07-13-2012, 10:47 PM
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: SE Wisconsin
| | Re: considering divorce after only 7 months of marriage
You cannot beg him to give her up. You must insist, and it must be complete and permanent. There is a lot of information on the "coping with infidelity" forum, so look there--repost, and please use paragraphs; it is very hard to read your post, although I understand you were upset as you wrote it.
Remember that nothing can happen if you let him believe that you will wait for him to "make a choice" between you or her. You must tell him to leave (although in the U.S., you cannot actually force him to leave), you must stop anything you do for him--don't pay his bills, don't wash his clothes or make him food or have sex with him. He is entitled to see his baby, but you can consult a lawyer if you fear he might try to take the baby away or to a different country or something. If you are breastfeeding, then it will be more difficult for him to justify taking the child out of your presence.
Don't see him alone until he has totally forsaken the other woman (see the other forum for how to go about that). He must agree to come back with NO privacy--you will have access to all his passwords, bank accounts, etc., anything he could use to hide making contact with her. He needs to put his phone in your name so you can check who he is calling whenever you feel like it. He must utterly and completely accept that he has no right to your trust--for as long as it takes YOU to regain trust in him. Your timetable, not his.
If you contribute financially, be sure to do what you can to secure your money so he cannot withdraw it into an account you cannot reach. Do not take any other action until you have secured your finances--tipping him off will only make your job harder. But get him out of the house, get control of the finances as much as you can, and get a lawyer. Don't mess around--your one shot at even having a chance to work on the marriage is to let him know YOU will walk out on him faster than he can sneeze if he does not give up his gf.
So, first thing on the next business day wherever you are: go to the bank and see a lawyer. Once you know what you can legally do, pack his bags and set them in the hall. Tell him you are starting divorce proceedings and unless he cuts all contact with his gf NOW, it is a done deal. He cannot come back unless he completely ends his affair, and the divorce will be proceeding. If you are able to MEAN it, tell him this is his ONE chance to turn it around, by agreeing to No contact, signing the letter to her (which will end the affair, and which you will mail). He'll need to give you his phone until you can arrange to have your name put on the account (he can use yours if he absolutely MUST have one for work, but otherwise he will be at home with YOU for the foreseeable future, so he won't actually need his).
Be swift, determined, and straightforward. If he agrees to your terms, he may live with you and start Marriage counseling. But you can change your mind at any time you like--if you don't think he intends to stick to the agreement, if he is playing games and then telling you it is all in your head, whatever. He only gets this one chance-make sure he knows it. That is why filing for divorce, or whatever you need to do to start legal proceedings, is so essential. He needs to know you mean business.
I'd suggest you take this route and see if the marriage is salvageable. You should be able to put the divorce proceedings on hold while you see (although you must have filed first, don't forget). But by meaning what you say and following up with action, you take control of the situation--he doesn't get a chance to try to manipulate you or take his time "making up his mind." You are NOT an "option" to him-he is either in or out and there is no going back.
Edit: Have a friend or family member with you if you have the slightest concern he may get physical with you, and don't be afraid to call the cops if he does. It may help to have someone with you when transacting the business you need to do in securing you and your child's financial well being by filing for the divorce; you may need legal documentation to prevent him from cutting you off financially if you depend on his salary. Accept the help of loved ones if they are available.
Last edited by sisters359; 07-13-2012 at 10:51 PM.