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Get a keylogger for your PC and go back through the old cell records looking for extensive texting/calls to a particular number or two.
Do not confront her at this time until you have hard evidence but I'm not even sure you need to wait for that now. It looks like not only did she check out of the marriage, she's already moved on.
I wouldn't be surprised if you find out this relationship goes back to the beginning of your problems. I am sorry
Dan Im sorry about the recent developments, just as Toffer said the new phone plan and it being password protected are a waving red flag of an affair, whether it be emotional or physical.
Which brand is the new phone? On some you can extract texts, even deleted one's by plugging it to a computer.
+1 on a voice recorder in her and a keylogger in a PC she uses at home. Do these quickly before she moves out, if you want to save the marriage.
Do you have a friend or a relative that live/work near her work? That can check up on her one night?
I guess I might be very closed minded and think she wouldn't do that. Truth is she did it 7 years ago and we got back together. I had a huge wall up and never got over it and I'm sure that made a big difference in my situation now. This is so hard the reality is closing in and I feel like I have lost control. This is going to be very tough in the months ahead but I got three girls that need to be happy , its time like she said.
six months...is it over 
