varus

I have fallen out of love cannot find a way foward to a more commited love and am not emotionally attached to another person.
I am widowed, he is separated from his wife, we both have grown up children and have few financial commitments to each other. He was very supportive when my husband died (car accident) and now six years later, his ex wife is currently in intensive care after liver collapse due to alcholism. She is probably going to die.
He has had repeated PA with other women explaining them as his life style, I knew this from the beginning, but in the flush of love had no idea how hurtful this would be. I have asked him to leave, the house belongs to me. We have talked and talked, been in MC for over a year and until recently I have tried to save the relationship.
Then, just when I see clearly that things are not going to work out for me, his ex is hospitalized, and he is overcome with grief and guilt for not helping her with her alcholism and in a terrible mental state.
My question is, should I help him as a friend and confidant in this difficult situation or carry out my original plan to force him to leave? I so understand his emotional upheaval as I have experienced it myself and would feel such a ***** if I were to force the situation now.
What do others think?

Henri

Hi Varus
That is a sensitive situation. I haven't had that situation myself but my advice would be that you must stick to your plan to not continue the relationship with him. If you think you are emotionally 'strong' enough you could suggest he continues to live with you if he understands that it is from compassion during these difficult times and following her death (or recovery) he must move on. Communication is key of course. I think if this conversation was held with him soon you may find he has been considering what to do himself in respect to the relationships and perhaps hearing his side may help you to position yours more effectively too. (I am not 100% clear if you have told him you want him to leave or the relationship to end or not yet?)

Best of luck!

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Let him seek counseling if as an adult he cannot deal emotionally with his life as it plays out with all the choices he has made. It's not as though you moving on with your life is going to be life threatening to him. Look at it this way, he has no problem stating the 'rules' of his life (lifestyle) however you are waffling and obsessing over ending a relationship where you experience hurt (and feel guilty over your feelings because you agreed to let him play around sexually with others), and obsessing over whether you need to provide him with emotional support. There is no good time to end a relationship. Suppose his ex dies, and she will, likely, then you might take another year to end the relationship, because he is grieving, etc.

So his ex dying is a stressor. People die.
So he will have to deal with adjusting to living in a new place and meeting his own emotional needs as many, many, many single adults do every day, sometimes for years, without the benefit of another person to lean on. Relationships end, people begin relationships knowing that they will end, someday, either by death or other means.

It's not good to continue to put someone else's needs first if your own won't be met by them, ever. His lifestyle is unlikely to end. Chances are one of his other women will step up to the plate to fill your shoes. That's probably why he has this lifestyle, so he won't ever need to be alone. I would not worry about this kind of person one bit.

varus

Thank you Henri and Homemaker for your replies. You have both put your fingers exactly on the problem. Compassion or get tough?!! I suppose it comes down to how emotionally detached I can become. I have no doubt, Homemaker, that someone else will step up to fill my place. I wish them the best of luck. But he won't leave out of 'loyalty' to me, and he sees me as needing him. He cannot understand I would want to be alone bc, as you say, he doesn't want to be alone himself. He is in counselling, has been for years.
Henri, he knows that I want to end our relationship and we have had the conversation you speak of. Do you think I should put a time limit on him?

Henri

Hi Varus
More importantly I think the time limit will help you to understand where you are going with your life too, so yes. You can always choose to be flexible as the deadline approaches, but you can start to see a larger picture by being clear to him and yourself in my opinion.

Regarding to your last post above on loyalty, it is interesting how each others views influences how we see each other needs. I think this is why communication is key even in difficult situations.

Ano

For starters, you have a very good heart. Clearly you are putting his emotional needs before yours during this rough time for him and I commend you for that.

This is a very hard decision to make. The timing is horrible. How long has his ex been in ICU?

varus

Hi Ano
She has been in ICU for about ten days. Their children (22 20)are guilting him, they say his behaviour put her there. This is probably true enough, she didn't cope with their speration and always hoped he would come back.

Ano

His children are wrong to guilt him like that. Maybe the break up was difficult for her, but he did not put the bottle to her lips.

As she has only been in ICU for 10 days, I'm sure he is still an emotional wreck and his children are making his feel responsible. He probably shouldn't be alone right now. Can he go stays with one of his kids? Maybe suggest that his kids need him right now more then ever and he should go be with them. That could be the initial step to getting him out in a non-hurtful manner.

If that's not possible I would say to wait maybe another 2 weeks and see how things are with his ex. But also with that risk, if she does pass on, its going to be even harder to ask him to leave. Its a tough situation, especially for someone like you with such a kind heart.

The best advice I can give is to try and get him out in order to go be with his kids because they need him right now.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

lol, that's what he says. He needs an excuse that's not all about him. Because honestly, he is one messed up dude. Who cares what he thinks you need. You know what you need. You need to be alone. Too bad for him it's an inconvenient time to leave and to promote one of his PA's to Mommy-substitute. That's not your problem. Take what you need from life, and never mind about filling some kind of position for him. This guy will always have something going on in his life that will make it difficult for him to leave or you to ask him to leave or leave yourself.

Look at it this way.
Human beings are born to un-attach from some relationships.
Take a baby who learns how to walk. The desire to be carried diminishes. Baby wants his/her freedom.
A baby discovers food and decides not to nurse all the time. Weaning happens.
A kids discovers friends and wants to go hang at the playground or school or camp. Mommy is not needed for company.
A kid wants to learn how to drive, to have some freedom. Mom and Dad do not need to drive him around any more.
Kid leaves home, becomes independent.
Oops! Your guy kind of failed at that last step. He replaced his Mommy with you. Don't fall for it. Honestly, it would be therapeutic for him to just cut the apron strings. And how wonderful he already has a therapist, so you don't have to worry how well he copes (or not.)

I take it you don't have kids.
Kids will do the same thing, build up emotional codependency with a parent, particularly the mother.

It won't hurt him. Human beings are designed to end dependencies at some point. Your guy is just behind the curve, and you are behind the curve in cutting apron strings. It's really an unhealthy relationship, if you are hanging in there in order to fulfil his needs to have you involved with him emotionally. I kind of think that reason is just pure BS.

He is going to have to put effort into getting one of his PA's to 'convert' and that involves both risk and energy and a fair amount of manipulative story telling to make it happen. If it fails, he loses a PA. It takes a lot of effort to get a woman to the point of support that he got you to. He knows that, and he just is a lazy b*stard and doesn't want to have to do that work if he can avoid it.

varus

Homemaker you're great, really appreciate what you are saying cos it's exactly what I'm thinking. Good to have my opinions confirmed!

varus

Hello again
Thank you Ano for the advice to ask him to stay with his daughter. He left yesteday and his since been signalling he does not want emotional support from me, I suspect because he is receiving it from OW. I realise that this is his big problem and I have to get out of thie circle. Nonetheless a part of me is saddened that we didn't work out this relationship, despite all the efforts. Now the difficult part...moving on.