Nikole2000

Hi... I'm new to this but have read some interesting posts that have helped me so I'm hoping someone will read this and shed some light on my situation. My husband and I were married in October, we are both 28 years old and dated for 6 years before marriage. We were discussing starting a family at the end of this year. All of a sudden I saw him looking up apartments in nyc and he asked me "i'm going to move to nyc u wanna come?". I told him it was hurtful to me that he would really consider leaving me knowing I have a career and my family just moved here to be closer to me. From there it sparked a conversation in which he dropped a bomb saying he doesn't want the responsiblity of marriage anymore, he wants NO responsibility and wants to just go and do things for himself. He also stated he never has had a relationship before me so he "doesn't know what he is supposed to do."

Let me mention, this is not the first time he has gotten "cold feet", this is probably the 4th. He will say I'm not sure I'm ready for this, or he isn't sure if this is what he wants and then 2 days go by and he calls me crying saying hes dumb and doesn't know why he treats me like that. The last time I told him it was the final time, so I told him to leave the house (that we purchased together 4 years ago), until he has time to think. It's like he just wants to be lazy and not do anything, not worry about anything or anyone. His family is not very friendly or loving with each other so he didn't grow up in a nutruing/loving family like I did.

Whenevr he gets in these bouts he tells me he thinks his head is f***ed up, and that something is wrong with him. He knows I'm perfect, and thast why he keeps coming back to me. But that is what scares me, is he staying with me because he knows I'm a great wife, because that won't solve any problesm.

I love him, but I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Why do I want to continue my life like this, wondering if he will wake up one day and leave me? Or will this be a breaking point for him and he will change? I'm devastated because Ive devoted so much love and time to this man who can just simply throw the towel in so easily. I was so happy and excited to start a family with him... now if this ends I'm almost 29 and have to start a whole new life over. On top of that, I'm terrified to even tell my friends/family about this- if it really does end I will have so much guilt that they gave me so much money for my dream wedding coupled with anger towards my husband for taking those special moments away from me.

Do I try to work this out and hope he will change, or is enough enough. Why are men so difficult

Toffer

Nikole,

We're not all like that!

On a more serious note though I would suggest that your husband get some individual counseling because at 28, he still sounds very much like a child. The two of you may also want to condier marriage counseling too

Whatever you do, I would not have children with this man at this point in time until he's made some serious progress in uncovering what his issues are.

Don't trouble yourself with guilt about what your family and friends will think or say. I am sure what they want is for you to be happy first and foremost. That's what family and friends do!

Nikole2000

Thanks Toffer... I agree about the counseling. I actually go to therapy because I enjoy talking to someone and sometimes have a bit of anxiety. We did pre-marital and he was silent, it's almost as though he doesn't want to take ownership of his issues-just run away from them. I will suggest he get some individual counseling, but I know he will not agree to it. Which is when I have to make a decision.

He has been out of the house for 2 days and my biggest fear is that he (or I) will realize life isn't so bad without the other and that is sad. Thanks again...

Toffer

Nikole,

I know this doesn't really make it any easier on you but you should truly be grateful that you haven't started a family with this man yet. I can be pretty sure that he couldn't handle being a father at this point in his life.

To be honest, judging by the history you've presented here, I doubt that he'll ever be able to shoulder the burdens of a parent. It probably best for the two of you to move on with your lives seperately.

Sorry