NSE, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you and your W are suffering so badly. Like the other posters, I strongly recommend that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you two are dealing with. I am not a psychologist. But, if I had to guess, I would agree with TER that the most likely causes are postpartum depression or a mental instability. If it is the latter, the most likely cause is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NotStrongEnough  Well trouble had found us shortly after her birth. |
By itself, this statement strongly suggests the problem is postpartum depression because you describe most of the strange and abusive behavior starting then. As I discuss below, however, you describe other problems that seem to have been present from the beginning -- which indicates that BPD cannot be ruled out at this point.
Quote:
|
She always had a problem with jealousy, ...She always thinks I'm looking at other women when I'm not. It only gets worse from here.
|
My BPDer exW was the same way. If your W has strong BPD traits, she has an enormous fear of abandonment and an inability to trust others (likely stemming from her being removed from her mother in early childhood). Because that fear is so great, BPDers have a distorted view of their spouses' intentions and motivations.
Indeed, most of the behaviors you describe -- the temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, irrational jealousy, irrational anger, verbal abuse, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD. Significantly, these traits can be exhibited temporarily when caused by postpartum depression and the attendant hormone imbalance. To be indicative of the BPD disorder itself, these traits must be persistent -- usually starting by the mid-teens.
Hence, if your W has strong BPD traits, the only time that they should completely disappear is during the courtship period. They would disappear then because her infatuation over you would hold her great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. Typically, that infatuation period only lasts up to six months before the traits start showing again. It nonetheless is possible for them to be suspended for a year. This is why I am particularly interested in hearing whether you spotted any red flags occurring in your marriage before your daughter was born.
Quote:
|
She also has a fuse about as short as an eyelash. ... It's like I have to walk on eggshells with her.
|
If she has strong BPD traits, she has an enormous amount of anger that she's been carrying since early childhood. You don't have to do anything to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is already there. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the spouses) is called
Stop Walking on Eggshells. Quote:
|
She went to counceling once before when she was a little kid. She's had a very traumatic childhood, being taken away from her birth mother at a young age
|
Most abused children do not develop BPD. Such abuse and abandonment, however, GREATLY raises the risk of doing so. Indeed, a recent study (pub. 2008) found that 70% of the BPD sufferers report having been abused or abandoned in childhood.
Quote:
|
She always brings this incident up, even close to 5 months after the fact.
|
If she has strong BPD traits, she will be bringing this incident up 30 years from now if you two are married that long. My exW was that way. BPDers are convinced that they must be VICTIMS and they continually look for validation of that false self image. Once they obtain "evidence" of an infraction, they add that misdeed of yours to a long list that never goes away.
The list will be pulled out nearly every time you have a disagreement, no matter how minor. This is why it is impossible to have a rational, calm discussion with a BPDer over any sensitive issues (and nearly all issues are sensitive). Instead of discussing the issue at hand, the BPDer will launch into a diatribe about everything she imagines that you ever did wrong. This process is called "kitchen sinking" because -- when you are trying to resolve a single issue -- a BPDer brings up everything, including the kitchen sink.
Quote:
|
She also thinks I'm pressuring her to get a job. I never once told her to get a job.
|
If she has strong BPD traits, she is unable to regulate her emotions. The result is that she frequently experiences such intense feelings that she is convinced they MUST be true. You therefore cannot reason with her. Her "reality" is whatever intense feeling is flooding her mind at the moment.
Quote:
|
She's also got this bad tendancy that when someone says something she doesn't agree with, this includes me, she gets mad and walks away. She also demands things done at a certain speed and done a certain way.
|
BPDers are extremely uncomfortable with ambiguities and uncertainties when dealing with other people. Hence, if your W has strong BPD traits, she usually will do black-white thinking, wherein she will categorize everyone as "all good" (i.e., "with me") or as "all bad" (i.e., "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one extreme to its polar opposite -- in just ten seconds -- based on some minor infraction or idle comment. This all-or-nothing thinking also will be apparent in her frequent use of extreme expressions such as "you always..." and "you never...."
Quote:
|
She wants to have another child right after our daughter, which is why she won't budge on me taking my medicine.
|
As TER wisely suggests, you should get back on your medicine so you don't have to battle ADHD and depression while also having to deal with your sick wife. Importantly, you must remain strong and clear headed so as to protect your daughter. You therefore should not be taking instructions from a sick, unstable W whose behavior is abusive and childish, if not delusional.
Quote:
|
I've tried to get her to agree to counceling, but she is against it.... she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her.
|
If she has postpartum depression, therapy can work wonders. If she has strong BPD traits, however, it is extremely unlikely she will agree to therapy or -- even if she does -- will stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. Like the other PDs, BPD is "egosyntonic," i.e., is such a natural part of the distorted way she's been thinking since childhood that it is invisible to the person suffering from it. Hence, although excellent treatment programs are available, it is rare for a BPDer to take advantage of them.
As I said earlier, I join the other posters in recommending that you see a clinical psychologist
on your own. Indeed, it is better that your W is not along because, as I've explained in other threads, therapists are loath to tell a BPDer the name of her disorder (for her own protection). Hence, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion -- when BPD is a possibility -- is to see your own therapist.
I also suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read about BPD traits to see if there were any red flags occurring earlier in your marriage. Of course, you won't be able to diagnose BPD. Only professionals can determine whether the traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD. There is a world of difference, however, between making a diagnosis and spotting strong BPD traits. There is nothing subtle about traits like verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and irrational jealousy.
If you would like to read more about BPD traits, I suggest you pick up the book I mentioned above. And, for a quick overview of those traits, you may want to take a look at my description of them in Maybe's thread. My posts there start at
My list of hell!. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, NSE.
5Likes
Wife's insecurities eating me alive. 
