My spouse is chronically miserable. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-08-2012, 08:49 PM Thread Starter
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My spouse is chronically miserable.

My husband is a negative, cynical, energy and happiness zapping person and I am the opposite. For 15 years I have stood beside my husband and tolerated his self loathing, depression, cynicism, and negativity. I do not know how much more of it I can take. He is a miserable person (not abusive or anything like that) and he "vents" his misery and it affects everyone around him. The family joke is "Its not a party unless Kris makes someone cry." His negativity and unhappiness affect our children too and I find myself no longer able to make excuses for him. Nothing and no one can change him because he doesnt want to change and thinks his negative & cynical view points in life are realistic and appropriate. On top of it all, he is addicted to porn and even though he promised to stop or at least try to, he continues to watch it every day. I am just at a loss and considering divorce.

** He has seen a doctor for depression and has been on meds but he is inherently a miserable unhappy person which he concealed during our VERY short courtship.

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-10-2012, 07:26 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

I can relate to you. My wife is negative all the time. No matter what happens she sees the bad in it. I am the opposite. After six years I think I am at my breaking point. I feel like I have been beat down with a hammer. But it is so hard because I love her. Even if she mocks my positivity. I feel like a quitter but I don't know what else to do....
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-10-2012, 07:38 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

Hey guys life is to short to be unhappy if yr others want take steps to get help
Or listen to you move on I would consider that a form of abuse if nothing changes nothing changes
Good luck
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-10-2012, 07:41 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

I wouldn't stay, life is too short to be with someone who doesn't see the value in what they have.
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-10-2012, 07:50 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

I agree with you both but it is hard. I feel like I am supposed to accept people and my wife of course for who she is... and I feel like maybe I am too hard on her... or like I ask her to change...
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-11-2012, 06:55 AM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

when someone walks in the room and you suddenly feel 50lbs heavier you know somethings wrong.
You deserve to be happy.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-11-2012, 07:02 AM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

"Don't make your problems, MY problems".
If a complaint isn't vented on someone... is it still a complaint?

There's a good side to being practical. It's necessary to balance out responsibility. Ying and Yang.

Sometimes giving them a real actual reason to be miserable helps.

If he thinks his life sucks now.... Try living all alone for awhile, see if he really think life is all that bad. 15 years is a long time to battle depression. Hard habit to break, I'm sure. it can take a BIG shake up to get through to him.

You don't have to get divorced immediately, but separating for awhile might give you a chance to see the light. Yeah, you do deserve to be happy, and if he is ruining that for you, consider leaving for awhile.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-11-2012, 11:03 AM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

I recently found a childhood picture of my wife and she's scowling. Things haven't changed that much.

Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? - Werner Herzog
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-11-2012, 11:05 AM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

As you know, you cannot change him, only how you react to him.

You can call him out on his negativity and let him know that it's brining you down, man. Hopefully he'll ease up.

If he doesn't, not much you can do about it.

Sorry.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-11-2012, 11:23 AM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

I'm sorry that you're going through this - you are also describing MY husband and I'm just about ready to jump ship after 2 years... I can't imagine how awful it's been to put up with it much longer...

I don't have any advice except to just try and enjoy your life the best way you can... (((Hugs)))
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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-11-2012, 11:25 AM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

I'm in the same boat with my wife. She believes that the world is out to get her. She feels that her negative behavior towards me is ONLY because she is reacting to me. So basically, no matter what, it's my fault. As soon as I can get some things lined up, I'm leaving her. I just don't feel that it is a workable situation? We have been together for 9 years, but it's time to move on
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-11-2012, 11:37 AM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

OP - You perfectly described my husband, with the exception of the porn addiction. I don't have any advice to offer, as that's why I'm here as well. I fully understand the ramifications of the cynical/negative husband though, and I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this.
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-11-2012, 12:39 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

You are not alone. I am in a similar situation, and the scariest part for me is how his negativity is making this the most difficult situation I have ever been in. Stay strong and do whatever you need to do to get out of this. That's the only advice I have as that is what I'm doing Talking to friends for support, getting my personal stuff moved out, lining up a place to stay, etc. Baby steps I call them. Good luck to you.
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-11-2012, 01:19 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

Sounds like my STBXH... he's a miserable, negative person too. At first I thought he just needed a good woman to make him happy, but he's got such a victim complex going on, and he's been doing it so long, that he is more comfortable being miserable. That's fine. He can be that way by himself.

Move on and find some happy for you and your kids.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-11-2012, 01:40 PM
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Re: My spouse is chronically miserable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by henryflower View Post
I can relate to you. My wife is negative all the time. No matter what happens she sees the bad in it. I am the opposite. After six years I think I am at my breaking point. I feel like I have been beat down with a hammer. But it is so hard because I love her. Even if she mocks my positivity. I feel like a quitter but I don't know what else to do....
That my wife. I ended it in 3 yrs ..life is too short to put up with this nonsense. Its like they leave no energy for YOU/I to have a down day or two and THEIR shoulder to lean on cuz you always have to be there for their misery. Forget that noise.
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