Angry, depressed, unhappy and I want out...I think
Background: Married 12 years. One 6 year old girl. First marriage for both of us. We both we married late in life (we are early to mid 40s now)
Things were good (not never great) for the first 6 years or so. I was, unfortunatley a drug abuser though most of that - which for the most part I successful kept hidden from my wife somehow) When she got pregnant I got a brain and kicked the drug habit. I thought my life would get better after I kicked but it didn't really. A little clearer perhaps but I'm thinking that might not be such a good thing now.
We have been talking about seperating for a few years now. I seem to suffer from crushing depression which I've been on meds on and off for 5 years now - nothing really seemed to work. Except for one thing...which I will detail now.
Please no-one lambast me for this because I do know how horrible this is. I have had several affairs (with women) in the past 5 years. Two were long term (not at the same time) and I was deeply in love with them. When they ended I was heart broken. Which is a special type of hell since you have no one to lean on in your heart break since the affairs are all so secretive and friends/family would be (quite rightly) disgusted with me. I know I have dug my own grave here.
The time between the two major affairs, I tried to put things right with my wife but problems always existed. I'm concerned that they will never be right and I have of course complicated things with these wretched affairs. She did NOT deserve this from me. With all her faults, she has been faithful and I have not. Both of the women I had affairs with I could see myself being with them in a LTR. It was not just for the sex.
After our daughter was born was when the troubles began. Somehow everything came together. My quitting drugs and my daughters birth. Something inside me changed. I am no longer in love with my wife and I'm not even sure that I like her particularly much at times. She changed too - bossy, stressed, not interested in sex, resentful, angry, whiney. This is not a happy home at all.
We have talked about me moving out - which will be difficult, financially and morally (like I have any morals it appears). 6 months ago my depressed and frustration ended with me being in the hospital treated for abuse of anti-depressents and jsut general being "messed up". She was supportive of me during but nothing has really changed.
If I stay I worry that i will cheat again. Apparently (and i didn't really know this before) I seem to have some kind of animal magnitism for women and they seem available and willing...where were they when I was single??? Of course when I was single I was high all the time, and now that I'm straight, I'm an engaging person. Whatever...
She wants me to stay if I become the person I used to be when on drugs - I was happy, carefree, calm, relaxed. Unfortunely I was also unambitious, overweight and lived in a fog most of the time. I must have be a genius in order to maintain a house and job etc in the altered state I was in 24/7.
The ironic thing is, I have a big heart, I am a genuinely nice person. I don't fit the profile of a cheater at all. I jsut didn't see this in me one little bit. I come from a stable middle class religious family. I am a decent person - which is why none of this makes sense.
I don't know what my question is. I am wretchely unhappy at home. Still heart broken over my previous affair ending (I was incredibly happy during it - ironically and in a twisted way, it actually improved my homelife)
I'm worried that I'm throwing away something but I jsut know I'm not happy here but I fear I wont be happy there either...
I'm afraid of guilt, loneliness, poverty, not seeing my daughter (who I dearly love).
Please no lectures about unsafe sex - my wife and I haven't had sex in over 5 years and it was all safe sex with the affairs - they were not skanks at all. Single women even - so they wren't "burning" their husbands.
I also don't have many friends I can talk to. I find it easier to talk to women about this but after a spell, they just want to sleep with me...
God I'm a wreck...
Last edited by black dog; 12-02-2007 at 08:35 PM.