billcovw

I have been married to my wife for 14 years(today is our anniversary). We were married young, at the age of 20. We have 4 children. We have had our ups and downs like any marriage, but always found our way out, and I always felt our bond was stronger when something happened.

But for the past few months, my wife has seemed disconnected. She has not been into me. We both had started new jobs and were focusing alot of attention on them. Plus with 4 active boys, we were in the height of their sports seasons and were very busy running around with them.

On top of all this, we were moving into a new house. Well, once we were moved in, she dropped a bomb on me....blind sided me....she told me that she did not love me anymore and that maybe we needed some time apart. She said that it had been building up over the past few years and he had had enough of me.

I know that I took her for granite at times. There were times that I might not have paid enough attention to her. There were things that bugged her, but I had not idea that things were that bad.

We started talking it out, and I thought things were getting alittle better, but then I found out that she was seeing a guy that worked for her. She swore that it meant nothing and that it never went past kissing and she was going to end it because we had agreed to go to marriage counceling. But she did seem very attached to him and spent a ton of time texting and calling him behind my back.

She has since ended the relationship with the other man and we have talked about out future. We have decided that we would go to counceling and she would try to find the love that she use to have for me. But we have been doing this now foe a few weeks and it is just frustrating me more and more. We have good days, where she shows some feeling towards me, then she will snap at me and we argue and she wants nothing to do with me. We have occasionally held hands but that is it.

I am lonley! Especially now on our anniversary! I miss her and miss being close to her. I am getting so frustrated and I don't know if I can keep trying to get our relationship back to what it use to be. I am running out of patience. What should I do??!!

Tonight, we met up after work and had a nice dinner. I had sent her flowers at her office and she seemed genuinely happy to receive them. I left her a card this morning when she left. I received nothing back from her which was disappointing. But we did have a nice night, until we got home and she snapped at me because she could not find her work bag. It got us arguing and I left.

What should I do? I am so confused!!

Ed

keko

Ed Im sorry for the pain you're in but the above paragraph pretty much sums up you're relationship. Stop gifting her until she love you again, by herself. As a man gifting her constantly makes you seen very beta and unattrative in her eyes. Start acting alpha from now on and don't to needy/clingy with her.

She cheated, also you can be sure it as more the just a kiss considering she threw away 14 years, so don't be surprised if you uncover a months long affair with even multiple guys. You might have to sneak into her phone/emails when she's not around.

TBT

The OM works for her,but she's ended it.How exactly does NC work there?

__________________
"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis

keko

OM = other man, the man your wife had the affair with.
NC = no contact, only way to confirm the affair has been killed.

Uncertain30

Ed,

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. You seem to really want this to work. She has to know what she wants and you have to accept that. If you kiss her or hug her and she feels distant Address it, ask what are you feeling right now? And be willing to accept it. Whatever it is if with in your power give it to her. Start being in tuned to her emotions not just when she is angry. She needs you Ed. You have to gain her trust again.

bluelaser

She may have already decided to leave you and by trying so hard and being nice to her you are making her decision that much difficult. By snapping she is trying to find any excuse she can to get mad at you


Despite being the victim, you have done all you can. Looks like its all up to her. (You have given her all the power)

the guy

That neat how that worked out, lets have a nice dinner, be lovey dovy and get my husband back on track. Then lets get him pissed off so he leaves and I can contact OM without being interuped by my husband.

Stop rewarding you wife for cheating on her, the only thing waywards understand is consequence...until she face them she will continue to contact OM.

So your wifes idea of no contact is when there lips don't meet, but she continues to have a emottional attactment every time she sees him at work?

Your wifes mind set is like me not drinking beer any more and going into a bar.... I bound to have another kiss...I mean beer!

Until there is complete no contact, the dynamics of your marriage is going to be effected.

All affiars is like an iceberg there is alway more to it then what appears.

If you want the truth you will have to do your own investigation and do it quitely.

Once you get the real picture then you can have a effective confrontation.

the guy

OP won't know if its an exit affair or just a fantasy affair until he gets real proof and has a real confrontation.

Once OP sets his boundries and his chick dears to cross them, then she faces the consequences, it will be up to her to make the move to keep her marriage or not.

Right now he needs to see what he is really up against by investigating her and OM.

billcovw

I have done the investigating.....she was doing alot of sneaking around, going to a wedding without me, talking on her phone and texting much more....I found an odd address in the gps, and did some digging with it, then I started looking at phone and text records and put two and two together....I called the number and confirmed who it was.

She admitted to the affair but lied to me telling me it was a salesperson who did not live in the area.

Then after more digging I found out it was one of the employees who works directly below her. She does not have to see him often, but once a week or so. But once I confronted her about me knowing who it was, she seemed worried because she didn't want me to confront him and then her get introuble because he might report it to upper management as harrasment and get her in trouble or her lose her job.

She tells me that it is very awkward at her office and that he has told her that he is looking for another job. From what I gather he is very scared of me.

I dont want to keep digging into the relationship with the OM. I truly believe after talking with her that it meant nothing. There has been no more sneaking around, no more texting or calling. He was much younger than her and she knows that there is not a future with him. That he would never be willing to take on a family with four children. She said that he made her feel special and it was something that I had not made her feel in a long time.

I know that I had become a person that she was not attracted to anymore. I was ignoring her, worried about things that had nothing to do with us. I had taken our relationship for granted. And was not putting the work in that I should have been. I have had a chance to step back and take a good look in the mirror and I was very dissapointed with the person I have become. I have made a concious effort to change for the better. And she has realized that. Now I need her to fall in love with the man I am becoming. The man that she alway wanted me to be.

I will tell you though, as a couple we have had positive advances in our relationship in the past week or so. I am still confident that we can move forward. But it is hard for me not to show emotion towards her. I understand that things are different now, and it is hard for me not to try to show her how I feel by telling her and sending her flowers on our anniversary. Or taking her out to dinner on our anniversary.

We have a vacation to the outer banks scheduled for this saturday for a week. We are going with the kids, my inlaws, and my sister in law and her family. I am hoping that us spending a week together without the pressures of work and the OM, will give us time to see if her feelings are still there. We have been going here for years and we have had some really great memories here.

jh52

Not condoning at all what she has done but you just stated

"We have a vacation to the outer banks scheduled for this saturday for a week. We are going with the kids, my inlaws, and my sister in law and her family. I am hoping that us spending a week together without the pressures of work and the OM, will give us time to see if her feelings are still there. We have been going here for years and we have had some really great memories here."

When do you guys ever do something alone as a couple? I know it is difficult with kids -- but sometimes we lose ourselves as individuals and as a couple once there are kids.

I think you two need some alone time -- to find yourselves again as a couple.