Percept

So i just confronted my wife about her being slightly overweight. I feel like i approached the topic very tactfully but i need advice cause its getting serious really quickly. Ill post the what i said and her response. Please help me out with advice cause im at a loss right now.

I'm a 19 year old USA Marine
She's a 20 year old USA Sailor

ME

WIFE i love you more then anything. I don't want anybody else other then you. You mean the world to me and I hope you know and feel that way by now <3 There is a huge emotional connection between us. I know we would go to any length to do anything for eachother. I just looked at the picture you sent me and it looked like you gained weight since the last time you sent me a full picture like that and it's really bugging me. Please understand that im in no way trying to make you feel bad or insult you but its getting to the point to where i felt like i wasn't really physically attracted to you when i saw that picture. i dont think about anybody else but you WIFE but i feel its important that we maintain a high physical fitness standard. thats big with me and contains countless perks, the biggest being overall positive health. i feel like since we're married we should be 100% honest and never hide anything from eachother, whether it be secrets or honest opinions. its just something that started to bug me and become really apparent tonight so i feel like i NEED to let you know because thats fair. We should know how we feel about eachother in every aspect, especially since we're married. Sorry about the essay but i want to make sure you understand my discomfort but also how carefully i tread this because once again i mean in no way to offend or upset you, only to inform because thats what i beleive is right and fair

MY WIFE

I knew this would happen. I happen to be wearing an immensely loose shirt, first of all. Second of all, since being underway I've lost weight because I can barely eat. The food here makes me sick. HUSBAND, nothing about me physically has really changed since we've been together. Period. I'm not going to stress myself out over this all the time, HUSBAND. You're like 95% of the reason I feel like hell about myself so often. Because I always wonder what you will think of me and how you view me. I'm tired of it. I want to be around people that make me feel good about myself. I'm tired of worrying and crying over you, and of making myself sick to my stomach worrying that you're thinking badly about me. Especially that now it's obvious that you are. HUSBAND, I'm not stupid enough to think I'm ugly because I'm chubby. YOU might not look at me the way I wish you would but the looks I get from other men let me know I'm not ugly, even if you don't make me feel that way.

You always wonder why I cover myself up when we're having sex, or why I don't reveal more of myself when I send you pictures and stuff. THIS IS WHY. You don't say things out loud but the looks you give me tell me you're not thinking the things you say to me. I hate it. And I hate feeling like I'm not good enough for you because of it. It's actually gotten to the point where I know you think that kind fo stuff about me... I don't even want to have sex with you anymore.

I'd rather be with someone who realized that they're lucky if being heavy is my biggest flaw. I'm out.

lamaga

Nope, you weren't tactful, and it sounds like you frequently have failed to be tactful in the past. You're in a heap o' trouble.

almostmadeit

It wasn't what I would call tactful, I get your concern but the wording wasn't quite there. What did she mean by Im out? Good luck to you.

Percept

Not sure. This is gonna be rough

almostmadeit

From a womans POV this probably made her feel like your love is conditional. Women need to know that their man will love them no matter what, fat, skinny, and everything in between. While I understand your intentions it did make you sound a bit callous and superficial. That being said I hope you two can work it out. If you get a chance read my post (I just joined today due to an unexpected move from my husband) I would really appreciate any input you may have for me. Good luck and keep your head up.

EleGirl

" since being underway I've lost weight because I can barely eat. The food here makes me sick. HUSBAND, nothing about me physically has really changed since we've been together. "

What does "under way" mean? Is she pregnant?

She seems to be saying that she has not gained any weight.

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Percept

Shes in the navy. Shes spending a month at sea right now. Shes 2 weeks in.

Yea i got that last part.

EleGirl

How tall is she and about how much does she weight? It's hard for us to know if you are out of line to on this topic or just need a way to appoarch her about a real issue. According to her she has not gained any weight.

Photos can make a person look heavier. Models typically have to be 10lbs under weight to compensate for the cameral putting 10lbs on them.

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River1977

I really hope "I'm out" means she is done with you. You don't deserve her, and it appears she finally realizes that. What she stated in her response is not her imagination. She knows how you make her feel, and no one should be made to feel that way. Bravo to her for putting you in your place.

bluelaser

I'm surprised at your conclusion of your wife's weight gain just by looking at 2 consecutive pictures. I can only imagine how you will react once your wife becomes pregnant or gets older or suffers from a major illness. Your wife's email tells the whole story though. You are just a 19 year old kid with a distorted perception of marriage. In all likelihood you may have screwed the pooch on this marriage but you can take it as a life lesson, otherwise you will end up disappointing a lot of women in your life.


(i'm surprised more women haven't come out swinging here, these are the kind of posts that generate a lot of male vitriol)

MainStreetExile

I won't lie. I am generally not attracted to heavy women, however:

I would have loved my wife no matter what she weighed. She gained upwards of 40 pounds over the course of our marriage and I never once noticed.

Ultimately and all emotion aside, you sound like don't want a fat wife. It is your right and prerogative to decide what you want. I actually admire your honesty; regardless of the situation, many troubles in marriage come from NOT addressing issues you have with your spouse, trivial or otherwise.

She, on the other hand, sounds as if she does not want to be made to feel bad about her weight, which I also understand and is a perfectly natural way to feel. She has every right to demand that she be accepted for who she is, and not how much fat she carries.

You are at an impasse. You either compromise, or don't. In the end, no party in any marriage should be forced to accept what they consider unacceptable.

MattMatt

Tact? No. Not in any sense. You blew it.

UpnDown

Dude, I'll reserve my comments because I don't want to the way of Bandit.45.

HiMaint57

I'm female and I would be extremely hurt and angry if I received that message from my husband -- especially if I already felt that he was constantly judging my appearance. It's very clear that your wife has felt judged for a long time, and the weight comment was the last straw.

I hope she's done with you too.

ItMatters

Okay. She's in the military. She gets over a certain weight and she gets put on the 'fat girl' program. So it's doubtful even if she HAS gained a bit of weight, she's ballooned up. So your *****in' about 10-15lbs?

I just hope you never struggle with YOUR weight.