My spouse is chronically miserable. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-11-2012, 03:21 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

RinTinTin, has your husband gone to counseling? He's been on anti-depressants a long time and seeing no positive results. Anti-depressants can help when bad things are happening that are outside of a person's control. Otherwise counseling can be beneficial. He needs to be properly evaluated and go from there.

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post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-18-2012, 10:38 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

My wife is often miserable too. same case.
Im always supportive because it breaks my heart to see her miserable and i care for her. but now its getting too much -sometimes she cries out of the blue and i always comfort her but im getting fed up now of being mr. nice.
she cries for issues that i think she will never get over: getting a nice career, being more proactive and energetic would help but no.

she does nothing, and plays the victim always. I always pity her and decide for helping her, sticking at her side. but for how long ?
and at my own happiness expense?
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post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 09:06 AM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

Inside every martyr beats the heart of a tyrant.

Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? - Werner Herzog
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post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 04:30 PM
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Seems like this a very common issue, as I am going through the same issues with my wife of nearly 12 years (total 14). She has a good reason to have a negative outlook in life but I would have thought a caring, cooking, cleaning, providing husband with two well put together children would give her some reasons to enjoy life. However, she is moody, goes off on the little items in life, cynical, et all. We are going to counselling soon and I hope we can fix things, but this is our third round of this and it's becoming tiresome.
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post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-20-2012, 03:58 AM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

I'm curious...what sort of childhood did your "miserable spouse" have?

My wife seems to be angry often, short tempered, spiteful, etc. But, she is bubbly and very personable in public - kind of a jekyll/hyde thing it always seems to me. I've told her she seems mad at the world...and me as well. I've tried to figure out if this mainly stems from her bad childhood. To this day she hates her dad and hasn't spoken to him in years (and never will if she has a choice). I've dealt with her short temper and angry outbursts for many years, but it has really bugged me on and off. With some relationship problems we are dealing with now I told her she needs to have some anger management counseling. She agrees she needs some counseling but is pursuing for some other underlying issues.
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post #21 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-20-2012, 01:13 PM
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Ditto for my wife. She's a glass half empty person. She's also a perfectionist, doesn't cope well with conflict and she frequently plays the victim. Life is full of imperfect things and conflict with others and if you are going to react to it with disappointment, blame and resentment then you will be miserable most of the time. At first I wondered if I was the cause of her moods, but after observing her for years I realize she is the victim of her own expectations and outlook on life.

There really is nothing you can do for a person with this problem. Whatever you do for them, their focus will be on what is wrong - and something always is. I think the most you can do is limit your exposure and find things to do that you find enjoyable.
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post #22 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-20-2012, 02:54 PM
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Ditto for my wife. She's a glass half empty person. She's also a perfectionist, doesn't cope well with conflict and she frequently plays the victim. Life is full of imperfect things and conflict with others and if you are going to react to it with disappointment, blame and resentment then you will be miserable most of the time. At first I wondered if I was the cause of her moods, but after observing her for years I realize she is the victim of her own expectations and outlook on life.

There really is nothing you can do for a person with this problem. Whatever you do for them, their focus will be on what is wrong - and something always is. I think the most you can do is limit your exposure and find things to do that you find enjoyable.
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post #23 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-21-2012, 11:32 AM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by henryflower View Post
I can relate to you. My wife is negative all the time. No matter what happens she sees the bad in it. I am the opposite. After six years I think I am at my breaking point. I feel like I have been beat down with a hammer. But it is so hard because I love her. Even if she mocks my positivity. I feel like a quitter but I don't know what else to do....
My wife called me goody two shoes for my outlook on life and how I try to go about life... Her favorite greeting reply after someone asks her how she is that day, "breathing, beats the alternative!" Good luck...
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post #24 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-24-2012, 01:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

To answer some of your questions:
My husband has never been to counseling for his behavior because he doesn't think anything is wrong with it, nor does he think there is anything wrong with his porn addiction.

His childhood was decent, no abuse or neglect. His father was self absorbed and a downer often. My husband was bullied quite a bit in elementary school because of his size.

His adult life has been fairly good. He had a crap job with a jerk boss there for a little bit but the past ten years he has been running a local company and has earned great respect in the industry.

His health isnt too great, he has pain in his shoulders and knees, so I know that affects his attitude.

I tried talking to him about his behavior and how it affects all of us and how know one can tell if he's happy because he never shows it. He seemed to get what I was saying but there hasnt been much improvement. I know old habits die hard, but good God! I cant take much more. He is bringing down the joy in my life.

His porn addiction is killing me and his lies & deception regarding the issue is breaking my heart. I jailbroke our ipad and installed a keylogger. He has accessed porn on the internet 4 times in the past 24 hours. The first time was just a few hours after we had sex and the last time he was next to me while I slept.

I dont trust him and I dont respect him; all I can think about is getting a divorce.

The only thing that has kept me from filing is fear: Fear of what it will do to my 4 children, fear of how we will survive on my VERY meager income, fear of being alone, and fear of hurting his heart.
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post #25 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-24-2012, 02:11 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

I think Tolstoy got it precisely wrong. In Anna Karenina, the famous first line is 'Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.'. In fact happy families are all different and all unhappy families replay the same miserable garbage over and over and over. Miserable people are miserable. They're all miserable in the same way to the same effect. Everything else is just commentary.


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post #26 of 33 (permalink) Old 10-15-2012, 09:56 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

I have spent a lot of time looking online for advice about what to do for my husband. He too is chronically miserable. He does not say hurtful things to people but is negative about everything. He hardly ever smiles or laughs. He never wants to go out. But the kicker is.......... he denies it all. He says he is fine and he dont understand why i think he is miserable. He always has an excuse. He is tired, he is thinking about someting, he is watching t.v. Silly things like that. But it is every waking min of every day. We have been together for 8 years and with every day that passes he only seems to get worse. I know that life has not been what it should and bad things do sometimes happen but i have tried to show him there are reasons to look around and see the good. That not all people are bad. He always expects the worst. He thinks everyone is out to take advantage of him. His biggest problem in my opinion is his denial about everything. If i cant get him to admit how miserable he is how can he ever change. Plz someone give me some advice i can use.
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post #27 of 33 (permalink) Old 10-15-2012, 10:43 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

Quote:
I feel like a quitter
But you're LOOKING AT IT all WRONG....

You're only a 'quitter' if you THINK you can make someone else change their behavior/personality. You can't, people can only change themselves.

You need to REDEFINE quitting...

I've QUIT trying to change someone else.
I've QUIT making excuses for my spouse.
I've QUIT expecting things to be different.
I've QUIT allowing my spouse to ruin my family's peace.
I've QUIT wasting 7 days a week wishing for things to be different.
I've QUIT waiting to start enjoying MY life.

If you don't REQUIRE immediate change, NOTHING will change.
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post #28 of 33 (permalink) Old 10-16-2012, 01:25 AM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
But you're LOOKING AT IT all WRONG....

You're only a 'quitter' if you THINK you can make someone else change their behavior/personality. You can't, people can only change themselves.

You need to REDEFINE quitting...

I've QUIT trying to change someone else.
I've QUIT making excuses for my spouse.
I've QUIT expecting things to be different.
I've QUIT allowing my spouse to ruin my family's peace.
I've QUIT wasting 7 days a week wishing for things to be different.
I've QUIT waiting to start enjoying MY life.

If you don't REQUIRE immediate change, NOTHING will change.
i need to tattoo this on my forhead
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post #29 of 33 (permalink) Old 10-22-2012, 09:57 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

Well I know this is certainly no help to the conversation but I do honestly feel a little better seeing how so many other people are in the same boat as me. I have only been married for a few months but I was stupid enough to keep thinking she would change for the better. I made excuse after excuse for her and now I am just tired of it. I have known her for a very long time I just dont understand how someone can change so much.

She used to be the happy one, the social one, the one that everyone loved to be around. Now I turn the corner on my way home and hope her car is not there so I can be alone because I am happier then...

Still married though, think I am going to try some counseling myself, not sure why, I guess it will make me feel better or give me validation if everything points too moving on...

good luck and hope everything works out for the best.
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post #30 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 08:01 PM
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Same problem ? It's so sad because the whole rooms mood changes , I can only make up so many excuses for our kids ? Not abusive as well just always unhappy, comes home with out a smile like he don't want to be home but when I bring it up it's me that's always complains. Im such a happy person and it sucks because I love him and it's been 8years so draining
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