He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

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Old 06-28-2012, 11:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

My husband told me last night that he does not love me anymore. He said that he can't handle how up and down I am after I learned about his affair with another woman. I have been trying so hard to recover from it and I admitted to him that I have failed in getting the right help. We are Christians and I always felt as my spiritual leader that he would have helped me through the process, but he just left me fall deeper and become more angry. Now he says that my love for him is not real and that I never loved him. He moved out and got his own place and said it doesn't matter where I go, he will not be with me. On top of that, he will not give me a divorce. He just wants me to live alone and remain married to him. He even is playing a mind game with me saying that if I choose to divorce him after so long, that he will know that I have been planning it all along. My friends say this is emotional abuse and I need to get out. That saddest part of all is we have a son together. I feel it would be in our son's best interest to be with me considering I was the one who supported us all financially and emotionally our entire marriage and his entire life. My husband feels of course that he is the better parent and keeps putting ideas in our 6 year olds head that he can come live with him whenever he wants. I don't feel this is right and I feel if my husband wants to leave our family then he is leaving all that goes with it. I need help. What do I do?
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Old 06-28-2012, 12:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

He doesn't have to "give" you a divorce. File on him. You don't have to go through with the entire divorce, but that will at least wake him up.

And no one is your spiritual leader but you. There was a whole Reformation about that, you know.
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Old 06-28-2012, 12:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

Agreed. He doesn't have to give you anything. He sounds incredibly manipulative and cruel. He should have been understanding but he wasn't. Who cares what he thinks about you filing? He's trying to get you to bow down and rug sweep and "get over" his affair. You aren't healing enough for him to feel comfortable so he's leaving to try to get you to say "oh you're right, I'm so sorry that you screwing another woman and breaking our marriage vows made me depressed, please forgive me and I'll snap back to normal." what a jerk!
If I were you I would post this in the coping with infidelity forum because his behavior is so typical and the people there can advise you better.
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Old 06-28-2012, 02:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

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My husband told me last night that he does not love me anymore. He said that he can't handle how up and down I am after I learned about his affair with another woman.
I know you're in the middle of this and it's tough to have perspective. But imagine that one of your friends told you this about her relationship.

Wouldn't you tell her that her husband is a manipulative jerk who is making his wife "guilty" because of his bad behavior? Talk to a lawyer and file papers. Change the locks on your house because it's not his home anymore. I'd get some counseling for yourself, but from what you've said about your belief system, it probably won't be very helpful for you to get it through your church.
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Old 06-28-2012, 02:57 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

I agree with Lamaga that you should file for divorce if your husband won't file and he doesn't want to be with you. Doesn't make sense to stay in the marriage if that's how he feels. Sorry that you're in this situation -- wishing you the best.
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Old 06-28-2012, 04:26 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

First I want to say sorry you are going through this, it is a very difficult thing. IMO, It sounds to me like he already knows what he wants, has a plan, and is slowly carrying it out. D is expensive when children are involved. I think he is slowly trying to wear you down, and use his intimate knowledge of your personality against you. He sounds like he is slowly manipulating you and your child to feel comfortable enough to move with him when the time is right = no child support to pay. Hes stringing you along. Dont play his games, demand he either give 100% to fix your marraige, or its time to file. Filing just may wake him up a bit also and reconsider what he is doing. If not, you will have your answer.
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Old 06-28-2012, 04:27 PM   #7 (permalink)
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The thing is we were all supposed to move to Dallas this weekend which is three hours away from where we're at now. When he decided that he did not want to be with me anymore he chose to move out of the apartment that we're in now and get his own. My son and I are supposed to be out of this apartment in two weeks and were supposed to be in our new apartment which I've already paid for and put a deposit on and can't get out of the lease for 12 months unless I lose a lot of money. The problem with all this is my husband is under the impression that I'm going to continue to drive my son back up here to visit him every single week which is going to be three hours away. For the past eight months since I took my husband back I have been driving to my job at a hospital in Dallas every single weekend and staying in an empty hospital room. This prevented me from being home the entire week with my family so naturally I was the one sacrificing to try to bring in income. My husband went through periods of not having a job which caused me to have to support him and my entire family on my own. This was never a problem because I'm a pediatric nurse and I do make good money. The problem was he never tried to show me that he was serious about being back in my life and being back in my son's life. He always told me that he did everything he could to show me that he loved me but I never got that message. For the most part he worked whatever job he could find and when he was at home he stayed in his room playing on his iPad or playing video games. He stopped going to church he stopped reading his Bible and now he's twisting Scripture around to try to bring me down and make me believe things that I know are not true. My friends and family have told me that this is an emotionally abusive relationship which I have to agree with. The only thing that I fear in all of this is if I move like we had planned with my son to Dallas without my husband he's going to turn around and say that I kidnapped my son. I honestly feel that my husband is the one who abandoned me and my son yet wants to stay in my son's life and have all the benefits of being a father. If I'm forced to have to continue to move down there and live on my own, pay for a babysitter to watch my son while I'm at work and continue to try to raise him right without my husbands help other than when he's watching him for his visitation, howl that in the long run hurt me and cost me losing my son for good? He is convinced that he is the better and more stable parent for my son, but I completely disagree with that. Not that it really matters but I am the one that went to school and became a nurse, received my bachelors degree, have kept a stable job for a long period of time making good money, have always supported myself and never relied on my family to pay for me, and I've always been there for my son when he needed me. My husband on the other hand during a previous separation before the affair have lived with his parents for over year while taking care of our son while I was in school. He shared the same room with my son and even share the same bed. Now he only has a one bedroom apartment and says that my son will be able to stay with him in the same situation that he had before and that it won't matter if my son has his own room or not. I have always been able to provide my son with a room of his own to helping promote autnomy for himself. As I said before the only thing I want to do is be able to move down to Dallas like we had planned, with or without my husband, and be able to take care of my son without my husband trying to take him away from me.
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Old 06-28-2012, 04:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

Oy. Mandi, you need to have a consultation with a lawyer. Texas courts favor maternal custody, but it won't hurt to cover all your bases.

Oh, and DTMFA.
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Old 06-28-2012, 04:36 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

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The only thing that I fear in all of this is if I move like we had planned with my son to Dallas without my husband he's going to turn around and say that I kidnapped my son. Posted via Mobile Device
In Texas it is impossible to kidnap your own child unless your parental rights have been severed. Since no one has filed, there are no orders from the court allowing either of you custody of the child. Dont let that stop you, just remember, there is a residency requirement that has to be met in the county where you live in order to file. You may have to file it where you moved from. Please go seek advice from an attorney.
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Old 06-28-2012, 04:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

Take advice from the attorney, and I wouldn't say anything about this either way to your H, but if you do move and even ONCE drive three hours so your H can see his son, I'll be very disappointed in you. There's a reason why highways go both ways. He blew-up your family, he can drive to see his son.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:09 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

Just curious....it probably makes no difference legally, but who signed the lease in Dallas? You, H, or both?
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Old 06-28-2012, 08:09 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I did. Why?
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Old 06-29-2012, 09:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

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I did. Why?
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Like I said, it probably makes no difference legally. It should be a joint marital obligation. But, it would have made for a stronger moral position if he had signed on the lease in Dallas. Might have helped legally, too, since it would have shown his intent to move.
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Old 06-29-2012, 12:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

Sorry to hear that you have to deal with this crap. The way I see it, your husband had an affair and broke your marriage vows. I would have a hard time getting over that as well. The fact that he thinks you should accept what happened is ludicris. You may forgive but you will never forget.

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Originally Posted by Mandi84 View Post
My friends and family have told me that this is an emotionally abusive relationship
What he is doing is manipulative and abusive. I'm guessing that you drove him to have an affair with another woman? It's all your fault? Classic cheater behavior to deny they did anything wrong and then blame someone else (you in this case).

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When he decided that he did not want to be with me anymore he chose to move out of the apartment that we're in now and get his own.
Well, I guess you have your answer concerning your marriage. He moved of his own free will from the marital home. In some states that might be considered abandonment, especially since he signed a lease of his own. In my state, if your spouse moves out and establishes a residence on their own, you can have them arrested for trespassing if they try to come back to the home without a court order.

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As I said before the only thing I want to do is be able to move down to Dallas like we had planned, with or without my husband, and be able to take care of my son without my husband trying to take him away from me...The only thing that I fear in all of this is if I move like we had planned with my son to Dallas without my husband he's going to turn around and say that I kidnapped my son.
Nothing has been filed in court, right? You both have rights with regard to your son. You can go to Dallas right now with your son and it would not be considered kidnapping. Now, he could go through the effort to legally try to force you to return your son, but that would require effort on his part to potentially find a lawyer and file motions with the court.

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Originally Posted by Mandi84 View Post
my husband is under the impression that I'm going to continue to drive my son back up here to visit him every single week which is going to be three hours away.
Right now without a court order, you don't have to do anything. Since you are the one that would be moving, when you finally do get a custody agreement in place, the courts may make you absorb a majority of the transportation cost. But I don't see the court mandating once a week visitation at that distance, it would not be in the best interest of the child.

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Originally Posted by Mandi84 View Post
He is convinced that he is the better and more stable parent for my son, but I completely disagree with that.
He can think whatever he likes.

Right now you need to think about your long term outlook. If your intention is to divorce your husband, think about your goals with regards to your son and your marital assets. What is important to you and what can you do without? What can you use to bargin with in the negotiations? This will help to shape your legal strategy.

Most states are no-fault divorce, you don't have to prove anything to get a divorce. Meet the state requirements, file with the court, and you can be done. You do not need your husbands permission or involvement, if he so desires. However, since you have a child together, you may be dealing with him for a long time, but you don't have to be married.

The tough part is that you work 3 hours from where you currently live. Legally you can go to Dallas with your son but as I mentioned, you could be forced to return him down the road. But you cannot continue the way that you have since it sets status quo that your son lives with his Dad all week and you are okay with the situation. Although you husband moved out of the marital residence, you still allow your son to stay with him. Obviously he can't be that bad. It might look poorly on your case if you just up and leave.

I would highly recommend you think about your goals and seek legal counsel to figure out what are your options. I think you would have a good legal footing to move on the basis that you have a good, stable job and are looking out for the best interests of your child. But you cannot just move and legally take your son away from his father either.
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Old 06-29-2012, 03:06 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't want to be with me but won't file for divorce.

Talk to a lawyer, but if no one has filed there is nowhere to kidnap him from. Just go to Dallas and file there. Then that will be your jurisdiction.
I'm guessing since you have a stable job there no court is going to blame you for going.
As far as visitation, who cares what he expects? Most courts say parents have to share transport costs 50/50 by meeting in the middle or one doing the driving on each side of visitation.
Document everything, keep all leases, start a journal and write down everything he says or does having to do with divorce and the child.
Save all texts and emails.
See a lawyer ASAP.
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