considering divorce after only 7 months of marriage

douce · 07-13-2012, 10:22 PM

hi I am douce this is my first time here and I sure hope to get great advises. I am 26 and my husband is 32 we have a 5 month old daughter that we both love to death.

here is my story. I meet my husband 4 years ago and it was complete happiness. i was single for about 6 months before we meat and I was looking for the real deal. he promised me everything.i was so happy that I found someone from my country and the same town where I grew up.

couple of months in the relationship I somehow figured out his email password and found an email he sent his cousin who lives back home talking about this girl he is dating and sent him a pic of her unfortunately it wasn't me he was talking about. I confronted him about it and he said he was joking with his cousin coz his cousin knows that he will never cheat on me. I talked to his cousin and he confirmed the story. then he got very upset that I had access to his email giving me a long speech about how this kind of behavior can ruin our relationship. so I apologized for that and we moved on.

all my friend love him and always tell me how lucky I am to have a husband like him. he is very outgoing and very good looking with a wonderful personality. a year in the relationship I decided to join the military and he was very supportive sending me letters everyday telling me how much he is proud of me. he is the reason why I made it through bootcamp. he was my rock during that time. when i graduated they sent me to a different town and he left everything behind to move in with me.

it was very hard for him to find a job so he was at home for a while until he started a small business with his brother. when i got pregnant we decided to get married before the baby was born. so we got married in December.

i started being suspicious of his unfaithfulness when he started receiving too many text messages late at night. i asked him about it and he said it was his family back home because of the big time difference they didn't know it was late here. but my gots kept telling me there is more to the story than that. so one day I checked his phone and found out that he had a double life.

one that he lived with the girl from the email when I was at work and the one with me. apparently she didn't live far from us. I didn't tell him anything i just took the girl's phone number and said to myself that one day I will confront her.

so I decided to text her the day my husband brought a gift from her for my daughter telling me that a friend of his gave it to him. unfortunately he forgot to remove the card that said for my daughter from her "big sisters". that girls has 2 girls form her previous relationship. so I figure they were the big sisters. again I did not confront him instead i sent a text to the girl telling her to stay away from my daughter and my husband.

she was very polite and told me she didn't know he was married because they are planning to get married and move back home. I had to send her a picture of our wedding day to convince her he was lying because he never wore his ring around her.

she told me she was suspicious but everytime she asked him he got mad and asked her if she saw a ring band on his finger. that's when she told me they had been dating on and off for the past 4 years. and she apologized for everything. broke up with him she was a very nice girl.

she told me she sent that picture to my husband confronting with and he said that It was Photoshop. telling her that I am his crazy baby mama and I am full of drama. when I showed him the conversation I had been having with her he started threatening her to stop texting me. he told her to come in person so we could clear this mess up. he told me that she was just a girl who wants to be with him so bad she is ready to tell all kind of lies.

I told her to send me pictures of them together coz I was looking for proves before I confronted him again and she did. I decided to wait when I was off work before I brought up the subject up again and that will give me some time to calm myself down and really think about what I want to tell him.

two days ago he forgot to close his hi5 account. I read conversations he was having with girls in the area making appointment with them to meet. and exchanging phone numbers and everything. the shocker was when I read the conversation he was having with our roommate's girlfriend. they were talking about having sex in the house when nobody was home but my 5 months daughter.

this girl used to come the house all the time to see our roommate and I have been so nice to her. i almost passed out. i told our roommate about it and asked him not to tell my husband. I send a message to the girl using my husband's hi5 account telling her I don't ever want to see her in my house.

i thought about confronting my husband but i decided not to waste my energy coz he will never confess to anything. I am sure he knows that I know about it but he didn't mentioned anything acting like everything is fine. sending me text messages when I am at work telling me how much he loves me. I told him I love him more.

I didn't kick him out of the house. I am still not sure what I want to do.
i am not going to lie i still love him. he is a wonderfull father and a good friend if you need advises.

he has always supported me in everything I do. sometime I think that he must be addicted to having sex with other females i have been praying for him but at the same time i can't trust him anymore. I am still not sure if i should fight for my marriage or just give up and move on with my life. I truly believe that people can change if they really want to. I need your advice. thank you

sisters359 · 07-13-2012, 10:47 PM

You cannot beg him to give her up. You must insist, and it must be complete and permanent. There is a lot of information on the "coping with infidelity" forum, so look there--repost, and please use paragraphs; it is very hard to read your post, although I understand you were upset as you wrote it.

Remember that nothing can happen if you let him believe that you will wait for him to "make a choice" between you or her. You must tell him to leave (although in the U.S., you cannot actually force him to leave), you must stop anything you do for him--don't pay his bills, don't wash his clothes or make him food or have sex with him. He is entitled to see his baby, but you can consult a lawyer if you fear he might try to take the baby away or to a different country or something. If you are breastfeeding, then it will be more difficult for him to justify taking the child out of your presence.

Don't see him alone until he has totally forsaken the other woman (see the other forum for how to go about that). He must agree to come back with NO privacy--you will have access to all his passwords, bank accounts, etc., anything he could use to hide making contact with her. He needs to put his phone in your name so you can check who he is calling whenever you feel like it. He must utterly and completely accept that he has no right to your trust--for as long as it takes YOU to regain trust in him. Your timetable, not his.

If you contribute financially, be sure to do what you can to secure your money so he cannot withdraw it into an account you cannot reach. Do not take any other action until you have secured your finances--tipping him off will only make your job harder. But get him out of the house, get control of the finances as much as you can, and get a lawyer. Don't mess around--your one shot at even having a chance to work on the marriage is to let him know YOU will walk out on him faster than he can sneeze if he does not give up his gf.

So, first thing on the next business day wherever you are: go to the bank and see a lawyer. Once you know what you can legally do, pack his bags and set them in the hall. Tell him you are starting divorce proceedings and unless he cuts all contact with his gf NOW, it is a done deal. He cannot come back unless he completely ends his affair, and the divorce will be proceeding. If you are able to MEAN it, tell him this is his ONE chance to turn it around, by agreeing to No contact, signing the letter to her (which will end the affair, and which you will mail). He'll need to give you his phone until you can arrange to have your name put on the account (he can use yours if he absolutely MUST have one for work, but otherwise he will be at home with YOU for the foreseeable future, so he won't actually need his).

Be swift, determined, and straightforward. If he agrees to your terms, he may live with you and start Marriage counseling. But you can change your mind at any time you like--if you don't think he intends to stick to the agreement, if he is playing games and then telling you it is all in your head, whatever. He only gets this one chance-make sure he knows it. That is why filing for divorce, or whatever you need to do to start legal proceedings, is so essential. He needs to know you mean business.

I'd suggest you take this route and see if the marriage is salvageable. You should be able to put the divorce proceedings on hold while you see (although you must have filed first, don't forget). But by meaning what you say and following up with action, you take control of the situation--he doesn't get a chance to try to manipulate you or take his time "making up his mind." You are NOT an "option" to him-he is either in or out and there is no going back.

Edit: Have a friend or family member with you if you have the slightest concern he may get physical with you, and don't be afraid to call the cops if he does. It may help to have someone with you when transacting the business you need to do in securing you and your child's financial well being by filing for the divorce; you may need legal documentation to prevent him from cutting you off financially if you depend on his salary. Accept the help of loved ones if they are available.
Good luck.

douce · 07-14-2012, 03:00 AM

thank you for the reply. the other girl broke up with him when she found out he was lying about everything. she moved to a different town. we don't have any financial link together. everything is on my name. we have separate bank accounts. i don't depend on him. he somehow depends on me because his business is not that big yet. I will do as you said and start filing the divorce paper. thank you again.

tennisstar · 07-14-2012, 04:17 PM

Sounds like he's a serial cheater. I can't see how your marriage is salvageable when he's seeing other women and lying to you. Even if you tried to salvage it, how could you ever trust him again. He's been cheating on you the whole time!
Posted via Mobile Device

OnTheBrink · 07-16-2012, 01:59 PM

It's tough to see how this one would work out positively, but I agree with giving him one chance given that you guys do have a child together.

In addition to marriage counseling with you, he should undergo individual counseling to deal with his personal issues. He needs to show willingness to change and make substantial effort to do so. He should be willing to let you monitor his activities to hold him accountable and to prove that he is keeping his word and being faithful to you. Aside from that, I don't see a point in continuing.

Tweety Bird · 08-08-2012, 01:11 AM

Move on gal.... U deserved someone better...