ok..here it goes..my husband has always been a great dad and husband in everyway. We have been married for 30 years. There is a woman he works with that I don't trust...a group from his work went on a buisness trip for a week...while there ..after asking him not to dout on her while there he still sits next to her on the plane there and back ..sits next to her at dinner , lunch etc... she even rode shotgun in the rental car we spoke about it half way through the trip and I told him how it bothered me and he said ok ...but still flew home next to her. I was not a happy camper. after discussing this for several days ..I just gave up because I told him it was disrespectful to me and he said I was making a big deal about it and that it wasn't like he did anything with her . Well a few days later he calls me by her name while we were in bed and he was sleeping ..he reached over caressed my behind and called her name...I asked him why and he said he didn't even know or remember it because he was asleep. I asked him if he had ever thought about her and he said well I work with her..I said no you know what Im talking about and there was complete silence I said your silence has answered my question and then he said yes he did once have a thought of her sexually. and when I blew up he said he hadn't had thoughts of just her. (he was just trying to cover it up because I told him I hated him) I felt so betrayed and unloved by him. this has never happened before. A few days later we were talking and I said I was trying to work on the marriage and he said what marriage ..we don't have a marriage there is no intimacy ..i then asked if he was unhappy and he said yes and i asked how long and he said well the last couple of days and a few min later told me about 6 mos...I told him if that was the case then I would file for divorce and then he said so you are going from this to the d word and I asked what he wanted and he said go to conceling we went ...but I don't feel the same ..see he was my first and only love and then I had children and they were also my world. And I just feel like his half of my heart is now gone..I don't see him the same way and don't feel the same about him. How dare he do this to me...I loved him with all of my heart till I had my kids and now I don't know how I feel or if i still want to be married to him. Am I being a drama queen?
Sorry, you feel that way. I think men often fantasize about other women, as women fantasize about other men. It doesn't necessarily mean he had an affair with her. I hope counseling works for you two.
yes you are being a total drama queen.....you could never be married to someone like me. I work with two georgous women, I often tell my wife how good looking these women are, one is married one is divorced. I ahve zero "sexual" interest in them, but I sure like to look at them.
My wife gets hit on daily by men, she has one customer that stops by everyday to see her and talk to her, he is a younger man, in his 20's My wife is 38, but she is georgous.
I have very good female friends I e-mail and facebook with, one of my things I always say to them...."I am waiting for that hot sexy Bikini picture of you" I really don't expect them to send one, nor will they ever, but I like to make them feel good.
My wife drools, I mean drools over the Mentalist guy, so much so, she will watch the show with her "toy" when I am not home, she loves our DVR.
If either one of us were jealous people we would have been divorced a long time ago. But my wife knows I am not sexually interested in anyone else, I love her. 19 years never cheated, made many comments flirted heavily, but Never cheated, nor has she (far as I know, lol)
I think you let jealousy get the best of you, do you really want to end this relationship over being childish and stubborn?
Go on dates with your husband, go to a romantic dinner, go dancing, go to comedy clubs, start "dating" again Spice it up baby. Jump him...men need love to you know.
Often it is looked that the men have to "do the work" we have to be the romantic ones, while the woman "waits for us" to bring flowers, a card, initiat sex....sometime WE WANT YOU TO DO IT! Do something special for him to show him you love him.
I guess your marriag was never a strong one if your willing to end it over this...I think your self esteem is in the toilet and your jealous and stubborn.
FIX IT!....of course you rather go off with someone else....or just THROW him to the other woman's arms, becuase that is what you are about to do. He might be a real faithful guy...and your jealousy and mouth are going to push him into her arms...
is that what you want? to torment yourself?
think about it. throwing away 30 years?
book a romantic cruise just for you and him...rekindle that flame.
like a last minute cruise...that would be a good start.
If my H rolled over at night and called me by some other girls name, Id be really hurt. And if he continually sat by this other women, id have issues with that, too. But the fact that you blew up and told him you hate him and you want a divorce tells me there's something else going on. You feel insecure and unloved and its a pretty deep seated issue. You're anger was explosive, and that just means you are really hurting and its probably not because of this one incident. Never put your feelings aside and cast yourself off as a "drama queen." You'll just get angrier because you arent validating yourself. Deal with what is, not with what you think you should be. Your feelings are important and it is worth finding out what the root of the anger is. If you cast your feelings aside as 'eccentric' or 'dramatic' you'll never heal. You'll always be angry. Acknowledge that your feelings are real, justified, and important, but keep in mind it might be something deeper then the incidents with the women.
Thanks to everyone for the advice...but the more I think about it I am not being a drama queen!...and Blanca I think you're right the real problem here is how he disrespects me and brushes my feelings about things aside...today for instance..he mocked me infront of two different people...I asked him why he felt the need to do that and that it really bothered me then we see another person and guess what he did it again...It just bothers me that he doesn't think he is disrespecting me in any case. I asked him not to sit or be around her on this trip and he did..years ago we were at a christmas party and asked if he could dance with the band members wife I said sure but the slow dances are mine..went out to get us a drink come back in and he is dancing a slow dance with this coworker who I didn't like because she would come up at parties and bbq and say things like what are you doing here your husband and i were having a great time or just talk to him and act like i wasn't there..yes it upset me because he didn't stand up for his wife with this woman and disrespected my feeling after I said the slow dances were for me. We go to another christmas party and Im sitting there for 45 min while he is at the bar talking to a coworker female of course..I just felt like what did I need to go for.
and then today our son takes his girlfriend to a nice dinner for a romantic night and asked me to help him with rose petals and candles..my husband rolled his eyes and I said don't roll your eyes he is being very romantic and girls like that kind of stuff...maybe you should learn from your son...And guess what? he is all butt hurt and pissed off because I said that to him...what a joke..he could think of this woman in a sexual way and by the way he told me today he has thought of other women like that too...and I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal if they were women on tv but they have been my friends and that really disgustes me!!! Why isn't he thinking of me if he so call loves me? why is he calling me someone elses name. Yeah Im pissed because he thinks it isn't a big deal and Im making a big about it and here he gets pissed because of the remark I made and then tells me to ask my sons girlfriend what she does to get him to do that. Whatever I am so over it and I don't think there is anything there anymore and it gets worse every day.
oh sweety i feel ya.. by the way.. this is not an issue to ask men advice on.. just to give you heads up.. i have many guy friends.. and yea..not a good idea.. and I am sorry but I find it VERY disrespectful for married people to be sexualy flirtacious.. I mean sometimes we do this friendly flirt that we ourselves do nto even realize.. but saying oh yea send me bikini or nude pics.. no no and no! Just my opinion.. I mean everyone is intitled to their opinions and I am not here to fight or argue saying anyone is wrong.. just my view. I have been cheated on in the past a few times and know the signs to look for plus like I said alot of my friends are men.. I have always had some trust issues do to my past with men ( and when I use to tell men about my probs they would say I was being paranoid and dramatic... shut up! You have no idea what I have gone through and if you support what those men did.. no even gonna go there).. but anyway.. my husband plays with himself in his sleep every frikken night.. especially after watching movies with sex scenes..our sex life was fine up til a few weeks ago when i got put on bedrest (prego)..i have never had a man tell me every girl said he was the best they ever had (come on now.. yea right! Get over yourself!).. and said " Don't tell your friends I got a big **** they might try to sleep with me"... what?!?!come on now! So yea.. that and other things make it hard for me to trust him.. oh girl u gotta add me as a friend and send me a message.. i could go on and i am sure you can too lol... I am here for ya! Be strong!
You are NOT being a drama queen. You are entitled to you opinions and feelings. What you need to do is figure out why there is no intimacy between you and your husband.
Can I ask how old he is? Is this his "mid life crisis" stage? Has he ever cheated on you or are they just thoughts of other women?
30 years is a long time to be married to one person, and one begins to wonder if there is better out there(sexual wise).
I agree with mommydrgnfly totally! It is one thing to fantasize, its another to actually flirt.
My opinion is this...instead of getting angry all the time by his actions, find out why he is doing it. Chances are he misses the intimacy of your relationship as much as he does, but doesnt know how to get it back. So, he looks at other women. He talks to other women. He hasnt slept with any of them(we hope). I honeslty don't think this is a reason to start thinking divorce until you can figure out WHY he is behaving like this.
He said he has been unhappy for about 6 months...thats nothing....its still fresh and new and can be nipped in the bud. You need to have a very open and honest discussion with him about this. Try not to be angry about it...the more angry you are, the more put off he will be. You will just appear as a nagging wife to him..thats the last thing you want him to see.
This is normal in a long term relationship, but you can get through this...jsut make him accountable for his actions. Do you really want to see 30 years go down the drain because he is being a "typical" male? I hope not. Communication is key!
Is there a "punishment" that goes with his behavior? I mean do you just say "dont so it or else" and then do nothing? or do you say "dont do it" then follow up with something that will get his attention?
Not a drama queen but I think over reacting a little and not focusing on what the problems are in the marriage. If he hasn't cheated yet he's thought about it and that says there is something wrong.
All men look and fantasize about other women...nothing will ever change that...but that seems to be where your focus is but not what the problem is...
In his own backward way he's telling you he's unhappy, there are problems and being so attentive or douting on this woman, are his way of trying to bring the real issues to the surface.
It sounds like you are unhappy as well and probably have been for awhile...I think that instead of ditching the marriage you both need to sit down and discuss what's wrong under your own roof, not talking about other women or looking at other women, that's just counter productive. Talk about what you see the problems are that are not about other women, and have him discuss what he sees are the problems.
Decide together if you want to work on the marriage or if you want to go your own way...if you want to salvage the marriage or try to, then find a counselor and go...together and individually...fix it, don't inflate it...
Thanks everyone for your advice it is really helpful...We did go to a counselor and it isn't really doing much good...it has been two weeks and to sessions and nothing has changed...I asked him tonight why he isn't trying to make this work and everytime I get a well what are you doing? he can never just be accountable for his own actions. I cooked dinner for him and again was late from work...I didn't nag..he said Im sorry im late ...I didn't nag just said dinner just came out of the oven. We sat and ate and he sat on the recliner and I layed on the couch ( our sofa is a sectional shaped in an L with one recliner by itself an armrest and another recliner next to the long sofa ) He never bothered to kiss me when he arrived and sat at the single recliner ..I said hey babe if that recliner was bigger Id sit next to you. He took the hint and sat next to me . I laid on his chest as we watched tv and the whole time he had his hands behind his head..never hugging or touching me and then 10 min later was asleep. Well it happened again today this time he didn't come and sit next to me just ignored what I said.
During conceling he said he hated that I never went to bed at the same time he did...so I have been doing that everyday and Im there for 5 min and he is asleep no cuddling no nothing.. So tonight I asked why ...why was he not making any effort..and he has the nerve to ask me why I wasn't ...Im so done!!! He has hurt me so bad that I really honestly don't feel the love I have felt for all these years and he is making it harder and harder to feel that love for him. I hope I've made since.
A few days later we were talking and I said I was trying to work on the marriage and he said what marriage ..we don't have a marriage there is no intimacy
This part caught my attention...
What happened to the sex?
Men feel loved when sex is involved. It sounds to me what he is expecting form you is to initiate it...to him, that is what he sees you should be doing to "fix" it.
Well everyone again thanks for writing...so counceling has been fun..to say the least. Lets see first week was I didn't go to bed with him..second week was no intimacy ..third week was I don't listen when he speaks..I could hardly wait for this week..lol. But it is all about him. What happened to him hurting me? What happened to my needs? What happened to him not talking to be about these feelings or asking about going to counceling months ago instead of broadsiding my and telling me he is done? We went on a weekend trip and it was like the old days we had such a great time!! but then we are back home to reality where things went back to how they've been. I spoke to him and told him while on our trip I was prepared for a divorce if that is truely what he wanted..it would hurt and be hard for me but I would survive..if he thought that grass was greener on the other side of the fence then he could go for it but if it wasn't he couldn't expect to come back to me. I was tired of crying and feeling this way and if he wasn't going to even try why are we going to counceling. Im so confused!!
No that is not what Im saying but guess what my suspicions were right all along ..what i was saying is that in counceling all he did was blamed me for the marriage in the stages of failing but what he failed to admit in counceling until I caught him was...HE WAS CHEATING WITH A 35 year old COWORKER...who is 13 years younger so all the mean stuff he said to me was guilt. I am so hurt and crushed...my children are crushed. He now said in counceling that he wanted our marriage to work and he would put 200 percent into trying to make it work. He said he still has strong feelings for me and would like to fall in love with me again. but I don't know if I could do this...this woman pretended to be my friend the whole time she was with my husband. I don't know if I could go on with my marriage and try to make it work the thought of him him...her..sex just makes me sick and disgusted!! how can I ever be intimate with him? I am so confused please give me advice on what to do...I still love him very much...but he cheated and treated me like **** while he was trying to make me feel like it was all me.
Location: Wherever the military takes us, United States
Posts: 35
Re: Am I wrong considering divorce?
ILOVEDHIM-
I do not think youre wrong for being upset at all...it just depends on what youre willing to accept. HE said hes unhappy..youre unhappy...you have been married for 30 years so you are either over it or ready to spice things up. If you cant put the past behind you, you cant move forward
Am I wrong considering divorce?
