| Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Florida
Posts: 5
|  I Feel So Lost
I want to try to make this post as short as possible to spare you all the bore of trudging through it all, but I can't make any promises here. I've kind of turned to the internet because I literally have no one else - I don't want to get my family involved (my sister is my best friend, but bringing this to her attention would only stress her out) and my other close friend is really kind of wishy-washy, if you know what I mean...one of those who tells you what they think you want to hear.
Anyways, my husband and I met back when I was a junior in high school. I thought he was a weirdo, had a boyfriend at the time, it was no big deal. Fast forward to last summer, we got married. I'm currently 20, he will be 21 at the end of July. Our relationship has never been short of drama, but I've never had much of a "normal" relationship example in my life, so it's been hard for me to define the line of what is and isn't acceptable in a marriage, much less a relationship. We are good friends, though - we have been since we met, so it isn't like he is some terrible person. I just think we are both very immature still.
I almost called off the marriage a month or so prior...my husband didn't help with any of the planning and really didn't seem to give a rat's ass about how the stress was effecting me, etc. I also had a major break down the night before the wedding, but for some reason still went through with it...I think it was more the less that I felt I couldn't let everyone down by calling things off.
I just don't feel happy with our overall relationship. I feel like the "happiness" comes in spurts and only when I'm completely blinding myself to the real issues we have. We don't communicate well, mostly due to the fact that every time I attempt confrontation (big deal for me, I am extremely unconfrontational), it ends in a big yelling, screaming, crying disaster. I feel like I'd rather just keep to myself than start a huge fight.
I also feel like my husband doesn't put me first. There was an incident yesterday that really pushed me past my breaking point: We are down in FL, battling through the tropical storm Debby, and my husband decided that it would be a good idea to leave the house and work on his car. As it's storming out. As he sees that there are tornado warnings out. All while he KNOWS I am beyond terrified of tornadoes. I texted him and asked him when/if he was planning on coming home and to tell him that if a tornado hit while he was away I would never forgive him. He then went on to tell me that he was only coming home because he didn't want to hear me "*****" for the next week about how he wasn't there. At that point I honestly would have rather just been by myself through the storms. When he did get home, he thought that joking about seeing a tornado out the back door was a good idea. He is so immature. Other than that, he didn't try to comfort me, he didn't apologize for all of the worry he had caused me by being gone and out in the storm, nothing. But then again, I feel like I have to be part of the problem as well - I feel like I have done something to deserve the lack of respect, emotional neglect, and casual disregard that my husband shows towards me. I can't even tell you the last time he asked me how I was doing, or what I was thinking about, or how I felt about something, or how I was flat out feeling in general. I feel like he still wants to be living the single life, but keeps me around as a fall back. Someone to take care of the "home maker" responsibilities. It's like he wants some fabulous sex life, some perpetual kinky vixen, but just settled for me because it's more practical.
At this point I feel almost disconnected. It breaks my heart to think of leaving him, but I do NOT want to continue living like this. We have been seeing a counselor for the past few weeks, but I feel like my husband is so fake and arrogant when we speak with her.
A month or so ago, I caught my husband Googling his ex, saw that he had messaged her on Facebook after we had a big disagreement, and also saw that he had been watching a lot of porn...all the while he wants nothing to do with me sexually. And if he does, it's got to be on his terms. Can't be on a work night, can't be if he is tired, can't be anything unplanned essentially. Back when we were dating, he left me for the above mentioned ex, just to "piss me off". When I confronted him about contacting her this time, he said he did it, once again, just to "piss me off". Contacting an ex is NEVER okay in my book. It's almost like it's okay for him to do all of these things, but if I ever did he'd crap his pants.
I can honestly say I would be moved back in with my parents at this point, if it were an option. Unfortunately, we are down in FL and my parents are up in South Dakota. We are also in the process of purchasing a home, have all of our belongings in storage, and are staying with friends. I just feel so trapped and like I genuinely don't know what a "good" relationship is supposed to be like. I watch movies like The Vow and A Walk To Remember and The Notebook and bawl my eyes out because that's what I want - to be treated like I'm someone's world! I've always told myself that it's so far fetched and over dramatized, though - that it's not real and may as well be a Disney princess story.
Anyways, if you read all of this, thank you for listening. There are a lot more details, but I just wanted to give you all the gist of things. I just don't know what to do. I have confronted him about how he treats me more than once, things aren't really changing, but I have no where to go if I ever were to leave him. Being by myself down here would not be an option - I would have a complete and utter meltdown.
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