07-01-2012, 01:54 AM
Join Date: Jun 2012
| | Need feedback...ready to leave
I need some advice or feedback. I am considering a separation and possibly a divorce.
I'm 34 years old and I am the wife of a military pilot, for the last 5 years. We had dated long distance for 9 months before I moved out of state to be with him. Mind you when I met him, I was hurt by a previous bf and then met my husband 2 months later. I found out my husband had flown his ex gf (from TX) out 3 weeks prior to meeting me. I remember him telling me also that when he got his first duty station that he thought he would never get to meet anyone. Anyway, I've had a history of men treating me like crap and he seemed to the best person that came along. Mind you, he is 3 years younger than me. Sex wasn't all that great from the beginning but I wanted to settle down with someone so I dealt with it.
Prior to getting married, he brought up a prenup. I was offended and refused and we still married. As the years go by, sex becomes less and lesser. I realized that he throws tantrums like a 5 year old and he always took everything to heart. I am the joking type and do have a sense of humor. In the beginning I thought he did too, but quickly things started to change. After marriage, he also started to become really frugal and stopped taking me out and every convo we had was about saving money. He's obsessed with millionaire authors that speak about being debt free. He blows money on that kind of stuff all the time, including stock trading. He'll spend thousands of $$$ behind my back. Up until Feb. this year, I finally got on his bank account as a user, in turn finally knowing what he gets paid monthly. For 5 years he had full control of the money and lied to me about what he was spending.
Also to back track he has been home about 3 years of our entire 6 1/2 year relationship, due to 2 1/2 month deployments that happen 3 times a yr on avg. In 2010, he was offered a deployment that would last 9 months and he took it thinking it would benefit his career. 3 days later we found out I was pregnant and was still eager to leave me. Throughout my pregnancy, I found out my mother may have had cancer and had to undergo surgery, that my baby had a 1:95 chance of having downs syndrome, and I struggled physically with pregnancy in general. During our phone calls he would always talk about his optional career assignments he wanted that would require him to leave me and our baby. Now that he didn't get promoted he makes it sound like his family held him back. We don't have sex much, maybe 1-2 times every 3-4 months, mostly by his choice. He also has many medical issues (not life threatening) like really bad eczema, allergies, staph, and the uncontrollable outbursts when he feels itchy. The outbursts have been going on for 4 years and he refuses to seek medical help. Verbal communication is bad. He acts like he can't hear me even though he has a hearing aid now and he can never understand what I'm trying to explain and many other people run into this problem with him, which is frustrating. He no longer shows me affection and the last time we kissed was in 2009. After giving birth (he missed), he came home and did not like helping me with our baby, unless I had to nag him. He also made me feel guilty when I couldn't provide enough breast milk for our daughter. 2 months post partum I was in the hospital for 4 days for diverticulitis. My husband wasn't supportive and was trying to leave me at the hospital every chance he got, this wasn't the first time he ditched me in a hospital. He had his parents visiting so he had help with our baby.
Overall we don't have anything in common, we communicate poorly, he's selfish with his career when I had to basically give up mine, he's not supportive or affectionate when I need him to be even when I straight out tell him. 2 years ago I had mentioned we needed counseling, but flat out said that we didn't have problems and would ignore me. He doesn't know anything about me. He doesn't know not one like or dislike. We never can reconnect after deployments and I feel at peace when he leaves. Intimacy is nonexistent and I feel so desensitized around him and dont want him to touch me. He annoys me to no end. I just want to quit following his life and start mine with our daughter, which btw barely knows him and she's almost 2. I want to move back to my home state badly because I'm tired of living with someone that lives like a robot and only cares about himself. There is so much more to this, but am I wrong by feeling like I'm going insane? We tried counseling and I can't do it because I just get irate and it just opens my eyes to more things about him that piss me off. I'm wanting to separate, but has the potential to jump right into divorce. He's been talking to lawyers behind my back even after he says he doesn't want to split. The only time we have calm convo is when we talk about divorce.