chutki

hi all...

i am new to this group and got to know abt this site when i was searching online for help.
Me and my husband we got separated 10 months back,though not officially divorced.I am still hanging on him...he left me and he is looking on his own life....i am not able to digest the fact that how can he be so happy as if nothing has happened...not thinking abt the broken marriage...we have got large differences in everything possible....but always i tried to be with him no matter what....but he never has that feeling...he feels i am not correct for him and abiding to all of them the situations also came in such a way that we somehow left each other....from then i tried convincing him to be with me but no vain....i am 27 now and am worried that i am put in such mif life crisis again to start my life again....b4 marriage i was happy....having a good job and life....marriage ruined everything....even i am left out of money,though my parents r supporting me i am feeling ashamed to ask them for my expenses.....i really love my husband same time gets so much anger on him....not able to do anything about it...i felt atleast he ll realize for this debacle of our relation...but for every small thing to bigger issue he just puts the blame on me....i am really worried if really i am the one responsible for this failure....i am feeling very guilty...every min i am occupied with his thoughts and always keep thinking i should have done that at that situation may be i should have tried some other way impressing him blah blah....this thinking never ends....sometimes i become so anxious...stressed out....feeling like the world has come to and end for me...i can think positively and come out of this only for a few seconds time....then again back to this negative thinking.....whenever i ask my husband to be back...he says he likes me but not so much to revive our relation again....its better to separate than take the strain ....i dont really understand how can he say all these things without any feeling for me....dont he really miss me any time.....my mind is filled with all such thoughts....i dont know why i search for his profile on fb everyday....just seeing his profile or knowing his whereabouts gives me some satisfaction.....
i dont know what happpened to me....am i lacking confidence or can't i really stay without him?...whatever hurt he has given me i am ready to go back to him...but his mother wont make me live happily with him....she indulges in everuthing possible and makes my life miserable...i cant tolerate her..she controls my husband in everything want to control me too.....same time i feel that i am losing my husband just coz i am not able to act smart with her......i am getting mad thinking that how cum my husband doesnt love me after 3 yrs of our marriage...i agree with him that nothing is common in our tastes...but is divorce the ultimate solution....or am i thinking too much like old generation ...i am getting depressed easily...whenever i think abt him i end up crying...i dont know how to come out of this....if i go back to him i cant be happy...same time living alone is like hello to me....though i have my parents relatives everyone out there supporting me...i am still feeling lonely....sometimes to beat out the stress i eat all chocolate stuff and ended up adding 5 pounds excess fat to my weight...
please anyone suggest me what to do....

muriel12

Chutiki - Sorry that you are going through this. I am in similar situation but I have given up since during the first few weeks. We need to understand that we can't change someone else's mind. We can only do the best for ourselves. Hanging onto the hope that is one sided is not healthy for you. We need to accept the situation and move on. He needs to be 100% committed even if he wants to work on it. Otherwise, it will be too much for you when it happens again. Relationship takes two either to make it or break it so please don't blame yourself only. Doing nc will help you detach from him.

douce

Sorry to hear about your situation I don't know if you believe in God but I am site that if you pray and ask God to give you the strength to move on then it will happen. You have to understand that your husband is no longer interested in working on your marriage. You have to accept the possibility that he may je happy without you. If you truly love him you have to let him go. If he realizes that he made a mistake je will come back . Don't beat yourself up Slt something you have no control over.

God is the answer.
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chutki

thanks for your replies....

i do believe in God...i just left to him to decide my fate with him....but i am not able to get over him...no matter how he treated me...how much hurt he has given me....i dont know i dont really get angry with him....still i love him...i am not able to digest how he can be like this to me...all my support system are advising me to take a job but i dont know how a new job and life will change my mind...i have to hone my techical skills and should revive my career which has got a gap due to my marriage....but i am not able to concentrate on anything....always i dwell on him...end up crying....i really am hating myself ...i know though i convince my hubby to be with me...things ll not be the same....after long thinking of hrs and hrs i feel i should come out of all this and move on but not able to...please suggest me how to get over him...how to not be depressed....

EleGirl

Chutiki,

I'm sorry that you are going through this pain.

The best way to handle this is to back off from your husband and put your energy into being the best person you can be. Start living for yourself right now. Get your career back on track.

A person who is so needy is not attractive. This alone could be pushing him away.

One suggest is to treat him according to the 180 (see the link in my signature block below.) This will help you heal and get stronger.

When you want to look for him on facebook... STOP. Do not do that. It's too needy and not good for your mental/emotional health. When you start to think of him... stop it. Change your thoughts to things that make you feel good.

You can get through this. And when you do you will be much stronger than you were before all this happened. If things do not work out with him, i have no doubt that you will find a man who can love you for who you are.

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

chutki

the link which u have sent is really very helpful....

its been 10 months now.....since we got separated...not yet officially divorced.....he left to other country without even letting me know coz he thought i ll file a divorce case and that ll stop his career plans....he mails back only if i mail him....whenver we chat again it turns into argument....if i dont talk with him i feel like i am missing him...if i talk with him i feel he doesnt deserve my love ....he has no trust on me....no matter how honest and truthfully i behave....
the last chat we had he said "lets leave this to destiny...for me its over...its upto you to decide...."...all he wants a mutual divorce without paying a single penny to me...to avoid that he is making me feel to leave him....one thing i dont understand is he is not filing any case for divorce....everytime i ask him he says its over for him...and i have to decide....he says he doesnt want to drag me to court for divorce...he just want a divorce on mutual basis....i dont know if he is acting selfishly or just thinking about his own survival ....
i dont know how cum he changed so drastically...or may be he doesnt really love me....
all my friends are advising me to decide something either to be with him no matter how he treats me or leave him for good....coz dragging on time isnt right....i dont know whether to ask him or his parents about the final decision or just leave him without calling or mailing or being in touch with him(as mentioned in the link)....should i look upon my career first and then think about him or his parents decision about my marriage....
please suggest me...i want to know some third person's opinion...do anyone of you think i can take risky decisions at this age of mine....

lukkhi

Hi,

This is surprising.I am in exactly the same situation and trying to move on.Just that mine is mre complicated a story.

I would suggest like I tell myself,to stand on your feet,do not waste time,hone your technical skills,on weekends go and teach the heedy chidlren in some NGO,groom yoirself .
Think about the good times you had with him, do not worry about the sad thoughts.
Do not give any importance,its not your fault that you keep on feeling sad.
visit the site buddhanet.in and read all the beautiful articles by the monks on buddhist teaching.

Let go your desire,forgive yourself, forgive him and live on daily basis.Take care of yoru parents life is very short.

hope4family

Keep your head up. Focus on other things, try and keep yourself productive. If you work or have a job, keep at it. If it's hourly, ask for more work. Otherwise volunteering at your local religious place or performing acts of community service is a good way to pass the time.

Wouldn't hurt at this time to also do things for you.

RECHTSANWALT

Chutki
A more detailed background about your situation would have helped.
But this I gather from your username: you are probably an Indian. Are you in India or in the USA?

In case yours has been an 'arranged' marriage were there any warning signs after you got married.

Regardless, I would strongly urge you to find employment to keep yourself occupied. If you can get involved in community activities it will greatly improve your confidence levels.

As to your specific marital situation: you need to be clear about your goals. Your happiness cannot be contingent on another's largesse. Since your H is resentful of you, you need to plan a life without keeping him in the picture. Wanting to go back to the old situation, knowing well that it was not ideal to begin with, is only going to lead to frustration.

I am not a regular contributor myself, but a number of people have opened themselves by posting here and have received considerable emotional support.

Good luck!

moxy

If he is clearly not interested, then don't bother trying to convince him to work things out. He sounds like a jerk. Divorce him and find better things to occupy your time -- hobbies, employment, friends, and maybe in time a new relationship. 27 is still young. For now, try to spend some time and energy on you and just cut him out of your life. He took off ten months ago and is leaving the divorce in your hands? That's not cool. He doesn't sound like someone worth fighting for no matter how much you had hoped this love would be good. He's a loser. Let him go. Find your own happiness. File for divorce and work on you!

__________________
"He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

"“We first crush people to the earth, & then claim the right of trampling on them forever, because they are prostrate." -Lydia Maria Child.